Tag Archives: forgiveness

Honestly…..

I feel like, on and off, for at least 20 of my 35 years seven months and 11 days of life, I have dealt with depression. It’s hard to live life with positivity when you feel like your mother doesn’t like you, your father chooses his wife over you, etc. with family and friends.

That’s a big reason why I rock so tough with Jesus. I was introduced to him at an early age. When I had no one else in the middle of the night, I had him.

Life is just lonely when you don’t want to do the heavy lifiting in relationships. It’s either do all the work and be slightly annoyed but have time after chasing people down. Or just mind your business and do you solo dolo.

I have cycles. I accept that it is out of sight out of mind. Then I miss my people and reach out to them. We engage. Then they say I’m gonna call you. I’m gonna text you. We make plans. Blah, blah, blah. And then it’s crickets.

I reached out to several of my people this week. Some I hadn’t talked to since last summer. I called a couple out on the absence. Everyone had excuses. Most said we would talk later. I haven’t heard a word since the other day.

I lost it. Like lost it lost it. I dang near cried that night. I just told God I didn’t want to live. Like my life is hard. It kinfa sucks. It doesn’t look like anything I pictured.

And mind you, two of these people are my older cousins, one I’ve known since ’99, one since ’01, one since ’01 or ’02, and one since ’05 or ’06. DECADES.

I’ve been hurt by my cousins. Typical stuff. Fell out with ’01 and didn’t speak. Lost touch, lowkey got into it, and had our mothers’ interference with ’99. But, I let go and forgave it all. Because I LOVE love them.

The only one I’m geographically close to is ’99. So phone and text is really all we got. These ninjas can’t respond to a call or text. Or call back or text. Or don’t do the follow up. Just straight ignore me. It’s rare that they initiate contact. Truly out of sight and out of mind.

It hurts to be an afterthought or insignificant to people who claim to care and love you. I just didn’t want to deal with the difficulty of the loneliness.

I told Jesus I wanted to be done. Then I apologized. Natch. Of course. Obvi. Like. He chose me and loves me and how dare I want to waste and squander his investment?

But I was still mad pissed off when I woke up Thursday morning. I def cried. I called my aunt and had the vent session of all sessions. Then I turned on some Gospel music and went to work.

At some point this week I said I need new friends. I met three dope humans this week. I had instant connections with two Thursday. At the AT&T store. Third started regular Tuesday but took off QUICKLY Thursday. LIke texting most of the day and two separate convos that totaled four hours.

I saved this as a draft then went to do some stuff to start my day. I gotta shout out the great ppl in my life!

My aunt I vented to is one of my BEST friends and favorite humans. I love her so. I can’t wait til we have time in a few weeks to meet up. I realized the other day that I haven’t seen her since January of 2021. That’s toooooooo long.

My guy. I met him in ’99 in middle school. We don’t talk all the time but he is one if the most consistent ppl. We need to talk more. I made it to college during most of my sophomore year because of him. He’s never said it, but, he probably regrets helping me get my fist job at his job. I was a mess at first. Lol.

My adopted big sister. I get to be a baby sis and I take advantage. I KNOW I tap dance on her nerves. We been at this since ’08. And made it through a quiet time when I was fed up w folks. We didn’t talk for at least a year. I’m sure it was longer. But we stuck FA life.

And chiiiii. My younger sister. You know how they say siblings are your first best friend? Maybe up until when we were like two and four. The dynamic in our household played a part. We were NOT friends growing up. I bear responsibility for some of it. We have fought. Verbally and physically. The last physical fight was, I’m ashamed to admit, January ’21. In front of her, at the time, seven year old. At the big ages of 34 and 32. Clothes were destroyed. Jewelry was destroyed. I’m amazed by where we are. Cuz we didn’t even talk for months after that. But God is gracious. Whew. Grace is what our middle name Ann means. God gave us some and I feel like we have given each other far more. I truly, after some ups and downs the first time I thought I was there, consider her not just my sister but my friend.

If anybody ever questions the existence of God and why I would choose to have a relationship with Him, it’s the little stuff like this. I’d never kill myself because I feel like suicide is murder and I don’t know that I could repent before I completed it because I’d be dead. I just feel defeated and hopeless. But, as I’ve done over the course of my depression, I take it to Him and it gets better.

If you feel like me, I dare you to find a Bible. Holla atcha girl (karlissa.ann@yahoo.com) if you need to talk. We all we got.

Okay so I DEF forgot about someone. She’s like an aunt and big sister all rolled into one. She listens to my foolishness, questions me, laughs at me, corrects me, and most recently called me silly because of what I said via text. UNTIL I explained it on the phone. Lol. We think so much alike that at times it throws me when sis be on a totally different page. I admire her soooooo much and am so grateful to have her for an example. Even if she stays super busy being the awesome human she is to the ppl in her life. I can count on her to make time despite the many balls she juggles.

Magic

Hate to break it to us…the change of the year isn’t some magic spell.

I’ve said I was ready for the new year, throw 2020 away. It’s been team too much.

What I’ve come to realize and understand about this year is so simply profound.

Some of us lost some stuff to grow. Some of us won some stuff to grow.

Regardless, the mere fact that we have made it through 2020 en route to 2021 is a miraculous blessing in and of itself.

Of all the things I’ve learned, the one I think matters most is this: miracles aren’t always big, huge, events.

The scale moving in the right direction was a miracle.

Keeping my mouth closed when I wouldn’t have before is a miracle.

Letting people go was a miracle.

Apologizing and welcoming people back was a miracle.

Forgiving was a miracle.

Moving forward in immense pain under stress was a miracle.

So, no, no magic in less than 12 hours. But another opportunity for another miracle.

Why? Did you text me today?

I sent those sentences as two separate texts to someone today.

I was in a whole situationship with this person for a few weeks the past couple months.

It was bananas. It went super fast and ended faster. I knew trouble was brewing three days in.

I learned some stuff-good and bad about myself. It honestly made me better.

I asked for closure that never came.

So, color me surprised to receive a text three weeks and four days later that said good morning.

A plethora of things ran through my mind and out of my mouth.

But, like I told my friend, I had my good Holy Ghost on.

I have learned to think and be calculated, not in a sinister way, in my responses to people.

Cuz everything one wants to say isn’t the best thing to say.

I’m trying to represent Christ well. Especially to this person.

True, to my feelings, emotions, and people who love me, he doesn’t deserve it.

But, like I asked my friend, did I deserve grace, new mercies today?

I told her it is a mutually beneficial situation, not from him though. I am storing up treasure in heaven. I am setting up some good reaping. Maybe it’s diminished some by talking about it. I dunno.

I told her vengeance is the Lord’s and he will repay. I told her about what Jesus said, blessed are ye when…

I just want this person to be okay. I want this person to be won to Christ. They were raised basically the same way as me. They endured some things. They chose a different way than me. I was fine with it. There were some other things, maybe related to the different way they chose, that were not fine with me. They didn’t make it difficult to walk.

Despite the poor treatment and ill feelings, I left the door open. I don’t know if they realize what kind of door is open. I don’t think they realize how crazy it is for them to act like nothing happened after what they did. My friend said she may need the Holy Ghost again cuz I’m more patient than her. She wants me to just leave him alone.

My feelings say leave him alone. My hurt says block him again. But my heart says he may just need something I have. I forgave him.

These feelings, this flesh, has me torn. I don’t wanna be a doormat or get played like I was. I don’t believe Christians should be martyrs and just take whatever from whoever. There’s just something inside of me, I hesitate to say God cuz I don’t wanna put anything on Him that isn’t Him, telling me to show him the love of God.

I told my friend I wish people would have been patient with me when I was in a similar state. I wish people would have been there for me or given me the benefit of the doubt. I’m, hard as it may be though I’ve continued praying for him, gonna tread lightly and respond when he chooses to reachout.

I’m just not getting back into a situationship. I refuse to go down that path. Fool me once, okay multiple times but all back to back, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I ain’t here for the shame. Lol.

Bitter Forgiveness

That is all this really is about today. I’ve been hurt  countless times by countless people because I relied on them to provide things for me.

My life sucked. I’ve talked about this. I didn’t feel wanted, accepted, appreciated, or loved. All of that was provided at the cross. But it’s hard to be a child and have no control over things. And even into my early adulthood I was searching. People are visible and tangible. God isn’t

I have a vision and a huge future. For the past few years I have struggled with what to do after God moves me into what I see. Some of those people who hurt and betrayed me may put their hands out. Then again some may be too ashamed or embarrassed to put their hands out.

My flesh wants to be rude. My flesh wants to keep them in the past and continue the separation. My flesh wants to ask where they were when I needed and wanted them.

My heart wants to just love them because I found something in them to love in the first place. They provided something to me that was beneficial whether pleasant or painful.

My spirit says to guard my heart. My spirit says to be a good steward. My spirit is torn between my heart and flesh. I don’t have the answer right now. And to be honest I don’t need the answer right now.

God is a very present help in the time of trouble. And whether it is biblical or not, he is an on time God. I’m sure he will lead me and guide me into all truth. I just want to be pleasing in what I say and do.

To me forgiveness isn’t forgetting. If I forget I am susceptible to the same prior behavior. But forgiveness requires me to let animosity and bitterness go. I can honestly say if anybody who ever hurt me needed me I would be there. But I don’t desire a relationship.

I feel like if I wasn’t good enough, if my heart wasn’t good enough when I had next to nothing it shouldn’t be good enough when I walk into the wealthy place God has called, predestined, ordained,  prepared,  and created for me.

I have worked so hard and will continue working hard. I want to be surrounded by people who were willing to stay and truly assist me on my way. Not people who dismissed me.  I dunno. I’m rambling. I know his grace will be sufficient. I’m just going to trust him and know that all things work together for good.

Love

So I was going to write like three different blogs based off of the last one. I’m not in a mood or that frame of mind anymore. However, I’m sure some of what was going to be in there will make its way into this blog.

I think I’ve talked about love before. I may repeat so bear with me. I think I felt loved as a kid. At some point after ten I don’t think I felt loved.

The cool thing has seemingly always been being in a relationship. I had my first kiss in a Bally’s daycare playing house at like five. I had a boyfriend off and on until ten. My mom championed the cause of the last boyfriend around ten.

When I moved I eventually ended up with a boyfriend. I just wanted what everybody else had. And I’m sure I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. He was a typical kid but it was hard to deal with his behavior and everything else going on in life.

After we broke up I vowed to God freshman year of high school that I didn’t need a boyfriend until he wanted to give me one eve. If that was after school. Foolish little girl.

I ended up obsessing over several guys, before my next boyfriend, before I finished school. I wanted to be loved. I wanted what the other kiddies had.

I was so foolish that I told some work friends, some with the same beliefs but not living it and others with different beliefs not living them either, that I wanted a boyfriend for my 20th birthday. Can you say mistake?

I always said I would give my virginity to my husband. I remember being at the dinner table as a teenager being adamant, even after they warned me about what I would and wouldn’t do, that I would give it to my husband. In my quest for love and being like others I made a foolish choice. Not only did I give my gift away, I didn’t do it safely. And I’ll be honest, I’m a tad nervous to find out if there are lingering consequences. I will find out before the one finds me, if I’m even supposed to be found.

I put my life in danger in more ways than one. Supposedly this dude was a triplet. I never saw all three. I think somebody I know saw them. I’m not sure. I do know that somebody was chasing my car through the streets. I do know that I was dumb enough to go wait at Walmart til he called me after the police left and went back to where he was.

Depseration will cause you to things you never said you would, never thought you would. Like, in addition ti the ither foolishness, spend money on a no good dude who couldnt answrr thr phone and was nowhere to be found. I fully believe my life would be far different had I not heeded a warning from God.

So I went to church urch one Sunday. I actually invited him. He said he would go. Of course he didn’t answer the phone. I went without him. The pastor called me out. She said something along the lines of “Karlissa. God says you are stinking and you’re dirty.”

Mind you she was like another mother. She usually knew all my business. But I was too embarrassed and ashamed. I knew what she was talking about. Though I didn’t want to stop, sin is nice especially when it was something God created to be and feel good, I told him we had to. And, thankfully, when i wanted to be weak he refused.

Of course there was no point in us being together after that. I haven’t seen or heard from him. Nor have I fallen on the seven years since. God CAN keep you if you want to be kept. 

I’m grateful for God’s love and his warning. I beleive if I would have kept on I would have had his kid and maybe ended up in jail. Worse, I may have caught something. Again, i am currently willfully ignorant.

God reminds me and shows me of his love for me. His love was demonstrated on the cross when he sent Jesus to die for my sins in my place. He showed me my woth and sent people to tell me. He sent me home where could heal and eventually be loved unconditionally.

I will forever be grateful to my grandmother and aunt for giving me what I needed at a critical point in my life. I will forever be grateful for those, past and present, who helped me and loved me along the way. There are some true Christians in “the church.”