Tag Archives: fear

Wind and Waves

Life isn’t all sunshine and roses despite the beautiful locale and awesome revelation.

I have two specific situations that I am not a fan of. I really wanna give the assignments back to God.

I told Him as much. My relationship with God is truly like some I have with his humans.

I tell him everything. Especially when what’s going on, and at times Him specifically, if I’m honest, is getting on my nerves.

People say He can’t heal what we don’t reveal. I give Him all of it. He already knows. But, He wants me to tell Him and give it to Him.

I’ve run away from one of the situations before. Honestly, if I try and it doesn’t get better, I chuck the deuces. I tried to run away from the other situation after basically being left holding the bag alone.

However, for reasons known and unknown, there’s more for me and those involved in these situations.

The disciples found themselves in at least two storms with Jesus.

He was asleep during one storm (Mark 4:38-40). Jesus questioned their fear because he was on the boat.

In the other storm, the disciples didn’t recognize him at first (Matthew 14:25-32). Then Peter, ever the brave, outspoken, slightly reckless disciple, was the only one willing to engage in the miracle and get out of the boat.

But, he got distracted by the storm. Jesus chastised his doubt. The wind and waves calmed as soon as they got on the boat.

The thing to note is that Jesus was there. He allowed them to experience the wind and waves. Then, he showed them that as long as he is present he has the power to help them through.

He quieted the wind and waves after he awoke from his sleep. He saved Peter after he called to Jesus while he was sinking.

My situations are slightly overwhelming to my feelings, emotions, and carefully cultivated peace.

I’m not a fan of the disruption, wind, and waves they are bringing currently and forecasted for the future. I know the forecast because I know what I have to do. Again, not a fan.

I’m in the boat with Paul-I’d love for Him to remove the thorn. But, now as then, His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I would love for this cup to pass like Jesus requested before his death (Matthew 26:39). But, my refrain is the same. His will not mine. Ugh.

I know one thing for sure and two things for certain. He is with me. I will make it through. And He will get the glory.

After all, wind and waves are mechanisms to propel boats forward to their destinations. There is just some wind and some waves that are more preferable than others. I would definitely prefer some different ones.

Alas, all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). He has plans to prosper me (Jeremiah 29:11). I can do all things because he strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I won’t drown (Isaiah 43:2).

*edit* it is JUST like God ro allow a storm today…

Fear of Failure

“What if I don’t get into law school? What if I don’t pass the bar?”

I vividly remember uttering those words as a 16 or 17 year old child half my life ago. As far back as the 7th grade, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer.

I don’t think it’s because my dad is one. He never practiced full time. I just felt, and feel, it suits my personality. Also, depending on the field of choice, lawyers have the ability to help and bring about change.

It took me a while and some detours, but I made it to and through law school this time last year.

I said I couldn’t take the bar in February because that was too close to my finishing school. I was going to take it in July but I said I didn’t feel like I was retaining the information.

I signed up to take it this February. But I’ve been flirting with not taking it or only taking it once and reevaluating my goals if I fail.

When I talk about taking the bar my response has been if I pass.

But here’s the thing. As a Christian, this is in direct conflict with one of the main pillars of my belief system. Faith is a requirement to walk out this relationship thing with Jesus.

Faith has gotten me here. I had to have faith after being rejected, wait-listed, and accepted with no money to makr the choice to apply for the 4th time two years later.

I had to have faith after I was a horrible student and received a letter stating that I was in jeopardy of being dismissed from school based on my GPA.

Yet, I think that teenager still lives on the inside. I never really struggled until college. And that was minute compared to law school. The bar is a beast that is entirely different from anything I have ever done.

But all these faith scriptures pop up in my head. Not to mention, my coworker question if being a lawyer was my passion versus my plan yesterday.

I believe it’s the tool to walk out my passion. I’m gonna evaluate that. But I am going to take the bar in February.

And who knows. Maybe the issue isn’t fear so much as not wanting to have to pay aaaaaaaaaaall the money it costs to take it again.

This was my Facebook on this day yesterday: failure is merely [a]n opportunity for another chance to do something better the next time. I don’t think I should embrace this in this instance.

I don’t want to fail. I’m going to push this fear as far back as I can. And set myself up to succeed.

Brown Baby

Just looked at my nephew’s picture
Happy, smiling brown baby
He’s six months old
Even though he’s not mine
I’m excited to see him grow
I’ve thought about his future
Our future
He’s already amazing
I know I’m biased
But he’s so intelligent
Right now I’m worried
His name is Jeremiah Kaleb
But how will his story end
Will he be Oscar Grant
Killed at a transportation station
Will he be Trayvon Martin
Killed because he wore a hoodie while walking through a neighborhood
Will he be Jordan Russell Davis
Killed because his music was too loud
Will he be Kendrick Johnson
Harased then found dead, rolled up in a gym mat
Will he be Michael Brown
Killed without a weapon then slandered to cover for the cop
His life matters
Their lives mattered
No matter his intelligence or education
There is a fear
There is a threat
Simply because his skin contains more melanin
He has to walk with his head held down
His mouth closed
Subservient to a massa
Though slavery is over, the fight for civil rights ended
Because President Obama
Sits in the seat
Some say we have overcome
What really has been won
Post racial America is a fairytale
You don’t believe it
Ask Oscar, Trayvon, Jordan, Kendrick, and Michael’s families
Ask those families we don’t know about
Ask those frisked and profiled
Dr. King had a dream
Some say it was fulfilled on November 4, 2008
I think he’s still dreaming

What Do You Do?

I posed some questions on twitter earlier today. What do you do when the answer is no? What do you do when the answer is wait? What do you do when u see the vision but are clueless about the provision? What do you do when there is silence? What do you do when the storm is too loud? What do you do?

Now, I know I fast.  And I know I pray.  And I know I stand.  Because that is what the Bible says.  But we live in a microwave society.  We have flesh that is constantly warring with the spirit.  We have a past that threatens to dictate our future.  I am walking into seemingly familiar territory.  I just walked out of familiar territory.  I feel like I failed.  I feel like I didn’t apply the lesson.  I don’t want to be insane. I don’t want to do the same thing and expect a different result.  I don’t want to mess up what’s coming.  I simply don’t trust myself.

And the moral of the story, simplistically, is to trust God.  To give it over to God. Because he can handle it.  I’m going to do that.  But I’m also going to work my faith.  I’m going to shut up.  I’m going to shut people up.  This is too important, too crucial, too critical.  I’d like to not wander in this wilderness anymore.  I think I have learned something and taken something valuable away when I’ve been here before.  But I’m trying to learn more.  I’m trying to take more away.  I am trying to slay this giant.  Stay tuned…

Declaration

It’s been a minute.  I was busy with life.  And it has been a trip.  I have decided to authentically, uniquely, without question, and without apology be who God has created me to be.  It is absolutely and completely difficult to attempt to live for God and man.  It is stressful and devoid fulfillment.  I can’t be afraid of people.  I can’t be afraid to be alone.  I can’t care.  And I can’t forget.  There is no time to waste on and with people who do not understand nor know how to handle who and what I am.  As long as God’s got my back all else is irrelevant and unimportant.  I really mean it this time.