Tag Archives: text

Honestly…..

I feel like, on and off, for at least 20 of my 35 years seven months and 11 days of life, I have dealt with depression. It’s hard to live life with positivity when you feel like your mother doesn’t like you, your father chooses his wife over you, etc. with family and friends.

That’s a big reason why I rock so tough with Jesus. I was introduced to him at an early age. When I had no one else in the middle of the night, I had him.

Life is just lonely when you don’t want to do the heavy lifiting in relationships. It’s either do all the work and be slightly annoyed but have time after chasing people down. Or just mind your business and do you solo dolo.

I have cycles. I accept that it is out of sight out of mind. Then I miss my people and reach out to them. We engage. Then they say I’m gonna call you. I’m gonna text you. We make plans. Blah, blah, blah. And then it’s crickets.

I reached out to several of my people this week. Some I hadn’t talked to since last summer. I called a couple out on the absence. Everyone had excuses. Most said we would talk later. I haven’t heard a word since the other day.

I lost it. Like lost it lost it. I dang near cried that night. I just told God I didn’t want to live. Like my life is hard. It kinfa sucks. It doesn’t look like anything I pictured.

And mind you, two of these people are my older cousins, one I’ve known since ’99, one since ’01, one since ’01 or ’02, and one since ’05 or ’06. DECADES.

I’ve been hurt by my cousins. Typical stuff. Fell out with ’01 and didn’t speak. Lost touch, lowkey got into it, and had our mothers’ interference with ’99. But, I let go and forgave it all. Because I LOVE love them.

The only one I’m geographically close to is ’99. So phone and text is really all we got. These ninjas can’t respond to a call or text. Or call back or text. Or don’t do the follow up. Just straight ignore me. It’s rare that they initiate contact. Truly out of sight and out of mind.

It hurts to be an afterthought or insignificant to people who claim to care and love you. I just didn’t want to deal with the difficulty of the loneliness.

I told Jesus I wanted to be done. Then I apologized. Natch. Of course. Obvi. Like. He chose me and loves me and how dare I want to waste and squander his investment?

But I was still mad pissed off when I woke up Thursday morning. I def cried. I called my aunt and had the vent session of all sessions. Then I turned on some Gospel music and went to work.

At some point this week I said I need new friends. I met three dope humans this week. I had instant connections with two Thursday. At the AT&T store. Third started regular Tuesday but took off QUICKLY Thursday. LIke texting most of the day and two separate convos that totaled four hours.

I saved this as a draft then went to do some stuff to start my day. I gotta shout out the great ppl in my life!

My aunt I vented to is one of my BEST friends and favorite humans. I love her so. I can’t wait til we have time in a few weeks to meet up. I realized the other day that I haven’t seen her since January of 2021. That’s toooooooo long.

My guy. I met him in ’99 in middle school. We don’t talk all the time but he is one if the most consistent ppl. We need to talk more. I made it to college during most of my sophomore year because of him. He’s never said it, but, he probably regrets helping me get my fist job at his job. I was a mess at first. Lol.

My adopted big sister. I get to be a baby sis and I take advantage. I KNOW I tap dance on her nerves. We been at this since ’08. And made it through a quiet time when I was fed up w folks. We didn’t talk for at least a year. I’m sure it was longer. But we stuck FA life.

And chiiiii. My younger sister. You know how they say siblings are your first best friend? Maybe up until when we were like two and four. The dynamic in our household played a part. We were NOT friends growing up. I bear responsibility for some of it. We have fought. Verbally and physically. The last physical fight was, I’m ashamed to admit, January ’21. In front of her, at the time, seven year old. At the big ages of 34 and 32. Clothes were destroyed. Jewelry was destroyed. I’m amazed by where we are. Cuz we didn’t even talk for months after that. But God is gracious. Whew. Grace is what our middle name Ann means. God gave us some and I feel like we have given each other far more. I truly, after some ups and downs the first time I thought I was there, consider her not just my sister but my friend.

If anybody ever questions the existence of God and why I would choose to have a relationship with Him, it’s the little stuff like this. I’d never kill myself because I feel like suicide is murder and I don’t know that I could repent before I completed it because I’d be dead. I just feel defeated and hopeless. But, as I’ve done over the course of my depression, I take it to Him and it gets better.

If you feel like me, I dare you to find a Bible. Holla atcha girl (karlissa.ann@yahoo.com) if you need to talk. We all we got.

Okay so I DEF forgot about someone. She’s like an aunt and big sister all rolled into one. She listens to my foolishness, questions me, laughs at me, corrects me, and most recently called me silly because of what I said via text. UNTIL I explained it on the phone. Lol. We think so much alike that at times it throws me when sis be on a totally different page. I admire her soooooo much and am so grateful to have her for an example. Even if she stays super busy being the awesome human she is to the ppl in her life. I can count on her to make time despite the many balls she juggles.

Well…About That Winter Solstice Post

I told someone about that last post. They went in on me. I didn’t say much back. I had thoughts but didn’t share them.

First, I said we as Christians in the post. I probably should have said some of us. The we I was talking about is the we I know personally.

I was told that Christmas is the only time some people all gather collectively. I was told that’s when people forgive and heal and mend.

I was told that coming together honors God because he’s about family. I was told that it is a time of love-or something like that.

I was told that there are people who focus solely on Jesus or their higher power around the world.

I think I was told that it shouldn’t be all Jesus and praying and calling his name all day.

I said Happy Winter Solstice. I was told that the solstice is steeped in witchcraft. I said that makes the addition of Christmas at that time of year WORSE!!!!!

I was told more but don’t remember.

Again, I was a slight punk and didn’t respond much. I was told that I had a point after all of the other stuff.

My reply now? Why are we waiting until the whole year has passed to make time for our family? If God is all about family, should we not make more time?

Why are we waiting until the whole year has passed to mend and heal and forgive? Should we not be loving on each other more?

The big one. Why can we not take a day, a fast of sorts, not at Christmas cuz ya know, to sit in the miracle that is the birth of Jesus?

He did, and does, SOOOOOOOOO much for us. The sacrifice of a day meditating, living solemnly, with what he did ever before our minds seems like a small thing in the grand scheme of things.

But hey. That’s just me. Different strokes for different folks.

I am a rebel of sorts. Just because it’s been done a certain way forever doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever.

There are things I examine and question. If it doesn’t make sense, I’m not down for it.

I’m not here for perpetuating stuff cuz it “worked” for someone else. I could care less if I’m the odd one out.

I’ve tried fitting in. It still didn’t go well. So. I have decided to just do me while others do them.

Happy Winter Solstice…J/K

So, I already discussed why Christmas is canceled. But I have more thoughts about it today.

When we, as Christians, celebrate Christmas, some of us make sure we read the story of his birth before opening gifts. My family does. We’ll be on zoom in like 40 mins. I’m cool with reading the scripture cuz scripture.

Some of us go to church first thing in the morning. There are a myriad of things done to honor or celebrate Jesus first.

And then come other people’s gifts under a decorated tree and in a hung stocking on the day we commemorate his birthday.

Then we eat, sleep, watch basketball, play with toys, do things with gifts, call and text all around country and world, and whatever else.

It’s as though the celebration of his birth is one thing on a list of things to do. When, in actuality, whenever one chooses to celebrate him should be an event.

It should be a solemn occasion, set aside only for him. Where he is first. Where he is the only focus and focal point.

We should take the time and space to be in reverential awe that God created a miracle just for us to save us.

That’s the problem today though. God is just something to do. He’s, at times, an afterthought. Insead of first. Instead of placed on the throne as the King and Lord of our lives.

Could it be that the reason we don’t believe, we don’t see him move, is because we don’t keep him high and lifted? Because we don’t keep him on the throne? We don’t look up at the glory and majesty that is Him? Because we have made him small and common?

I don’t wanna do the easy thing and what’s always been done. I don’t want to minimize and trivialize the birth of my Savior because some man named Constantine attempted to co-opt something that was never for or about Jesus.

But hey, if you choose to celebrate, enjoy! Just remember who this is supposed to be about.