Tag Archives: grace

Wind and Waves

Life isn’t all sunshine and roses despite the beautiful locale and awesome revelation.

I have two specific situations that I am not a fan of. I really wanna give the assignments back to God.

I told Him as much. My relationship with God is truly like some I have with his humans.

I tell him everything. Especially when what’s going on, and at times Him specifically, if I’m honest, is getting on my nerves.

People say He can’t heal what we don’t reveal. I give Him all of it. He already knows. But, He wants me to tell Him and give it to Him.

I’ve run away from one of the situations before. Honestly, if I try and it doesn’t get better, I chuck the deuces. I tried to run away from the other situation after basically being left holding the bag alone.

However, for reasons known and unknown, there’s more for me and those involved in these situations.

The disciples found themselves in at least two storms with Jesus.

He was asleep during one storm (Mark 4:38-40). Jesus questioned their fear because he was on the boat.

In the other storm, the disciples didn’t recognize him at first (Matthew 14:25-32). Then Peter, ever the brave, outspoken, slightly reckless disciple, was the only one willing to engage in the miracle and get out of the boat.

But, he got distracted by the storm. Jesus chastised his doubt. The wind and waves calmed as soon as they got on the boat.

The thing to note is that Jesus was there. He allowed them to experience the wind and waves. Then, he showed them that as long as he is present he has the power to help them through.

He quieted the wind and waves after he awoke from his sleep. He saved Peter after he called to Jesus while he was sinking.

My situations are slightly overwhelming to my feelings, emotions, and carefully cultivated peace.

I’m not a fan of the disruption, wind, and waves they are bringing currently and forecasted for the future. I know the forecast because I know what I have to do. Again, not a fan.

I’m in the boat with Paul-I’d love for Him to remove the thorn. But, now as then, His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I would love for this cup to pass like Jesus requested before his death (Matthew 26:39). But, my refrain is the same. His will not mine. Ugh.

I know one thing for sure and two things for certain. He is with me. I will make it through. And He will get the glory.

After all, wind and waves are mechanisms to propel boats forward to their destinations. There is just some wind and some waves that are more preferable than others. I would definitely prefer some different ones.

Alas, all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). He has plans to prosper me (Jeremiah 29:11). I can do all things because he strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I won’t drown (Isaiah 43:2).

*edit* it is JUST like God ro allow a storm today…

Bitter Forgiveness

That is all this really is about today. I’ve been hurt  countless times by countless people because I relied on them to provide things for me.

My life sucked. I’ve talked about this. I didn’t feel wanted, accepted, appreciated, or loved. All of that was provided at the cross. But it’s hard to be a child and have no control over things. And even into my early adulthood I was searching. People are visible and tangible. God isn’t

I have a vision and a huge future. For the past few years I have struggled with what to do after God moves me into what I see. Some of those people who hurt and betrayed me may put their hands out. Then again some may be too ashamed or embarrassed to put their hands out.

My flesh wants to be rude. My flesh wants to keep them in the past and continue the separation. My flesh wants to ask where they were when I needed and wanted them.

My heart wants to just love them because I found something in them to love in the first place. They provided something to me that was beneficial whether pleasant or painful.

My spirit says to guard my heart. My spirit says to be a good steward. My spirit is torn between my heart and flesh. I don’t have the answer right now. And to be honest I don’t need the answer right now.

God is a very present help in the time of trouble. And whether it is biblical or not, he is an on time God. I’m sure he will lead me and guide me into all truth. I just want to be pleasing in what I say and do.

To me forgiveness isn’t forgetting. If I forget I am susceptible to the same prior behavior. But forgiveness requires me to let animosity and bitterness go. I can honestly say if anybody who ever hurt me needed me I would be there. But I don’t desire a relationship.

I feel like if I wasn’t good enough, if my heart wasn’t good enough when I had next to nothing it shouldn’t be good enough when I walk into the wealthy place God has called, predestined, ordained,  prepared,  and created for me.

I have worked so hard and will continue working hard. I want to be surrounded by people who were willing to stay and truly assist me on my way. Not people who dismissed me.  I dunno. I’m rambling. I know his grace will be sufficient. I’m just going to trust him and know that all things work together for good.

Love

So I was going to write like three different blogs based off of the last one. I’m not in a mood or that frame of mind anymore. However, I’m sure some of what was going to be in there will make its way into this blog.

I think I’ve talked about love before. I may repeat so bear with me. I think I felt loved as a kid. At some point after ten I don’t think I felt loved.

The cool thing has seemingly always been being in a relationship. I had my first kiss in a Bally’s daycare playing house at like five. I had a boyfriend off and on until ten. My mom championed the cause of the last boyfriend around ten.

When I moved I eventually ended up with a boyfriend. I just wanted what everybody else had. And I’m sure I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. He was a typical kid but it was hard to deal with his behavior and everything else going on in life.

After we broke up I vowed to God freshman year of high school that I didn’t need a boyfriend until he wanted to give me one eve. If that was after school. Foolish little girl.

I ended up obsessing over several guys, before my next boyfriend, before I finished school. I wanted to be loved. I wanted what the other kiddies had.

I was so foolish that I told some work friends, some with the same beliefs but not living it and others with different beliefs not living them either, that I wanted a boyfriend for my 20th birthday. Can you say mistake?

I always said I would give my virginity to my husband. I remember being at the dinner table as a teenager being adamant, even after they warned me about what I would and wouldn’t do, that I would give it to my husband. In my quest for love and being like others I made a foolish choice. Not only did I give my gift away, I didn’t do it safely. And I’ll be honest, I’m a tad nervous to find out if there are lingering consequences. I will find out before the one finds me, if I’m even supposed to be found.

I put my life in danger in more ways than one. Supposedly this dude was a triplet. I never saw all three. I think somebody I know saw them. I’m not sure. I do know that somebody was chasing my car through the streets. I do know that I was dumb enough to go wait at Walmart til he called me after the police left and went back to where he was.

Depseration will cause you to things you never said you would, never thought you would. Like, in addition ti the ither foolishness, spend money on a no good dude who couldnt answrr thr phone and was nowhere to be found. I fully believe my life would be far different had I not heeded a warning from God.

So I went to church urch one Sunday. I actually invited him. He said he would go. Of course he didn’t answer the phone. I went without him. The pastor called me out. She said something along the lines of “Karlissa. God says you are stinking and you’re dirty.”

Mind you she was like another mother. She usually knew all my business. But I was too embarrassed and ashamed. I knew what she was talking about. Though I didn’t want to stop, sin is nice especially when it was something God created to be and feel good, I told him we had to. And, thankfully, when i wanted to be weak he refused.

Of course there was no point in us being together after that. I haven’t seen or heard from him. Nor have I fallen on the seven years since. God CAN keep you if you want to be kept. 

I’m grateful for God’s love and his warning. I beleive if I would have kept on I would have had his kid and maybe ended up in jail. Worse, I may have caught something. Again, i am currently willfully ignorant.

God reminds me and shows me of his love for me. His love was demonstrated on the cross when he sent Jesus to die for my sins in my place. He showed me my woth and sent people to tell me. He sent me home where could heal and eventually be loved unconditionally.

I will forever be grateful to my grandmother and aunt for giving me what I needed at a critical point in my life. I will forever be grateful for those, past and present, who helped me and loved me along the way. There are some true Christians in “the church.”

Bloody 3-30-13

This is a post from last year. Perfect timing. I read it again. I still stand by it (with slight corrections). LOL. Share the work at Calvary with somebody this week. Give some love, give some mercy, give some grace, give some forgiveness, give some sacrifice, give some friendship, give some of you.

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I am in awe.  It is kind of hard to think about the sacrifice that we are commemorating this week.  I mean, come on, who would die so others could live?  Others that would betray, curse, disown, disrespect, revile?  Yeah, sure, we say we would die for people we love who love us back.  But how many of us would actually die for someone we loved who hated us or hated what we stood for?

I could never imagine being born to die.  Not only born to die, but living a life having to work with the thing I know is going to be used to take me out of here.  I will never forget the *Resurrection Sunday* sermon I heard years ago in high school.  Jesus was raised by a man who taught him about carpentry.  Imagine knowing you were going to give your life up on a tree and having to listen to, look at the manipulation of trees for a huge portion of your life.

Imagine loving people, wanted to help people, showing people, teaching people, ministering to people, giving all of who you are to people who don’t even recognize who you are.  Who don’t even appreciate who you are.  Imagine knowing that it is a necessity that you must die but at the same time the concept of the pain and shame causes you to sweat blood.  Imagine having to be separate from who you are, divine, sinless, and your Father, for something you didn’t do and people who may never accept or know you.  Imagine the worst thing, worst feeling in the world, something you hate, would hate and having to take that on and confront it all because you love a thankless people.

Imagine spending your life in the same house for decades, everybody knows you and knows your family.  You went on vacation with these people, you went to church with these people.  Some of these people were your best friends.  You spent almost every moment, good and bad, with them, giving to them far more than they could ever give you.  They want what you’re giving, miracles, signs, and wonders.  They appreciate you.  They worship you.  They allow you a parade.  They think you are the best thing ever on Sunday.

Then comes the week.  One of your friends sells you for 30 pieces of money and gives you away with a kiss on your cheek.  Others fall victim to the mind games of weak men, who desire worldly power and fear what men who have no belief in the God you are, and want you to die, yet it was a totally different story Sunday.  One of your best friends, the one who so perfectly conceptualized who you are, the one who knows you on a level that few do, promises to go with you to death, even cuts a man’s ear off, and is too ashamed to follow through with his promise.

Then comes The Day.  You have to watch the woman who birthed you, cared for you, loved you, watch you die, not for anything you’ve done, but for what everybody else has and will do.  People who were eager to eat the food, drink the wine, benefit from the miracles, join in in making fun of you, encourage those encouraging you to “show yourself” and abort the mission.  You suffer for hours, bleeding, baking in the hot sun, a human sacrifice to atone for all the sins of mankind. Finally, you surrender to what is coming next and give up your life.

Now you have to go to enemy territory.  Someone who you created, who worshipped you then turned on you, who desires to take everything from you for no real reason at all.  You have to live in torment to provide a way of escape for all who believe in you, and accept the gift of you.  Surreal to be subject to the complete antithesis of you and what you are.

Now, you have taken victory over the death and the grave and it is time to go home.  Not the place you knew as a man for 33 1/2 years, but from the beginning of time.  But imagine those same friends, grieving and crying.  One still doesn’t believe, though all of what you said would happen has happened, they have seen all of what you have done.  Before you can even go back to your father, a safe place full of love and peace, you have to rescue the best friend who has abandoned all you worked for together.  You have to show yourself to the doubter.  You have to give them instructions they don’t understand, a promise to wait for something they have never seen or felt.

What a life, what a week, what a gift, what a sacrifice, what a savior.  What LOVE.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you for your life.  Thank you for giving me life, and a hope, and a future.