Tag Archives: hurt

Still There

I was cleaning the other day and there was rice everywhere in the pantry. I pushed it off of what it was on onto the floor. Some of it had already spilled and I needed to clean the floor anyway.

When I was done cleaning and it was time to clean the floor I couldn’t see the rice but I knew it was there.

I swept the floor and, as I knew, I gathered rice.

The point of my being in the pantry is because there was disorganized chaos.

We have a whole lot of stuff we can’t see because our lives and minds aren’t organized. Here I go with this again.

We haven’t taken stock and inventory of what is going on with us. We have trauma and pain, hurt and confusion, disappointment and abandonment hidden among so many other things.

That was the initial route I was going with this. But, while writing, the age old adage that is ever true came to mind. Even when we can’t see Him, what we know to be true, is that God is always there.

We have all of this mess and stuff that we need clean. We name it and put it out there. Or stuff we need. We know we place our petitions before Him.

But He isn’t moving quickly enough. Or at all. Or we just don’t see Him in the process.

Then all of a sudden here comes something “big” (big cuz it may be small but the smallest things can be big in the moment), like a broom to a pile of dirt, comes along and shows us God was there all along. Just like we knew. Just like He said He would be.

I didn’t publish this the other day and stopped writing because I was tired and felt like this didn’t make much sense. It still may not. I think the organization may be off. I dunno. But, this is just a thoughts post. Perfection is never my aim. I think all of it is important. Hopefully it makes enough sense.

The point is two fold. Just because we can’t see our issues and mess does not mean that they are not there. We need to clean it up so God can use us. We don’t use partially clean stuff in our lives why would God want to use a partially clean life for His glory? Especially when NOTHING about Him is unclean. And when nothing, no thing is hidden. He already knows. Just tell Him and let Him help and guide us into cleaning it up. Things will always be a bit off until we do anyway.

Second, though we may not be able to see Him, or trace Him as some say, the Word gives us a promise. He will never leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5 KJV). He keeps His promises. It may seem like all is lost and He has abandoned or forgotten you.

Look at Job. He was there. He allowed Job to go through it because He knew Job and knew he could handle it. That’s the not allowing us to be tempted more than we can bear in 1 Corinthians 10:13.

I’m sure Job had more feelings than we see-despite seeing a lot of them. But God knew that he could handle the loss and the temptation to walk away from Him. He questioned God. He expressed his feelings. God could handle the messiness of it.

Then God reminded Job who He was. Job gathered himself and got it together. Then God blessed him with even more than before. God knew what He was doing, who He was gonna get His glory from.

Valleys don’t exist without mountains. Mountains don’t exist without valleys. But God is the Creator and God of them ALL.

Why? Did you text me today?

I sent those sentences as two separate texts to someone today.

I was in a whole situationship with this person for a few weeks the past couple months.

It was bananas. It went super fast and ended faster. I knew trouble was brewing three days in.

I learned some stuff-good and bad about myself. It honestly made me better.

I asked for closure that never came.

So, color me surprised to receive a text three weeks and four days later that said good morning.

A plethora of things ran through my mind and out of my mouth.

But, like I told my friend, I had my good Holy Ghost on.

I have learned to think and be calculated, not in a sinister way, in my responses to people.

Cuz everything one wants to say isn’t the best thing to say.

I’m trying to represent Christ well. Especially to this person.

True, to my feelings, emotions, and people who love me, he doesn’t deserve it.

But, like I asked my friend, did I deserve grace, new mercies today?

I told her it is a mutually beneficial situation, not from him though. I am storing up treasure in heaven. I am setting up some good reaping. Maybe it’s diminished some by talking about it. I dunno.

I told her vengeance is the Lord’s and he will repay. I told her about what Jesus said, blessed are ye when…

I just want this person to be okay. I want this person to be won to Christ. They were raised basically the same way as me. They endured some things. They chose a different way than me. I was fine with it. There were some other things, maybe related to the different way they chose, that were not fine with me. They didn’t make it difficult to walk.

Despite the poor treatment and ill feelings, I left the door open. I don’t know if they realize what kind of door is open. I don’t think they realize how crazy it is for them to act like nothing happened after what they did. My friend said she may need the Holy Ghost again cuz I’m more patient than her. She wants me to just leave him alone.

My feelings say leave him alone. My hurt says block him again. But my heart says he may just need something I have. I forgave him.

These feelings, this flesh, has me torn. I don’t wanna be a doormat or get played like I was. I don’t believe Christians should be martyrs and just take whatever from whoever. There’s just something inside of me, I hesitate to say God cuz I don’t wanna put anything on Him that isn’t Him, telling me to show him the love of God.

I told my friend I wish people would have been patient with me when I was in a similar state. I wish people would have been there for me or given me the benefit of the doubt. I’m, hard as it may be though I’ve continued praying for him, gonna tread lightly and respond when he chooses to reachout.

I’m just not getting back into a situationship. I refuse to go down that path. Fool me once, okay multiple times but all back to back, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I ain’t here for the shame. Lol.

Bitter Forgiveness

That is all this really is about today. I’ve been hurt  countless times by countless people because I relied on them to provide things for me.

My life sucked. I’ve talked about this. I didn’t feel wanted, accepted, appreciated, or loved. All of that was provided at the cross. But it’s hard to be a child and have no control over things. And even into my early adulthood I was searching. People are visible and tangible. God isn’t

I have a vision and a huge future. For the past few years I have struggled with what to do after God moves me into what I see. Some of those people who hurt and betrayed me may put their hands out. Then again some may be too ashamed or embarrassed to put their hands out.

My flesh wants to be rude. My flesh wants to keep them in the past and continue the separation. My flesh wants to ask where they were when I needed and wanted them.

My heart wants to just love them because I found something in them to love in the first place. They provided something to me that was beneficial whether pleasant or painful.

My spirit says to guard my heart. My spirit says to be a good steward. My spirit is torn between my heart and flesh. I don’t have the answer right now. And to be honest I don’t need the answer right now.

God is a very present help in the time of trouble. And whether it is biblical or not, he is an on time God. I’m sure he will lead me and guide me into all truth. I just want to be pleasing in what I say and do.

To me forgiveness isn’t forgetting. If I forget I am susceptible to the same prior behavior. But forgiveness requires me to let animosity and bitterness go. I can honestly say if anybody who ever hurt me needed me I would be there. But I don’t desire a relationship.

I feel like if I wasn’t good enough, if my heart wasn’t good enough when I had next to nothing it shouldn’t be good enough when I walk into the wealthy place God has called, predestined, ordained,  prepared,  and created for me.

I have worked so hard and will continue working hard. I want to be surrounded by people who were willing to stay and truly assist me on my way. Not people who dismissed me.  I dunno. I’m rambling. I know his grace will be sufficient. I’m just going to trust him and know that all things work together for good.

Throwaway Part 2

I felt unloved.  My mother compared me to a father she seemed to hate.  She went around telling half truths, exaggerations.  She threatened to put me out.  She called and told my father and grandfather on me.  She told on me in person.  She talked to me however she wanted.  She never listened.  She let my sister talk to me any kind of way.  My dad remarried.  Because if the craziness post and prior marriage, and because he may be a little too saved, he put his wife and her kids and grandkids before me.  Though my dad and step mother begged me, for a while I refused to move home and live with them.  Well one day I decided to change some things, give away some things.  I told my dad and stepmother what would probably happen.  My dad told me to call the cops.

I wrote my mom a letter, telling the truth.  It pissed her off.  Not to mention me giving away my personal property.  I refused to go take it back.  At 22 years old my mother slapped me.  And she slapped me hard enough to leave an impression long enough for me to call the cops, get a picture taken, talk to the cops, drive thirty minutes, text her for I don’t know how long.  Maybe it wasn’t on there that long.  The details are hazy.  She put me out.  Then she let me come back.

I went and talked to the first lady of the church I was attending.  I almost lost my mind that night. I had been desperately trying to cultivate a better relationship with Christ, yet all hell broke loose.  The first lady and the mother of the church told me the devil was attacking me.  They wouldn’t let me speak.  They sent me home to my mother.  After years of being sent home, nobody helping me, nobody confronting her, the next day I had had enough.  I quit my job.  Packed my car and left.  I went searching for a friend I let my mother talk me into throwing away.

I got lost on my journey.  I changed my number.  I told my dad and stepmother I was coming.  I asked her not to give away my number.  But she did.  My mom tried to get me to go back.  When the manipulation didn’t work she tried passive aggressiveness.  I only lasted two months at my dad’s. My stepmother was a trip.  She put me out.  When my dad found out he asked her if she got the key.  He didn’t come talk to me.  He didn’t listen when I tried to tell him how she treated me, how she behaved.  They wouldn’t let me drive one of their cars so I had to walk.  Even though they claimed they would help me.  And once I moved to my grandmother’s he came in twice.  Never asked about me or came to my room.  I will say my stepmother apologized.  My dad hasn’t.  I don’t think my mom has either.

Number 3 was there for me.  Pushing and supporting me.  But when I tried to return the favor that didn’t go over so well.  I struggled to maintain friendships with those my age and younger once I moved.  I was loopy and trying to sort through the turmoil and crazy that was my life.  I said one thing but wanted another. The whole destruction of three relationships occurred not too long after this.

Number 1 was struggling.  Another not so great friend was refusing to be there for him because he couldn’t forgive get over what Number 1 had done, and Number 1 had no idea.  Number 1 ended up in crisis and the friend refused to help.  I was incredulous.  I had decided to start throwing away some things myself. I ended the friendship. 

I could no longer be surrounded by people who didn’t want to me.  I was no longer to beg, buy, borrow, or steal friends.  If I wasn’t good enough for you to pick up the phone and call or respond then deuces.  I could no longer surround myself with “Christians” who know nothing about the message of Christ.  Or should I say who knew about it but weren’t trying to accept and display it.  Again, I’m not perfect.  But I try to forgive.  That’s why I can talk to my family, though they almost destroyed me, and constantly threw away the pieces I gave them.  I was already lonely surrounded by people. Why not celebrate, and embrace me?  Why not actively decide to have peace? 

So here I am today.  Everything isn’t perfect.  But I’ve tried to perfect accepting things.  I don’t need people.  I am fortunate with the few I have that accept me as I am and love me for who I am.  I don’t think I accomplished all I set out to do in this blog as I attempt to wrap it up.  Maybe I’ll do some ISSUES or WORTH blogs. I dunno.  But as the Donald Lawrence and Company song “Happy Being Me” says:

“So happy being me, I’m regretting nothing
Bout me
To busy living life giving love… freely
I’m so happy being me”                                                                                                                                                       http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/donaldlawrence/happybeingme.html

Throwaway Part 1

Ok.  As promised, here is this blog.  Throwaway, as a noun defined by google means: a thing intended or destined to be discarded after brief use or appeal.  I’ve been thrown away a time or few in these short 28 years of life.  The first time I actually remember being discarded was in fifth grade.  I had been at the school for the past two years.  I received the gift of salvation.  I don’t recall being any different.  But something must have been.  What began was many years of hurt, betrayal, and displacement.  I belonged to a group of girls thick as thieves.  All of a sudden they turned on me.  The wouldn’t be my friend anymore.  I still remember trying hard to get the fearless leader to like me.  I had been by her side all day trying to get into her good graces.  I came back from the restroom.  I overheard her say something along the line of being her pet.  Dejected, I went to the cafeteria to eat lunch alone.  That school year was rough.  My mom had conferences with my teacher.  It was also the last school year before I had to move.  I didn’t want to.  I had a life.  I volunteered to stay with my dad though he wasn’t my favorite.

We visited the south every summer for my grandfather’s pastoral anniversary celebration.  I knew of the kids.  They knew who I was.  I didn’t really hang with them because I had my cousins and sisters when we would go visit.  Well, I hung with one set of kids and that was pretty much it.  Once I got there permanently it was disastrous.  I remember one of the boys asking me why my legs were so big.  I guess I need to write a blog about WORDS.

I thought these kids were my friends eventually.  A set of cousins seemingly didn’t get along.  They played me for a fool and put me in the middle.  I had a boyfriend, crazy but common in the sixth grade.  He treated his friend, the one he was supposed to be with according to the “church” folk, better than me.  He felt he could do whatever but let me do the same thing and it was awful.  That lasted off and on for about two years.  He didn’t treat me well.  I promised to be done and that I didn’t need another bf.  Well, I have had one since the ninth grade.  And tons of infatuations that were fruitless…sad.  (Sidebar-he tried to, in an email, get back with ya girl freshman year in college.  I knew better and said no.  And, though I don’t recall, he tried again later before he proposed to his wife.  Again no.  Glad he seems happy with his wife and kids.)

School friends got better eventually.  The few that I had.  At least in middle and high school.  The “church” friends not so much.  I tried with all my might to have friends by showing myself friendly.  I was there when I didn’t have to be.  All I wanted was attention in return.  Maybe I attempted to buy their love.  Maybe I was “too saved.”  I admit at times I was.  It took me a while to ever need GRACE.  But when I did, boy did I ever.