Tag Archives: emotions

Clean or Nah

First off. These are huge. Second. There are pictures of dirt and trash. Look away if you want. It will make sense in the end.

I was at someone’s home who has a dog. But the dog gets sick if it eats random crap. In order to let the dog be free and not get fussed at for eating stuff, I decided to vacuum the floor where the dog is allowed to roam.

As I vacuumed, it seemed like it wasn’t picking up what I was vacuuming. As you can see below, the tank looked empty. I was confused. So, I took it off and looked inside. All of that clumped stuff in the middle was in the hole on the vacuum and in the part that connects one of the hoses.

Since I cleaned the vacuum, I decided to just sweep up what was left after picking up the clumps. No need in dirtying up what I had JUST cleaned with the same dirt.

I put the vacuum back together and swept the carpet. I took the vacuum apart again and this is what I saw.

Now at first, I thought maybe I had missed all of that in the tank. But when I looked at the pictures again, I didn’t think that was the case. I think that is a bunch of dog hair.

That is what the filter looked like. I had a bag less vacuum and when it got dirty I washed off the filter. I decided to do that this time too.

I think I failed to upload a pic. Ion care. I’m not going to. Just know, it looked better when I applied water before applying any soap. This pic is after water and soap.

I told the person I washed it and they questioned me since it was going to get dirty again. They said they never thought to clean it. I let them know that I had before and at least it would be clean.

I have had several thoughts and lessons flit, come through my mind while typing this and intially forever ago when I created the post.

First of all. We may look clean but there is a whole lot of mess and stuff in us. If we don’t clean it out we will not work properly. Huh. Sounds similar to what I just wrote in Still There. This was a draft before that. I guess I had the same thought again though since it got published first.

Second. If there is more than one way to do something, and you have made progress with one way, why not try it another way? Aaaaaand. If you have cleaned up one area, don’t just mess it up again because it is easy to do what you have done.

I could have just vacuumed up the leftover dirt from pulling the packed dirt out. But why? A broom and dust pan is just as effective. I didn’t just do what was easy or what I had done and plug it back in and vacuum it back up.

Third. If we do use the same methods, go the same way, we may just have to clean again. But in a different way. Some different issue or consequence will arise. We don’t necessarily reap the way we sow or reap the same way we have reaped before (Galatians 6:7-8). I used the same vacuum on a different surface in a different area. I thought I missed the dirt. But, upon further inspection, it was different dirt in a different area of the vacuum.

Fourth and finally, just because all looked well and clean, that was NOT the case. In the pic of the trash can, it appears that the filter may just be dirty from the way I dumped the tank. However, upon further inspection when I flipped it, it was FILTHY. It was hidden.

What are we hiding? What have we cleaned some, cleaned one way, given to God some, given to Him one way but left dirty, held on to? He knows it ALL. Just give it ALL to Him. He wants it. He can handle it. Let Him be God! Let Him give us what He has promised us!

Galatians 6:9 (KJV) promises us good news: let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

I did not give up. I kept looking and made sure I found all of the dirt. I didn’t wash or wipe the whole thing. Just the filter. But my diligence, persistence, the fact that I kept going, ensured that the vacuum was cleaner and capable of functioning properly. Unlike the condition I found it.

Fooling with the vacuum wasn’t that hard. Examining myself sometimes is. I don’t always wanna act right. I don’t always wanna say the right thing. I just wanna be in my lil fleshly feelings. I mess up.

However, I am doing the hard work of trying to emulate, be like my friend, my brother, my lord, my savior, my Jesus. It has not been easy. It has hurt. It has been confusing. Like why that thang was dirty but I saw nothing.

But guess what? I see change. I see growth. I am obtaining the fruit of the spirit. I am hearing from God and getting alla this revelation in ways I wasn’t before.

I am cleaning my life, my relationships, my emotions, my mind, what I consume (entertainment, food, and conversation). I am making room and space for my relationship with Jesus.

Like I said the other day, it looks a mess on the outside. But, to me, this is the best life I have lived thus far. I’m content in the state I find myself in (Philippians 4:11).

Wind and Waves

Life isn’t all sunshine and roses despite the beautiful locale and awesome revelation.

I have two specific situations that I am not a fan of. I really wanna give the assignments back to God.

I told Him as much. My relationship with God is truly like some I have with his humans.

I tell him everything. Especially when what’s going on, and at times Him specifically, if I’m honest, is getting on my nerves.

People say He can’t heal what we don’t reveal. I give Him all of it. He already knows. But, He wants me to tell Him and give it to Him.

I’ve run away from one of the situations before. Honestly, if I try and it doesn’t get better, I chuck the deuces. I tried to run away from the other situation after basically being left holding the bag alone.

However, for reasons known and unknown, there’s more for me and those involved in these situations.

The disciples found themselves in at least two storms with Jesus.

He was asleep during one storm (Mark 4:38-40). Jesus questioned their fear because he was on the boat.

In the other storm, the disciples didn’t recognize him at first (Matthew 14:25-32). Then Peter, ever the brave, outspoken, slightly reckless disciple, was the only one willing to engage in the miracle and get out of the boat.

But, he got distracted by the storm. Jesus chastised his doubt. The wind and waves calmed as soon as they got on the boat.

The thing to note is that Jesus was there. He allowed them to experience the wind and waves. Then, he showed them that as long as he is present he has the power to help them through.

He quieted the wind and waves after he awoke from his sleep. He saved Peter after he called to Jesus while he was sinking.

My situations are slightly overwhelming to my feelings, emotions, and carefully cultivated peace.

I’m not a fan of the disruption, wind, and waves they are bringing currently and forecasted for the future. I know the forecast because I know what I have to do. Again, not a fan.

I’m in the boat with Paul-I’d love for Him to remove the thorn. But, now as then, His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I would love for this cup to pass like Jesus requested before his death (Matthew 26:39). But, my refrain is the same. His will not mine. Ugh.

I know one thing for sure and two things for certain. He is with me. I will make it through. And He will get the glory.

After all, wind and waves are mechanisms to propel boats forward to their destinations. There is just some wind and some waves that are more preferable than others. I would definitely prefer some different ones.

Alas, all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). He has plans to prosper me (Jeremiah 29:11). I can do all things because he strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I won’t drown (Isaiah 43:2).

*edit* it is JUST like God ro allow a storm today…

Why? Did you text me today?

I sent those sentences as two separate texts to someone today.

I was in a whole situationship with this person for a few weeks the past couple months.

It was bananas. It went super fast and ended faster. I knew trouble was brewing three days in.

I learned some stuff-good and bad about myself. It honestly made me better.

I asked for closure that never came.

So, color me surprised to receive a text three weeks and four days later that said good morning.

A plethora of things ran through my mind and out of my mouth.

But, like I told my friend, I had my good Holy Ghost on.

I have learned to think and be calculated, not in a sinister way, in my responses to people.

Cuz everything one wants to say isn’t the best thing to say.

I’m trying to represent Christ well. Especially to this person.

True, to my feelings, emotions, and people who love me, he doesn’t deserve it.

But, like I asked my friend, did I deserve grace, new mercies today?

I told her it is a mutually beneficial situation, not from him though. I am storing up treasure in heaven. I am setting up some good reaping. Maybe it’s diminished some by talking about it. I dunno.

I told her vengeance is the Lord’s and he will repay. I told her about what Jesus said, blessed are ye when…

I just want this person to be okay. I want this person to be won to Christ. They were raised basically the same way as me. They endured some things. They chose a different way than me. I was fine with it. There were some other things, maybe related to the different way they chose, that were not fine with me. They didn’t make it difficult to walk.

Despite the poor treatment and ill feelings, I left the door open. I don’t know if they realize what kind of door is open. I don’t think they realize how crazy it is for them to act like nothing happened after what they did. My friend said she may need the Holy Ghost again cuz I’m more patient than her. She wants me to just leave him alone.

My feelings say leave him alone. My hurt says block him again. But my heart says he may just need something I have. I forgave him.

These feelings, this flesh, has me torn. I don’t wanna be a doormat or get played like I was. I don’t believe Christians should be martyrs and just take whatever from whoever. There’s just something inside of me, I hesitate to say God cuz I don’t wanna put anything on Him that isn’t Him, telling me to show him the love of God.

I told my friend I wish people would have been patient with me when I was in a similar state. I wish people would have been there for me or given me the benefit of the doubt. I’m, hard as it may be though I’ve continued praying for him, gonna tread lightly and respond when he chooses to reachout.

I’m just not getting back into a situationship. I refuse to go down that path. Fool me once, okay multiple times but all back to back, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I ain’t here for the shame. Lol.

Struggle

Ok. So I’m having some people problems. It seems as though folk don’t like me. And to be honest I don’t really care for them either. But I have to put up with them. I can’t get around it.

But I want to avoid them as much as possible. I think I’m giving them too much control. I can’t say anything to them. But I haven’t had the strength to smile when I want to say something or when they have irked me. I haven’t had the strength to pretend.

I’ve had to be okay with being mistreated and disrespected. I’m tired. I spent so much of my life pretending. And I’m tired of pretending. It’s hard when people can say or do whatever with no immediate consequences. It would not be a good look for me to express how I feel. I’ve tried that. They are obstinate and not required to change.

I have to change. And I’m tried of having to make other people comfortable with who I am. I get that I may need to improve. I’m not perfect and necer will be. But when you have a problem with me and I feel like you do the same thing and worse…and when everybody doesn’t have the problem. You and your clique have the problem…and you seem to look for a problem. And I’m not the only one guilty of the same offenses…just the only one you have a problem with.

It’s all part of this war. Some days, like today, I feel like I’m losing. Some days I think I’m imagining the problem and it’s not as bad or really what I think. I honestly think some mind games are going on. I’m going to have to cast down some imaginations and things that are exalting themselves.

What I know for sure is that this is going to make me better and God is going to get the glory. I’m not above wishing that this would hurry up and be over. I’m not above wanting this lesson, test, trial, season, process, attack, whatever it is to just end. I have the victory because Christ overcame so I can overcome. I just don’t feel victorious…