I am grateful to see the end of the year mostly unscathed.
I lost a family member to the rona.
Four family members definitely recovered. One likely recovered.
A childhood friend’s mom was lost to the rona.
An asthmatic family member lost their life due to a chemical reaction.
I lost an uncle due to a variety of health issues.
An uncle was rushed to the hospital, and though serious, it wasn’t as bad as was thought.
Two coworkers and a boss tested positive for the rona and have recovered.
I am no longer on speaking terms with my father. 21 years of foolishness resulted in my departure-at his prodding-for my peace of mind.
Endured the craziest three point five weeks with a male I have ever experienced in the middle of a pandemic.
Left some friends-acquaintances-alone.
Left some family members alone.
Reconnected with some friends I let go.
Made a new friend.
Made some new connections.
Followed purpose with expectation of fulfilled vision-from years ago. Not a catchy 2020 gimmick.
Realized some things that I needed to work on and change.
Saw some growth.
2020 was wild.
But the BEST thing? Focusing on the best friend I’ll ever have, my big brother, my Lord, my Savior.
I’ve been coasting and on autopilot. When Jesus and I are cool, winds and waves don’t play.
I ended this year forced to look to him.
It’s been wild.
But it’s been worth it.
Here’s to 2021.
A multiple of seven.
Biblical meaning of completion.
I expect Jesus to complete some things.
I expect craziness. It wouldn’t be my life without some tests and trials.
I know who’s got me.
I don’t expect easy.
But I expect peace. I expect joy. I expect good things-no matter how it looks or feels.
Cuz I rock with the one who can speak to whatever I face.
I am never alone or forsaken.
That alone makes it well with my soul.
I apologize now if anything is ever redundant. Just go with it.
I’ve been reckless a time or two about a thing or two. But I gotta say the biggest thing I was reckless with was my life.
How you ask? Unprotected sex with a virtual stranger whose last name I don’t even remember.
If you’ve read any of my blogs this week that may be puzzling. Shoot. It’s my life and it puzzles me.
I was raised in one of the strictest Christian denominations there is. But I embraced it. I vowed to never have sex until marriage. I remember sitting at a table and being told to never say never. Again, just like Peter (who I think I’m most like in the Bible now that I think about it), I confirmed that wouldn’t be me.
I guess it’s something that I lasted longer than many of my peers. But it makes it more insane and foolish.
I’m of decent intelligence. I had sex ed. I saw the news.
When you don’t love yourself, are caught up in what the world around you has, and want what the world deems as important, you’ll do silly stuff.
I managed for a time not to give away the only thing that I had kept for myself. Cuz I gave everything else one could give to be loved and accepted-money, time, love, my identity, my beliefs, etc.
But one day I wasn’t strong enough. And like the serpent beguiled Eve, this slick talking dude was given my most prized possession and whispered words I needed to hear. But they didn’t matter in that moment. I regretted it immediately.
But that’s the funny thing about things we find wrong. I enjoyed it. I mean it is in part for human pleasure. But I didn’t want to keep doing wrong.
Yet I did. And never asked about or sought protection. I took pregnancy tests and kept going. I was even chased through a neighborhood by some chick and waited on his call one night. 🤦🏾
Eventually I went to a particular church service-I hadn’t stopped going. He actually flaked on me. The message hit me like a ton of bricks. I told him we were done with it.
I, of course, attempted to go back on that decision. For some reason he wouldn’t let me. I choose to believe it was the grace of God.
No surprise that our relationship was over not too long after that. It would be years before I got the courage to be tested. Mercifully, I have no diseases.
And to me, despite about 6 months of crazy, I’ve got a little over a decade of celibacy under my belt.
Honestly, I haven’t struggled too much cuz I’ve focused on trying to love me. I haven’t put myself in too many places or positions to have an issue. And when the desire to be loved externally, or an infatuation, has popped up I worked on leaving it alone.
I have no deep or good way to end this. Well maybe. You are the only you you’ve got. And you’ve only got one life to live. Love you. Cherish you. Heal you. Respect you. Demand the best for you. You’ll be better for it in the end. Don’t be reckless.✌🏾
I posed some questions on twitter earlier today. What do you do when the answer is no? What do you do when the answer is wait? What do you do when u see the vision but are clueless about the provision? What do you do when there is silence? What do you do when the storm is too loud? What do you do?
Now, I know I fast. And I know I pray. And I know I stand. Because that is what the Bible says. But we live in a microwave society. We have flesh that is constantly warring with the spirit. We have a past that threatens to dictate our future. I am walking into seemingly familiar territory. I just walked out of familiar territory. I feel like I failed. I feel like I didn’t apply the lesson. I don’t want to be insane. I don’t want to do the same thing and expect a different result. I don’t want to mess up what’s coming. I simply don’t trust myself.
And the moral of the story, simplistically, is to trust God. To give it over to God. Because he can handle it. I’m going to do that. But I’m also going to work my faith. I’m going to shut up. I’m going to shut people up. This is too important, too crucial, too critical. I’d like to not wander in this wilderness anymore. I think I have learned something and taken something valuable away when I’ve been here before. But I’m trying to learn more. I’m trying to take more away. I am trying to slay this giant. Stay tuned…