My grandfather has been gone for two years. I don’t think I valued the awesomeness that was him as much as I should have. I allowed our theological differences and his wife to get in the way. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind emotionally, mentally, or spiritually to take the time to understand.
To be honest I was hurt and disappointed by things that were going on in his church and our family. This week some things fell into perspective.
One of the most important things is my gradfather’s inability to care. Now I’m not saying he was this mean evil man walking around. My grandfather was actually very kind in his way. He had a heart for God and His people. But he was stuck in his ways as well. He inherited a belief system that he wholeheartedly accepted and passed on to his family and church.
He believed it and taught it with a dogged determonation. He didnt care if people didnt like it. He didnt care if people didnt want to hear it. He taught his truth. He held people to a standard. He truly refused to take down or get off of the wall.
It was hard to be taught something for the first 10 years of my life only to be told a lot of it was wrong. I questioned him and I challenged him. He never wavered. I didn’t come to truly believe what he did. But out of respect for him as my pastor I did most of what he asked.
When he died I was amazed by all the people who loved him and were touched by him. We didn’t have the greatest
relationship. Through no true fault of my own. I wasn’t going to force myself on his wife. I worried about him and I was sad for him. But I didn’t like feeling unwanted or unwelcome.
I have decided to stand up and walk worthy. I have to embrace the legacy my grandfather left me. I have to be focused and pursue my destiny with the same intensity, determination, and ferocity. I can’t worry about who does and doesn’t like me I can’t worry about who does and doesn’t understand. I can’t worry about who will and won’t go with me.
God always equips us. He won’t ever leave and forsake us. As long as I can hold onto that while enduring persecution I can ensure that the essence of who my grandfather was will live on through me. I am going to do my best and I like to believe that, contrary to our differing beliefs, he would be proud of me.
It’s been a minute. I was busy with life. And it has been a trip. I have decided to authentically, uniquely, without question, and without apology be who God has created me to be. It is absolutely and completely difficult to attempt to live for God and man. It is stressful and devoid fulfillment. I can’t be afraid of people. I can’t be afraid to be alone. I can’t care. And I can’t forget. There is no time to waste on and with people who do not understand nor know how to handle who and what I am. As long as God’s got my back all else is irrelevant and unimportant. I really mean it this time.
I felt like this was just for me when I heard it. Amazing quote.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.