Tag Archives: love

Love is Part Deux

Love is patient
Love is kind
Love laid down its life
Love denied itself
Love put on what it hates
Love forgave me
Love chased me
Love waited for me
Love told me no for a better yes
Love won’t let me go
Love won’t leave me alone
Love won’t give up on me
Love sees me
Love hears me
Love chooses me
Love is relentless
Love is perfect

Love is

Love is a choice. A decision.
It can illuminate
And unearth
Uncomfortable truths
About exactly who we are.
The choice, the decision:
Do I do the hard work
Of changing
Being the best?
Or stay the same?
Choosing, deciding
Love isn’t worth it,
They aren’t worth it.

Love Letter

Happy Valentine’s Day To Me
Thought I’d dust my ‘pen’ off
And write myself a letter
Using the original love letter
He loved me so much
He gave me his best
Fearfully and wonderfully made
Beautiful in His image
He loved me before time began
Knew me before I was formed
Saw me, chose me
Even when I’m by myself
I’m never alone
He never leaves
Rejoices over me with gladness
Quiets me with His love
Exalts over me with singing
Saw on Insta
God isn’t my Valentine
I guess
Even though
He is the I Am
Whatever I need
I’ll give her that though
Cuz He’s so much more
Father
Savior
Friend
Comforter
Keeper
Alpha
Omega
Beginning
End
Shelter
Guide
I could stay here all day
So much to say
But words will never suffice
With all that He is
I am enough
Ion need another human
At least not simply to flex
On a commercial holiday
I’m cool
Patiently waiting
If I’m not ready
He’s not ready
I don’t want it
But let me tell you this
He has big shoes to fill
I gotta follow him
As he follows Christ
Did you read this?
What about the Good Book?
Tuh.
God speed to him!
Okay
Um
Me too

Sin.

I started this on 12-24-20. I didn’t take the time to look up the Scriptures or edit I until today.

People like to take prominent Christians or Christian organizations to task about their stances om abortion and the LGBTQIA community. If the response isn’t sufficient, the individual or organization is subsequently canceled.

This baffles me slightly. People want respect, acceptance and tolerance for who they are and what they believe but are unable to give the same for others who hold different beliefs.

Those who are against abortion and the LGBTQIA community aren’t much better. Just because those are seemingly visible sins, they have the capacity to, and potentially do, sin. They have tolerance for what they deem “little” sin or their own sin.

Just because something is mentioned in the Bible as an abomination, there is no big sin or little sin. All of it separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2; Ephesians 2:12; Ephesians 4:18).

We don’t even have to “actually” sin to sin. The Bible says to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin. (James 4:17 KJV)

Jesus warned that there would be people who would do all this stuff in God’s name but he will say he didn’t know them at the day of judgment (Matthew 7:21-23).

There are things for me that are okay and not okay. Others view those things differently.

Here’s the thing that’s great. Our relationship with Jesus and salvation is an individual, personal thing.

We can share beliefs. We can disagree on beliefs. We should never condemn. We have no heaven or hell.

We can judge depending on the circumstance. If you profess Christianity, we can look at the Bible, Jesus, and his teaching. We can examine if your life lines up and if you are bearing fruit of relationship with him.

Now, I’m not saying go around with a clipboard and point out people’s faults. That’s too much judgment.

But, if I’m deciding if I’m going to take your advice, be a member of your church, be in any relationship of any kind, or we engage in conversation, I can try the spirit by the Spirit (1 John 4:1). I can assess what the fruit you’re bearing looks like (Matthew 7:16-20). That’s part of guarding your heart and using wisdom (Proverbs 4:23).

We are called to love. Jesus said so (Matthew 22:36-40). Our beliefs should never make peope feel unloved. Love came to earth and was crucified on a cross (John 3:16). Love took on sin so we could be sinless.

But, the sinlessness is a personal choice. Sinlessness is the decision we as individuals get to make based on the revelation we receive after reading the Bible and entering into relationship with God.

I’ve been too judgmental. I’m sure I will be again. Some of it is learned behavior. However, if I know to do good and don’t, it’s sin. I’m working on it. Amongst other things.

Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). That doesn’t mean we can just be out here wildin because we are loved. Love allows us to recognize and stop sinning. Love gave us salvation to remove the sin.

Love someone today-especially yourself.

Proverbs 3

*Summary of The Message (MSG) version*

1-2: Don’t forget what we’ve been taught and take the commands to heart because they will help you live a long, full, well lived life.

It is important to remember the words of the Proverbs, but also the “words” of our lives. If we don’t keep in mind what we have been through and what we have learned, we are liable to have to endure it again. Cycles. Frustration. Wilderness. But, if we keep our lessons, what God has done for us, ever before us, we can move on and experience other things because we aren’t needlessly going through the same thing time and time again.

3-4: Maintain love and loyalty, tying them around our neck, carving their initials on our heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God and the people’s eyes

So interesting to me that love is mentioned as something we should maintain, along with loyalty, and carving their initials on our heart. Why? Because love for others, and his love for us, was so important to Jesus. It is all through the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). The Psalmist says they hide the Word in their heart that they might not sin against God (Psalm 119:11). God is love (1 John 4:7). The Word is God (John 1:1). So amazing how the Word confirms itself. It is important that we live well. Later, in 2 Corinthians 3:2, Paul tells us that we are epistles, letters, known and read of men.

5-12: Trust God from the bottom of our hearts, not trying to figure out things on our own. Listen for God’s voice in everything we do and wherever we go because He will keep us on track. Don’t assume we know everything. Run to god and from evil. Our bodies will glow healthily, bones will vibrate with life. Honor God with everything we own, giving him the first and best. We will have an abundance if we do. Don’t resent God’s discipline or take issue with His loving correction. He corrects us because he loves us.

The King James Version (KJV) says with all our heart. But seeing the bottom in the Message (MSG) version hit differently today. The bottom is the lowest part. It still means all. But seeing bottom means, to me today, with every single bit, with every last drop. With everything and all that you have. KJV says not to lean to our own understanding. The simplicity of the MSG version packs a different punch too. Leaning to our own understanding seems to speak to not doing what we know. Here, it is telling us not to be independent but depend on God. KJV says to acknowledge him in all our ways and He will direct our paths. This version is so much more thorough and intentional. Not just acknowledge Him, but also listen for His voice in EVERYTHING because he will keep us on track. This seems like it is saying be humble sit down. Hahaha. How great is it that if we run to God, we will have life and health? Giving God our first and best leading to abundance reminds me of Malachi 3 and the promise if we give tithes and offering.

13-18: Meeting wisdom is a blessing. Insight as our friend is worth more money in the bank, her friendship better than a big salary. Her value is more than what comes with wealth, nothing we desire compares to her. She gives long life on one hand and recognition on the other. She has a beautiful manner, with wonderful life that is complete, a tree of life if we embrace her. If we hold her tight we will be blessed.

I don’t know how much more even needs to be said. Wisdom and insight are so vital and important to us. We need to make sure we use wisdom and insight in all that we do.

19-20: God formed the earth with wisdom, raised heaven with insight. They knew when to signal rivers and springs to surface and dew to descend from night skies.

Same. Y’all. Same. But. How cool is God that He gives us what He used to create the world to enable us to live well and be in relationship with Him.

21-26: Guard clear thinking and common sense with our lives and don’t lose sight of them. They will keep our soul alive and well, us fit and attractive. We will have safe travel without tiring or tripping, napping without worry, sleeping well at night. We will not panic over alarms or surprises, predictions of doomsday because God will be with us keeping us safe and sound.

Being free from clutter and distraction in our mind, as well as having common sense, sets us up to live our best lives without stress and worry, without being tired and falling down. Duh. Lol.

27-29: Don’t abandon anyone who deserves help as we are God’s hand for them. Don’t put our neighbor off for later if we have the money. Don’t find ways to take advantage of a trusting, unsuspecting neighbor.

Hands and feet of Jesus. That’s what I thought. People say that’s what we should be as Christians. Facts. Jesus told us as much. Whatever we do unto those who need it we are doing unto him (Matthew 25:31-46).

30-32: Don’t have a chip on our shoulder looking to fight. Don’t shoulder our way through life being a bully because God can’t stand twisted souls. The straightforward get God’s respect.

I mean. What more is there to say? That’s not who God is. We are to be holy because He is holy (1 Peter 1:16). A bully ain’t that.

33-35: The house of the wicked are cursed by God but the home of the righteous is blessed. Proud skeptics are given a cold shoulder but those down on their luck receive help. Honor is given to wise living. Booby prizes are given to stupid living.

Reaping and sowing. Reaping and sowing. Galatians 6:7.

Well…About That Winter Solstice Post

I told someone about that last post. They went in on me. I didn’t say much back. I had thoughts but didn’t share them.

First, I said we as Christians in the post. I probably should have said some of us. The we I was talking about is the we I know personally.

I was told that Christmas is the only time some people all gather collectively. I was told that’s when people forgive and heal and mend.

I was told that coming together honors God because he’s about family. I was told that it is a time of love-or something like that.

I was told that there are people who focus solely on Jesus or their higher power around the world.

I think I was told that it shouldn’t be all Jesus and praying and calling his name all day.

I said Happy Winter Solstice. I was told that the solstice is steeped in witchcraft. I said that makes the addition of Christmas at that time of year WORSE!!!!!

I was told more but don’t remember.

Again, I was a slight punk and didn’t respond much. I was told that I had a point after all of the other stuff.

My reply now? Why are we waiting until the whole year has passed to make time for our family? If God is all about family, should we not make more time?

Why are we waiting until the whole year has passed to mend and heal and forgive? Should we not be loving on each other more?

The big one. Why can we not take a day, a fast of sorts, not at Christmas cuz ya know, to sit in the miracle that is the birth of Jesus?

He did, and does, SOOOOOOOOO much for us. The sacrifice of a day meditating, living solemnly, with what he did ever before our minds seems like a small thing in the grand scheme of things.

But hey. That’s just me. Different strokes for different folks.

I am a rebel of sorts. Just because it’s been done a certain way forever doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever.

There are things I examine and question. If it doesn’t make sense, I’m not down for it.

I’m not here for perpetuating stuff cuz it “worked” for someone else. I could care less if I’m the odd one out.

I’ve tried fitting in. It still didn’t go well. So. I have decided to just do me while others do them.

Why? Did you text me today?

I sent those sentences as two separate texts to someone today.

I was in a whole situationship with this person for a few weeks the past couple months.

It was bananas. It went super fast and ended faster. I knew trouble was brewing three days in.

I learned some stuff-good and bad about myself. It honestly made me better.

I asked for closure that never came.

So, color me surprised to receive a text three weeks and four days later that said good morning.

A plethora of things ran through my mind and out of my mouth.

But, like I told my friend, I had my good Holy Ghost on.

I have learned to think and be calculated, not in a sinister way, in my responses to people.

Cuz everything one wants to say isn’t the best thing to say.

I’m trying to represent Christ well. Especially to this person.

True, to my feelings, emotions, and people who love me, he doesn’t deserve it.

But, like I asked my friend, did I deserve grace, new mercies today?

I told her it is a mutually beneficial situation, not from him though. I am storing up treasure in heaven. I am setting up some good reaping. Maybe it’s diminished some by talking about it. I dunno.

I told her vengeance is the Lord’s and he will repay. I told her about what Jesus said, blessed are ye when…

I just want this person to be okay. I want this person to be won to Christ. They were raised basically the same way as me. They endured some things. They chose a different way than me. I was fine with it. There were some other things, maybe related to the different way they chose, that were not fine with me. They didn’t make it difficult to walk.

Despite the poor treatment and ill feelings, I left the door open. I don’t know if they realize what kind of door is open. I don’t think they realize how crazy it is for them to act like nothing happened after what they did. My friend said she may need the Holy Ghost again cuz I’m more patient than her. She wants me to just leave him alone.

My feelings say leave him alone. My hurt says block him again. But my heart says he may just need something I have. I forgave him.

These feelings, this flesh, has me torn. I don’t wanna be a doormat or get played like I was. I don’t believe Christians should be martyrs and just take whatever from whoever. There’s just something inside of me, I hesitate to say God cuz I don’t wanna put anything on Him that isn’t Him, telling me to show him the love of God.

I told my friend I wish people would have been patient with me when I was in a similar state. I wish people would have been there for me or given me the benefit of the doubt. I’m, hard as it may be though I’ve continued praying for him, gonna tread lightly and respond when he chooses to reachout.

I’m just not getting back into a situationship. I refuse to go down that path. Fool me once, okay multiple times but all back to back, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I ain’t here for the shame. Lol.

Reckless

I apologize now if anything is ever redundant. Just go with it.

I’ve been reckless a time or two about a thing or two. But I gotta say the biggest thing I was reckless with was my life.

How you ask? Unprotected sex with a virtual stranger whose last name I don’t even remember.

If you’ve read any of my blogs this week that may be puzzling. Shoot. It’s my life and it puzzles me.

I was raised in one of the strictest Christian denominations there is. But I embraced it. I vowed to never have sex until marriage. I remember sitting at a table and being told to never say never. Again, just like Peter (who I think I’m most like in the Bible now that I think about it), I confirmed that wouldn’t be me.

I guess it’s something that I lasted longer than many of my peers. But it makes it more insane and foolish.

I’m of decent intelligence. I had sex ed. I saw the news.

When you don’t love yourself, are caught up in what the world around you has, and want what the world deems as important, you’ll do silly stuff.

I managed for a time not to give away the only thing that I had kept for myself. Cuz I gave everything else one could give to be loved and accepted-money, time, love, my identity, my beliefs, etc.

But one day I wasn’t strong enough. And like the serpent beguiled Eve, this slick talking dude was given my most prized possession and whispered words I needed to hear. But they didn’t matter in that moment. I regretted it immediately.

But that’s the funny thing about things we find wrong. I enjoyed it. I mean it is in part for human pleasure. But I didn’t want to keep doing wrong.

Yet I did. And never asked about or sought protection. I took pregnancy tests and kept going. I was even chased through a neighborhood by some chick and waited on his call one night. 🤦🏾

Eventually I went to a particular church service-I hadn’t stopped going. He actually flaked on me. The message hit me like a ton of bricks. I told him we were done with it.

I, of course, attempted to go back on that decision. For some reason he wouldn’t let me. I choose to believe it was the grace of God.

No surprise that our relationship was over not too long after that. It would be years before I got the courage to be tested. Mercifully, I have no diseases.

And to me, despite about 6 months of crazy, I’ve got a little over a decade of celibacy under my belt.

Honestly, I haven’t struggled too much cuz I’ve focused on trying to love me. I haven’t put myself in too many places or positions to have an issue. And when the desire to be loved externally, or an infatuation, has popped up I worked on leaving it alone.

I have no deep or good way to end this. Well maybe. You are the only you you’ve got. And you’ve only got one life to live. Love you. Cherish you. Heal you. Respect you. Demand the best for you. You’ll be better for it in the end. Don’t be reckless.✌🏾

Look

Ok. So forever I’ve been trying to come up with an intelligent, politically correct way to state my feelings on this whole equality and gay marriage situation. I can’t remember if I’ve attempted and dotlnt wanna go read all my posts this early before work.

What I will say is that my religious beliefs opposes homosexuality but love every single homosexual. People will wonder how can that be. It’s the whole hate the sin love the sinner that Christ, you know the dude who Christians are supposed to follow and model themselves after, spoke and mote importantly exemplified.

I mean come on. He loved a liar, betrayer who assisted his choice to lay down his life, a prostitute, a multiply married bed hopper he should have never associated with, and a doubter. A man whose life mission was to destroy his people and the legacy he died to create was the greatest apostle ever.

Almost every single person I’ve encountered who is a homosexual or believe it’s ok are awesome people-some of the best people I know. While I don’t agree with their beliefs or lifestyle, and they don’t agree with mine, I see their value and worth. Some of these people are Christians. Some aren’t. But I will tell you at times they’ve treated me better than those who lay claim to the same faith.

The interesting thing with Christians against homosexuality is that they seem to have something in common with Christians for slavery. Pause. I can’t believe I wrote it either. I don’t think that the fight for love and marriage equality is on par with the fight against slavery and for equal rights. But the Christians share an absolutely common trait.

Both sets of Christians have decided to pick and choose certain parts of the Bible to stand behind while conveniently ignoring others. I’m guilty of it in areas of my life.

Jesus told Peter to render unto Caesar what is his when the fish provided a coin. Not only that. The Bible says, paraphrased, to obey them that have rule over you. The Bible says, again to paraphrase, that you have to obey the law.  I fail miserably every time I speed.

One of the core ideals of this nation is the idea of the separation of church and state. That’s why prayer is gone. That’s why people have campaigned against God on money and in the pledge. I don’t agree but I can’t fault them. That’s what this country’s law has allowed.

This country’s law has now allowed same sex marriage. All these politicians and government officials don’t agree. That’s fine. I’m sure no contract said they had to religiously agree. But they have to do their jobs. They have to obey the law.

The Bible also says there is a time for every thing under the sun. Talk radio, the news, the pulpit, the barbershop, Sunday dinner, op-eds, whatever, that’s the place for these grandstands.

Sure, I can see belief coming into play when arguing or voting for or against the law. It’s completely rational to argue that there is no true 100% separation. But the law is the law. And loving your neighbor is loving your neighbor. Modern day Christians are so much like Bible day Saducees and Pharisees. Again. I’ve been guilty.

Don’t agree. That is your right. Refusing to love, accept, and obey the law makes you just as bad as those you judge. Sure some sins are abominations. But sin is sin. No big one. No little one. They’ll all send you to hell-that is if that’s what you believe.

Bitter Forgiveness

That is all this really is about today. I’ve been hurt  countless times by countless people because I relied on them to provide things for me.

My life sucked. I’ve talked about this. I didn’t feel wanted, accepted, appreciated, or loved. All of that was provided at the cross. But it’s hard to be a child and have no control over things. And even into my early adulthood I was searching. People are visible and tangible. God isn’t

I have a vision and a huge future. For the past few years I have struggled with what to do after God moves me into what I see. Some of those people who hurt and betrayed me may put their hands out. Then again some may be too ashamed or embarrassed to put their hands out.

My flesh wants to be rude. My flesh wants to keep them in the past and continue the separation. My flesh wants to ask where they were when I needed and wanted them.

My heart wants to just love them because I found something in them to love in the first place. They provided something to me that was beneficial whether pleasant or painful.

My spirit says to guard my heart. My spirit says to be a good steward. My spirit is torn between my heart and flesh. I don’t have the answer right now. And to be honest I don’t need the answer right now.

God is a very present help in the time of trouble. And whether it is biblical or not, he is an on time God. I’m sure he will lead me and guide me into all truth. I just want to be pleasing in what I say and do.

To me forgiveness isn’t forgetting. If I forget I am susceptible to the same prior behavior. But forgiveness requires me to let animosity and bitterness go. I can honestly say if anybody who ever hurt me needed me I would be there. But I don’t desire a relationship.

I feel like if I wasn’t good enough, if my heart wasn’t good enough when I had next to nothing it shouldn’t be good enough when I walk into the wealthy place God has called, predestined, ordained,  prepared,  and created for me.

I have worked so hard and will continue working hard. I want to be surrounded by people who were willing to stay and truly assist me on my way. Not people who dismissed me.  I dunno. I’m rambling. I know his grace will be sufficient. I’m just going to trust him and know that all things work together for good.

Precious

I was wearing blue sapphires and diamonds one day. Those are precious stones. Proverbs 31 talks about a woman whose price is far above precious stones.

There are people who think a woman should buy her own things. Then when she’s ready for a man she can say what she is capable of doing for herself and he should be able to do the same and/or better.

In part, that’s why I bought mine. I also wanted some nice stuff. The thing is I have come to discover is that if I want something and I can get it for myself I shoule. You should only demand of others what you are willing to give.

Now I get that because of my future job and my dreams and goals my earning potential may be exponentially higher than a man’s. I’m not really talking about stuff or the cost of the stuff. I mean you have to be willing to treat yourself well, take care of yourself, love yourself, value yourself, be kind to yourself.

If you are broken you will either attract broken people or people who prey on broken people. And if you aren’t strong enough or careful enough you will allow others to change you. I’ve been guilty of all 3. It’s easy when you just want peace. It’s easy to repeat past behavior.

And then one day you will look up and not recognize yourself. You’ll look up and not like what you see. It’s true that sometimes you go through the same thing and learn different things. But it is also it is imperative that one guards their heart. That’s the essence of you.

Sometimes you can forget how important you are. Sometimes you forget how valuable and precious you are. I saw a fb post that basically said when you realize how much you are worth you will stop giving people a discount. It’s difficult to change for fickle people. Once you start giving pieces of you away, people will take pieces until you are left empty and broken with much of nothing.

And the road back to you or to a better you is hard and painful. I’ve looked around and assessed my situation. I’m chucking the deuces. If people aren’t adding value, no matter who they are, I don’t really need them around. I don’t need people questioning my decisions. I don’t need people criticizing me. I don’t need people who will make me question or doubt my decisions. I don’t need people who I will have to stop and explain the minute details of everything.

That is too difficult,  painful, time consuming and stressful. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I choose me. I choose to live this precious life of mine.

Hero

Spent so much time looking for a savior
Searching for a hero to rescue me
Longing for unconditional love
To be seen, valued, treasured
Wanting to matter, belong
Trying to be a round peg
In an undersized square hole
Thinking if I changed me
They would be happy
Only it was too hard
Too uncomfortable
To change what mattered most
Looking back now
I could have pushed
And tried to changed the easier part
But the easier part
Was a coping mechanism
For the parts I buried and hid
Who I am refused to die
It wouldn’t be buried or denied
My savior saved me again
Became my hero and rescued me

Single and (Mostly) Satisfied

I’ve mentioned before I don’t get why marriage is so import and why it is the ultimate end game. Mariage is honorable. The marriage bed is undefiled. It’s better to mary than to burn. Marriage enables the world to be populated.

I get all that. It’s one of the first things that existed in the Bible. But Paul never married. Paul talked about being single. He advised that being single allows one to devote more time to service to God. The Bible tells us that some won’t ever marry.

So why do we only focus on one thing in “the church”? “The world” seems to value marriage to a certain degree. Companionship period is important to the world. So human nature as a whole places a premium on being with somebody.

It is important for humans to have interaction. It helps us to be us and to be great. But why is my sexuality questioned when I am single and not looking? Why are people incredulous,  indignant even, when I don’t want a man or want to be a member of an online dating service or don’t want to go speed dating?

I know my past. Even though I’m not her anymore, I am still vulnerable where relationships are concerned. It is easy to be distracted and lose yourself when you are looking and/or are in a relationship. I have other things, school, personal goals, spiritual goals, to focus on and worry about.

The Bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing. I heard a preacher say a woman can help herself be found. Some people think a woman can find a man. I don’t know which I agree with. I do know I’ve ended up in a world of trouble trying to find him myself.

I finally know who I am. Or am getting to fully know me. I would like a relationship. But at this moment I know better. There are certain things I feel one needs to bring to a marriage and I’m not there yet. God takes two to create one. He doesn’t take a piece and a piece. That’s just pieces. I think it takes more wholeness for a marriage than a relationship. Perfection isn’t required, but I think you should accomplish yourself what you seek in others.

I think I’m whole enough for a relationship. But at 27 who is dating to date? I don’t know where I’ll land when I’m done with school. Is it fair to put somebody in limbo? I know people do things for love, but is it fair?

I can honestly say I know I’ll be alright if I never marry. I don’t know too many people who only want to adopt kids. I want to adopt a toddler IF I even have kids and…TMI for a blog. I have male friends and at the moment that is good enough 99.9% of the time.

I know God grants you the desires of your heart. But you also have to ask according to His will. I want His will. I want joy. I want peace. I want to be and do what I was not just called to be and do but what I was chosen, created to be and do. That may or may not include a family. I am almost completely content in the state I’m in. And with his help I will, and as long as I’m in His will, forever be content in the state I find myself in.

Love

So I was going to write like three different blogs based off of the last one. I’m not in a mood or that frame of mind anymore. However, I’m sure some of what was going to be in there will make its way into this blog.

I think I’ve talked about love before. I may repeat so bear with me. I think I felt loved as a kid. At some point after ten I don’t think I felt loved.

The cool thing has seemingly always been being in a relationship. I had my first kiss in a Bally’s daycare playing house at like five. I had a boyfriend off and on until ten. My mom championed the cause of the last boyfriend around ten.

When I moved I eventually ended up with a boyfriend. I just wanted what everybody else had. And I’m sure I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. He was a typical kid but it was hard to deal with his behavior and everything else going on in life.

After we broke up I vowed to God freshman year of high school that I didn’t need a boyfriend until he wanted to give me one eve. If that was after school. Foolish little girl.

I ended up obsessing over several guys, before my next boyfriend, before I finished school. I wanted to be loved. I wanted what the other kiddies had.

I was so foolish that I told some work friends, some with the same beliefs but not living it and others with different beliefs not living them either, that I wanted a boyfriend for my 20th birthday. Can you say mistake?

I always said I would give my virginity to my husband. I remember being at the dinner table as a teenager being adamant, even after they warned me about what I would and wouldn’t do, that I would give it to my husband. In my quest for love and being like others I made a foolish choice. Not only did I give my gift away, I didn’t do it safely. And I’ll be honest, I’m a tad nervous to find out if there are lingering consequences. I will find out before the one finds me, if I’m even supposed to be found.

I put my life in danger in more ways than one. Supposedly this dude was a triplet. I never saw all three. I think somebody I know saw them. I’m not sure. I do know that somebody was chasing my car through the streets. I do know that I was dumb enough to go wait at Walmart til he called me after the police left and went back to where he was.

Depseration will cause you to things you never said you would, never thought you would. Like, in addition ti the ither foolishness, spend money on a no good dude who couldnt answrr thr phone and was nowhere to be found. I fully believe my life would be far different had I not heeded a warning from God.

So I went to church urch one Sunday. I actually invited him. He said he would go. Of course he didn’t answer the phone. I went without him. The pastor called me out. She said something along the lines of “Karlissa. God says you are stinking and you’re dirty.”

Mind you she was like another mother. She usually knew all my business. But I was too embarrassed and ashamed. I knew what she was talking about. Though I didn’t want to stop, sin is nice especially when it was something God created to be and feel good, I told him we had to. And, thankfully, when i wanted to be weak he refused.

Of course there was no point in us being together after that. I haven’t seen or heard from him. Nor have I fallen on the seven years since. God CAN keep you if you want to be kept. 

I’m grateful for God’s love and his warning. I beleive if I would have kept on I would have had his kid and maybe ended up in jail. Worse, I may have caught something. Again, i am currently willfully ignorant.

God reminds me and shows me of his love for me. His love was demonstrated on the cross when he sent Jesus to die for my sins in my place. He showed me my woth and sent people to tell me. He sent me home where could heal and eventually be loved unconditionally.

I will forever be grateful to my grandmother and aunt for giving me what I needed at a critical point in my life. I will forever be grateful for those, past and present, who helped me and loved me along the way. There are some true Christians in “the church.”

Sadness

I guess I’m in a mood to share.  The last blog, inspired by tweets, inspired by facebook trolling that led to sadness and reflection, made me want to write another.  Divorce destroys.  That is pretty much factual.  No psychologist here, but people always talk about the affects of divorce on children.  As a child reared by parents who took me to church, I did not escape the destruction.  At the end of the day everybody is human.  People operate off of human emotions.

My parents relationship, for as long as I can remember, has been riddled with strife.  It got worse the older I got, when he remarried.  I fell victim to one side of the story.  At times, I hated my father.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized some of my transferred feelings were without merit, some were validated.  There are always multiple sides to stories.

Based on my own interactions with my parents, as well as observations, I can see why things didn’t work.  I also believe religion, not relationship, caused, and still cause, issues today.  The relationships I have with my mother, father, and step father are illusions sewn together by my forgiveness and decision to erect a mental and emotional wall.  I don’t doubt I could find justification.

The sadness part.  Ok.  I looked at the profile of somebody I was so in love with.  I just knew he would be mine.  He wasn’t the first and he wasn’t the last.  The “church” (again, my experience.  I’ll attempt to place quotes around my history) places a premium on getting married and finding a spouse.  Society does too.  I don’t understand why education, service to God and others, holistic ministry aren’t given a premium.  The Bible even says some won’t marry.  Why the “church” and society make people who cannot, choose not, or will not marry feel like failures is beyond me.

I paid attention in church and knew that should be a goal.  I dreamed up lists.  I had notions of fancy.  Everything was a sign.  Any attention was love.  I was a mess.   There are only so many guys in church, guys in the world period.  I dunno why God created a shortage…lol.  I was eventually attracted to only one type of guy, though I didn’t see it.  Not to disparage anybody, because I still care about at least two of them :), but they were unavailable then and will probably always be unavailable.

The reason I latched on whenever anybody gave me any attention is because I felt ignored.  I felt unloved.  I knew Jesus loved me.  I believed he died on the cross for little ol’ me.  But I didn’t see much of his love shown towards me by my parents, friends, and the “church.”  Now, people told me they loved me.  Again, humans convolute and distort love.  I didn’t feel or see what I read in the pages of the Bible.

I realize now that I couldn’t stay in bondage.  I couldn’t stay in Egypt.  I couldn’t languish to die.  The three that were unavailable left the most impact on my life.  They were like guides and beacons on the way to who I  should be, where I should go. 

Number 1, I’ve known the longest, since 97 in the sixth grade, though we went our separate ways.  We had the most issues.  We fought the most.  I don’t curse but you best believe I cursed him out in a text.  You had to be there.  We were off and on as friends.  Never labelled more than that but definitely acted like more.  It was the worst relationship, outside of familial, that I have ever had.  He is one of my best friends.  I would dang near lay my life down for this dude.  He had issues.  I had issues.  We were a lot alike.  Hurting people hurt others.  The same may be true for family.  I think both of my parents have/had issues, it’s pretty much proven in my father’s case.  He’s still struggling.  It isn’t my job to fix him.  He thinks he’s okay.  One day he will be healed and whole.  One day he will be who I know God created him to be.  Until then, I’ll love him, pray for him and support him.  I’ve dropped a friend over him and don’t regret it.  I don’t need that friend. I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT THAT…hopefully the caps will remind me to write THROWAWAY…

Number 2.  That was a mess all the way around.  I wasn’t as obsessed.  I found out it wasn’t as well hidden as I thought. We didn’t really have issues.  I tried to tell him what somebody said behind his back.  It backfired.  Whatever.  We may have been a lot alike.  I remember some rumblings of some stuff.  Not from him.  We didn’t talk that much.  Craziness.  We are still cool.  If I would try to talk to him.

Number 3.  This was just bad.  I don’t think it was the worst.  It got me home, where I have thrived and been freed from bondage.  It blew up my life.  I lost friends.  Shoot, I lost his friendship.  But he holds the most special place in my heart.  His middle initial is tattooed on my wrist.  Before you judge, let me explain.  He assisted in my freedom.  I believe he loved me as a friend.  He couldn’t give me what I wanted.  I don’t believe he knows what he wants.  He has issues.  Our only true fight happened because I thought about his behavior and him, while he was ignoring me i might add, and asked a mutual friend a question.  She went and told him.  This is what destroyed a few friendships.  I think I may have talked to him since then.  Nothing major.  We don’t speak.  I haven’t attempted to speak to him in a while.  I think the people we love the most have the power to hurt us the most.  No matter how he has made me feel I’m grateful.  If he came around today I wouldn’t hesitate to include him in my life.  He needs help.  He needs to be free. 

Oh yeah.  The tattoo.  Let the “church” folk tell it, I’m not saved.  I love what my first and middle names mean (endeared, consecrated to God, gracious, merciful.  I gotta talk about this in THROWAWAY-especially endeared.  Don’t mind my notes.  I don’t want to forget) so I tatted the initials.  I was pissed at my dad.  Again, THROWAWAY.  His middle name means the new house.  I want to do something different.  I want to be something different.  It didn’t hurt that it’s an X…lol.  I think I’m well on my way to erecting a new house.

Bloody 3-30-13

This is a post from last year. Perfect timing. I read it again. I still stand by it (with slight corrections). LOL. Share the work at Calvary with somebody this week. Give some love, give some mercy, give some grace, give some forgiveness, give some sacrifice, give some friendship, give some of you.

*********************************************************************************************************************

I am in awe.  It is kind of hard to think about the sacrifice that we are commemorating this week.  I mean, come on, who would die so others could live?  Others that would betray, curse, disown, disrespect, revile?  Yeah, sure, we say we would die for people we love who love us back.  But how many of us would actually die for someone we loved who hated us or hated what we stood for?

I could never imagine being born to die.  Not only born to die, but living a life having to work with the thing I know is going to be used to take me out of here.  I will never forget the *Resurrection Sunday* sermon I heard years ago in high school.  Jesus was raised by a man who taught him about carpentry.  Imagine knowing you were going to give your life up on a tree and having to listen to, look at the manipulation of trees for a huge portion of your life.

Imagine loving people, wanted to help people, showing people, teaching people, ministering to people, giving all of who you are to people who don’t even recognize who you are.  Who don’t even appreciate who you are.  Imagine knowing that it is a necessity that you must die but at the same time the concept of the pain and shame causes you to sweat blood.  Imagine having to be separate from who you are, divine, sinless, and your Father, for something you didn’t do and people who may never accept or know you.  Imagine the worst thing, worst feeling in the world, something you hate, would hate and having to take that on and confront it all because you love a thankless people.

Imagine spending your life in the same house for decades, everybody knows you and knows your family.  You went on vacation with these people, you went to church with these people.  Some of these people were your best friends.  You spent almost every moment, good and bad, with them, giving to them far more than they could ever give you.  They want what you’re giving, miracles, signs, and wonders.  They appreciate you.  They worship you.  They allow you a parade.  They think you are the best thing ever on Sunday.

Then comes the week.  One of your friends sells you for 30 pieces of money and gives you away with a kiss on your cheek.  Others fall victim to the mind games of weak men, who desire worldly power and fear what men who have no belief in the God you are, and want you to die, yet it was a totally different story Sunday.  One of your best friends, the one who so perfectly conceptualized who you are, the one who knows you on a level that few do, promises to go with you to death, even cuts a man’s ear off, and is too ashamed to follow through with his promise.

Then comes The Day.  You have to watch the woman who birthed you, cared for you, loved you, watch you die, not for anything you’ve done, but for what everybody else has and will do.  People who were eager to eat the food, drink the wine, benefit from the miracles, join in in making fun of you, encourage those encouraging you to “show yourself” and abort the mission.  You suffer for hours, bleeding, baking in the hot sun, a human sacrifice to atone for all the sins of mankind. Finally, you surrender to what is coming next and give up your life.

Now you have to go to enemy territory.  Someone who you created, who worshipped you then turned on you, who desires to take everything from you for no real reason at all.  You have to live in torment to provide a way of escape for all who believe in you, and accept the gift of you.  Surreal to be subject to the complete antithesis of you and what you are.

Now, you have taken victory over the death and the grave and it is time to go home.  Not the place you knew as a man for 33 1/2 years, but from the beginning of time.  But imagine those same friends, grieving and crying.  One still doesn’t believe, though all of what you said would happen has happened, they have seen all of what you have done.  Before you can even go back to your father, a safe place full of love and peace, you have to rescue the best friend who has abandoned all you worked for together.  You have to show yourself to the doubter.  You have to give them instructions they don’t understand, a promise to wait for something they have never seen or felt.

What a life, what a week, what a gift, what a sacrifice, what a savior.  What LOVE.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you for your life.  Thank you for giving me life, and a hope, and a future.