I’m doing so well this week with not writing. Lol.
Apologies in advance to the regulars. Cuz I’m sure I’m going to be repetitive.
I moved for the millionth time in June. I really prayed and sought God. I mean, most times I have. I’m just out here like Abraham. I feel like every one was preparation to make the move I had to make. And the ones to come. Smh lol.
I made the hard, difficult decision to once again let people go. But this time, it was people I never thought I’d refrain form communicating with. I know I hurt hurt one person.
But, I know where I’m going. And I fully surrendered to it. I had to silence myself. I had to silence the voices around me so I could hear God clearly.
While I am transparent on here, I haven’t told all of my business like I used to. I hid most of the blogs I’ve written since 2013. I left the ones up from May forward. Because I changed in May. For real for good. I have stutter-stepped to this place. But ya girl is here for good.
I told y’all that I wrote a book that was trash that wouldn’t see the light of day. I thought my transparent testimony required spilling every minute detail. I was of the mind that if they didn’t want anybody to know they shouldn’t have done it.
I received grace. My middle name means God is gracious. But I wasn’t handing out the grace love requires. I love my family. But my family has hurt me and I haven’t always felt loved.
But something happened in the past two months that led to the grace and decision to barely mention my family. I prayed. For real. I had no peace.
As I wrote about them in yet another version of the same trash book (at least three chiiii), I really looked at our past. As descendants of enslaved people. I considered all of the info I knew about my mom’s grandparents. Then my grandparents. Then my parents. Then my aunts, uncles, sister, and cousins. That’s how I ended up with That’s All They Know-Keep Building.
I had a couple conversations with one of my cousins then we had a conversation with my mom. It made me see my grandfather in a whole new light and me as his legacy this morning. Cuz I’ve been talking about it to embrace it. But something totally different hit me today.
I didn’t care for a lot of stuff growing up and I was super judgmental. But theses past two months have made me see him so much better. I am so proud to be his granddaughter. I am truly striving to be like him. I see how much like him I am.
It’s crazy what some transparency will get you. This is why I have been saying if people were open the ones behind them wouldn’t fall or if they do they wouldn’t stay in shame. This broadens that. Maybe I would have come to this place far sooner had the whole story been laid out without an interrogation versus me drawing my own inferences and conclusions from things mentioned in passing.
Anywho. That’s neither here nor there. I owe da ppl an apology. Ima give them one. I didn’t handle my feelings well. I mean I asked for things that they refused to give. But just because I want them and see what could be doesn’t mean they do. And I can’t force people to see what I see or to want to change.
I wholeheartedly believe there is healing coming. Conversations will be had. Childhood hurts that have grown and been passed down will be unearthed and destroyed. I just have to let God be God and trust in the timing of it all.
Cuz I want us to love love, not dictate and control. I want us to be free and not be hypersensitive or easily offended. I want us to believe motives are pure and there is nothing behind it and no agenda. I want us to walk out the Bible not religion or tradition or what we were taught. But what the Bible actually says.
While our theology will never merge, I aspire to be so much like my grandfather. I aspire to proudly proclaim who he is and pick up some stuff that he left here in the earth. Ima definitely do it differently. But I exist because of him. I’m gonna stand on his shoulders and keep building what he started.
Go be great. Someone’s counting on it.