Love is a choice. A decision.
It can illuminate
About exactly who we are.
The choice, the decision:
Do I do the hard work
Being the best?
Or stay the same?
Love isn’t worth it,
They aren’t worth it.
The title of this has been sitting in my drafts since 12-19-20. I honestly forgot that it was there until I went to my drafts to finish two other posts.
I have slept a lot since then. I have no earthly idea the context of the thought.
It applies to sooooooooo many things in my life.
The one thing that it applies to the most is slightly apropos. Wisdom. Apropos because that’s basically all Proverbs is and “we “are going through it “together”.
When I was younger, some person in some church something told us to ask for wisdom. I’m a pew baby a.k.a. I’ve been in church since I was conceived. Lol.
I have always, as far as I can remember, loved all things church and God. I took in and soaked up so much of what was said. Both to my detriment and benefit.
So, I asked God for wisdom. What I didn’t know and was not told was kinda vital. Hopefully, the person didn’t hide the ball on purpose. Hopefully, my telling you what I wasn’t doesn’t dissuade you from asking for it anyway.
Experience. That’s what was was left out. In order to obtain wisdom, I had to experience some stuff. Boy. At some point since, I think I said that I wouldn’t have asked had I known. The experiences have been difficult and painful. I wouldn’t change a thing though.
While it was hard to get the wisdom, it grew my relationship with Jesus. He was always there. Just like the footprints poem. Nothing in this world is better or matters more than a relationship with Jesus.
I got what I asked for. But it cost, costs me something. I know where I’m going though. The price was worth it. The price is worth it.
Paul said it best: for I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us (Romans 8:18 KJV).
I was wearing blue sapphires and diamonds one day. Those are precious stones. Proverbs 31 talks about a woman whose price is far above precious stones.
There are people who think a woman should buy her own things. Then when she’s ready for a man she can say what she is capable of doing for herself and he should be able to do the same and/or better.
In part, that’s why I bought mine. I also wanted some nice stuff. The thing is I have come to discover is that if I want something and I can get it for myself I shoule. You should only demand of others what you are willing to give.
Now I get that because of my future job and my dreams and goals my earning potential may be exponentially higher than a man’s. I’m not really talking about stuff or the cost of the stuff. I mean you have to be willing to treat yourself well, take care of yourself, love yourself, value yourself, be kind to yourself.
If you are broken you will either attract broken people or people who prey on broken people. And if you aren’t strong enough or careful enough you will allow others to change you. I’ve been guilty of all 3. It’s easy when you just want peace. It’s easy to repeat past behavior.
And then one day you will look up and not recognize yourself. You’ll look up and not like what you see. It’s true that sometimes you go through the same thing and learn different things. But it is also it is imperative that one guards their heart. That’s the essence of you.
Sometimes you can forget how important you are. Sometimes you forget how valuable and precious you are. I saw a fb post that basically said when you realize how much you are worth you will stop giving people a discount. It’s difficult to change for fickle people. Once you start giving pieces of you away, people will take pieces until you are left empty and broken with much of nothing.
And the road back to you or to a better you is hard and painful. I’ve looked around and assessed my situation. I’m chucking the deuces. If people aren’t adding value, no matter who they are, I don’t really need them around. I don’t need people questioning my decisions. I don’t need people criticizing me. I don’t need people who will make me question or doubt my decisions. I don’t need people who I will have to stop and explain the minute details of everything.
That is too difficult, painful, time consuming and stressful. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I choose me. I choose to live this precious life of mine.
Spent so much time looking for a savior
Searching for a hero to rescue me
Longing for unconditional love
To be seen, valued, treasured
Wanting to matter, belong
Trying to be a round peg
In an undersized square hole
Thinking if I changed me
They would be happy
Only it was too hard
To change what mattered most
Looking back now
I could have pushed
And tried to changed the easier part
But the easier part
Was a coping mechanism
For the parts I buried and hid
Who I am refused to die
It wouldn’t be buried or denied
My savior saved me again
Became my hero and rescued me