“What if I don’t get into law school? What if I don’t pass the bar?”
I vividly remember uttering those words as a 16 or 17 year old child half my life ago. As far back as the 7th grade, I knew I wanted to be a lawyer.
I don’t think it’s because my dad is one. He never practiced full time. I just felt, and feel, it suits my personality. Also, depending on the field of choice, lawyers have the ability to help and bring about change.
It took me a while and some detours, but I made it to and through law school this time last year.
I said I couldn’t take the bar in February because that was too close to my finishing school. I was going to take it in July but I said I didn’t feel like I was retaining the information.
I signed up to take it this February. But I’ve been flirting with not taking it or only taking it once and reevaluating my goals if I fail.
When I talk about taking the bar my response has been if I pass.
But here’s the thing. As a Christian, this is in direct conflict with one of the main pillars of my belief system. Faith is a requirement to walk out this relationship thing with Jesus.
Faith has gotten me here. I had to have faith after being rejected, wait-listed, and accepted with no money to makr the choice to apply for the 4th time two years later.
I had to have faith after I was a horrible student and received a letter stating that I was in jeopardy of being dismissed from school based on my GPA.
Yet, I think that teenager still lives on the inside. I never really struggled until college. And that was minute compared to law school. The bar is a beast that is entirely different from anything I have ever done.
But all these faith scriptures pop up in my head. Not to mention, my coworker question if being a lawyer was my passion versus my plan yesterday.
I believe it’s the tool to walk out my passion. I’m gonna evaluate that. But I am going to take the bar in February.
And who knows. Maybe the issue isn’t fear so much as not wanting to have to pay aaaaaaaaaaall the money it costs to take it again.
This was my Facebook on this day yesterday: failure is merely [a]n opportunity for another chance to do something better the next time. I don’t think I should embrace this in this instance.
I don’t want to fail. I’m going to push this fear as far back as I can. And set myself up to succeed.
This may be my shortest blog ever. Be careful what you ask God for. If you don’t believe in Him, you should check Him out, be careful what you wish for. Why? Because once you get it you may end up rethinking that request. I try to live without regrets. I’m trying to trust Him. But this valley, this wilderness is making it hard for me not to regret. It’s hard to keep the benefits at the forefront because the detriment seemingly exceeds. I know when it’s over I’ll appreciate how much better it made me. But in the meantime and in-between time…
I posed some questions on twitter earlier today. What do you do when the answer is no? What do you do when the answer is wait? What do you do when u see the vision but are clueless about the provision? What do you do when there is silence? What do you do when the storm is too loud? What do you do?
Now, I know I fast. And I know I pray. And I know I stand. Because that is what the Bible says. But we live in a microwave society. We have flesh that is constantly warring with the spirit. We have a past that threatens to dictate our future. I am walking into seemingly familiar territory. I just walked out of familiar territory. I feel like I failed. I feel like I didn’t apply the lesson. I don’t want to be insane. I don’t want to do the same thing and expect a different result. I don’t want to mess up what’s coming. I simply don’t trust myself.
And the moral of the story, simplistically, is to trust God. To give it over to God. Because he can handle it. I’m going to do that. But I’m also going to work my faith. I’m going to shut up. I’m going to shut people up. This is too important, too crucial, too critical. I’d like to not wander in this wilderness anymore. I think I have learned something and taken something valuable away when I’ve been here before. But I’m trying to learn more. I’m trying to take more away. I am trying to slay this giant. Stay tuned…