Tag Archives: gracious

Honestly…..

I feel like, on and off, for at least 20 of my 35 years seven months and 11 days of life, I have dealt with depression. It’s hard to live life with positivity when you feel like your mother doesn’t like you, your father chooses his wife over you, etc. with family and friends.

That’s a big reason why I rock so tough with Jesus. I was introduced to him at an early age. When I had no one else in the middle of the night, I had him.

Life is just lonely when you don’t want to do the heavy lifiting in relationships. It’s either do all the work and be slightly annoyed but have time after chasing people down. Or just mind your business and do you solo dolo.

I have cycles. I accept that it is out of sight out of mind. Then I miss my people and reach out to them. We engage. Then they say I’m gonna call you. I’m gonna text you. We make plans. Blah, blah, blah. And then it’s crickets.

I reached out to several of my people this week. Some I hadn’t talked to since last summer. I called a couple out on the absence. Everyone had excuses. Most said we would talk later. I haven’t heard a word since the other day.

I lost it. Like lost it lost it. I dang near cried that night. I just told God I didn’t want to live. Like my life is hard. It kinfa sucks. It doesn’t look like anything I pictured.

And mind you, two of these people are my older cousins, one I’ve known since ’99, one since ’01, one since ’01 or ’02, and one since ’05 or ’06. DECADES.

I’ve been hurt by my cousins. Typical stuff. Fell out with ’01 and didn’t speak. Lost touch, lowkey got into it, and had our mothers’ interference with ’99. But, I let go and forgave it all. Because I LOVE love them.

The only one I’m geographically close to is ’99. So phone and text is really all we got. These ninjas can’t respond to a call or text. Or call back or text. Or don’t do the follow up. Just straight ignore me. It’s rare that they initiate contact. Truly out of sight and out of mind.

It hurts to be an afterthought or insignificant to people who claim to care and love you. I just didn’t want to deal with the difficulty of the loneliness.

I told Jesus I wanted to be done. Then I apologized. Natch. Of course. Obvi. Like. He chose me and loves me and how dare I want to waste and squander his investment?

But I was still mad pissed off when I woke up Thursday morning. I def cried. I called my aunt and had the vent session of all sessions. Then I turned on some Gospel music and went to work.

At some point this week I said I need new friends. I met three dope humans this week. I had instant connections with two Thursday. At the AT&T store. Third started regular Tuesday but took off QUICKLY Thursday. LIke texting most of the day and two separate convos that totaled four hours.

I saved this as a draft then went to do some stuff to start my day. I gotta shout out the great ppl in my life!

My aunt I vented to is one of my BEST friends and favorite humans. I love her so. I can’t wait til we have time in a few weeks to meet up. I realized the other day that I haven’t seen her since January of 2021. That’s toooooooo long.

My guy. I met him in ’99 in middle school. We don’t talk all the time but he is one if the most consistent ppl. We need to talk more. I made it to college during most of my sophomore year because of him. He’s never said it, but, he probably regrets helping me get my fist job at his job. I was a mess at first. Lol.

My adopted big sister. I get to be a baby sis and I take advantage. I KNOW I tap dance on her nerves. We been at this since ’08. And made it through a quiet time when I was fed up w folks. We didn’t talk for at least a year. I’m sure it was longer. But we stuck FA life.

And chiiiii. My younger sister. You know how they say siblings are your first best friend? Maybe up until when we were like two and four. The dynamic in our household played a part. We were NOT friends growing up. I bear responsibility for some of it. We have fought. Verbally and physically. The last physical fight was, I’m ashamed to admit, January ’21. In front of her, at the time, seven year old. At the big ages of 34 and 32. Clothes were destroyed. Jewelry was destroyed. I’m amazed by where we are. Cuz we didn’t even talk for months after that. But God is gracious. Whew. Grace is what our middle name Ann means. God gave us some and I feel like we have given each other far more. I truly, after some ups and downs the first time I thought I was there, consider her not just my sister but my friend.

If anybody ever questions the existence of God and why I would choose to have a relationship with Him, it’s the little stuff like this. I’d never kill myself because I feel like suicide is murder and I don’t know that I could repent before I completed it because I’d be dead. I just feel defeated and hopeless. But, as I’ve done over the course of my depression, I take it to Him and it gets better.

If you feel like me, I dare you to find a Bible. Holla atcha girl (karlissa.ann@yahoo.com) if you need to talk. We all we got.

Okay so I DEF forgot about someone. She’s like an aunt and big sister all rolled into one. She listens to my foolishness, questions me, laughs at me, corrects me, and most recently called me silly because of what I said via text. UNTIL I explained it on the phone. Lol. We think so much alike that at times it throws me when sis be on a totally different page. I admire her soooooo much and am so grateful to have her for an example. Even if she stays super busy being the awesome human she is to the ppl in her life. I can count on her to make time despite the many balls she juggles.

You Dead or Nah????

Faith y’all. Faith.

Faith without works is dead. James 2:17. The whole chapter is worth reading.

My brain is finna feel dead. I have four posts to edit in addition to the four? I’ve finished and Proverbs 21. Sheesh. It’s my fault though. Poor planning and time management. Digression.

We pray and we ask God for help. We expect Him to do all the work. Now, some of this may be my good, Instagram girlfriend in my head @shanickavailhouse/@mytransparentMOMents.

But, works require us to do something. God gives us insight and wisdom on how to obtain some things that we pray for. Either we miss it or are stubborn, obstinate, don’t want to do it His way.

If we do nothing the faith we had to ask for it or believe it would happen dies. Why? Because we do not obtain what we believed through our failure to act.

There are some things and miracles God just does and gives. I’m not talking about that.

I want to lose weight. I want to drink more water. I asked God for help. This isn’t the first time. I have tried.

I didn’t love exercising. I didn’t love water. Usually didn’t drink much of anything unless it came with the meal and could eat without any beverage. Didn’t love the outdoors. Ion like weather extremes after living in the cold midwest and hot south and not being out in it much as a child.

Something happened in the middle of the pandemic. Y’all, for my Apostolic/Pentecostal/Holiness/well informed folk, I just quickened.

In the middle of death. In the middle of devastation. In the middle of uncertainty. In the middle of chaos. In the middle of confusion. In the middle of confinement. In the middle of quarantine. In the middle of loss. While I was essential personnel. While I worked every scheduled shift unless I requested off. I lost weight while others gained it.

I would love to say I worked hard. But I didn’t really work at all. I just stopped eating more than one maybe two meals. It was really laziness. I was staying up after I got off at midnight and sleeping or not wanting to go get food. I wasn’t cooking. I feel like I may have said some of this elsewhere. Forgive me. It’s worth repeating.

Once I saw what I had done while accidentally, inadvertently intermittently fasting, I was sold. I bought a half-gallon igloo and decided to drink my water. I started craving it.

I started walking in the park and loved it. I get irritable, definitely today, when I can’t go outside and walk due to the weather. I have been out in walking in the teens or low twenties at the coldest. I just bundle up. I have come to love, love, love God’s nature.

I don’t just eat vegetables and healthily. As a matter of fact, I lost weight eating junk and fast food. I stopped most of the bad stuff at first. I don’t eat nearly as much junk as before. My water intake has slowed. As has the exercise. Moving and having a different lifestyle is an interesting adjustment. But somehow, I am still losing.

I have worked my faith and God has been gracious to me.

Whatever you are believing God for, figure out what your part is. And walk it out. Work it. He just may be waiting on you.