Tag Archives: depressed

Honestly…..

I feel like, on and off, for at least 20 of my 35 years seven months and 11 days of life, I have dealt with depression. It’s hard to live life with positivity when you feel like your mother doesn’t like you, your father chooses his wife over you, etc. with family and friends.

That’s a big reason why I rock so tough with Jesus. I was introduced to him at an early age. When I had no one else in the middle of the night, I had him.

Life is just lonely when you don’t want to do the heavy lifiting in relationships. It’s either do all the work and be slightly annoyed but have time after chasing people down. Or just mind your business and do you solo dolo.

I have cycles. I accept that it is out of sight out of mind. Then I miss my people and reach out to them. We engage. Then they say I’m gonna call you. I’m gonna text you. We make plans. Blah, blah, blah. And then it’s crickets.

I reached out to several of my people this week. Some I hadn’t talked to since last summer. I called a couple out on the absence. Everyone had excuses. Most said we would talk later. I haven’t heard a word since the other day.

I lost it. Like lost it lost it. I dang near cried that night. I just told God I didn’t want to live. Like my life is hard. It kinfa sucks. It doesn’t look like anything I pictured.

And mind you, two of these people are my older cousins, one I’ve known since ’99, one since ’01, one since ’01 or ’02, and one since ’05 or ’06. DECADES.

I’ve been hurt by my cousins. Typical stuff. Fell out with ’01 and didn’t speak. Lost touch, lowkey got into it, and had our mothers’ interference with ’99. But, I let go and forgave it all. Because I LOVE love them.

The only one I’m geographically close to is ’99. So phone and text is really all we got. These ninjas can’t respond to a call or text. Or call back or text. Or don’t do the follow up. Just straight ignore me. It’s rare that they initiate contact. Truly out of sight and out of mind.

It hurts to be an afterthought or insignificant to people who claim to care and love you. I just didn’t want to deal with the difficulty of the loneliness.

I told Jesus I wanted to be done. Then I apologized. Natch. Of course. Obvi. Like. He chose me and loves me and how dare I want to waste and squander his investment?

But I was still mad pissed off when I woke up Thursday morning. I def cried. I called my aunt and had the vent session of all sessions. Then I turned on some Gospel music and went to work.

At some point this week I said I need new friends. I met three dope humans this week. I had instant connections with two Thursday. At the AT&T store. Third started regular Tuesday but took off QUICKLY Thursday. LIke texting most of the day and two separate convos that totaled four hours.

I saved this as a draft then went to do some stuff to start my day. I gotta shout out the great ppl in my life!

My aunt I vented to is one of my BEST friends and favorite humans. I love her so. I can’t wait til we have time in a few weeks to meet up. I realized the other day that I haven’t seen her since January of 2021. That’s toooooooo long.

My guy. I met him in ’99 in middle school. We don’t talk all the time but he is one if the most consistent ppl. We need to talk more. I made it to college during most of my sophomore year because of him. He’s never said it, but, he probably regrets helping me get my fist job at his job. I was a mess at first. Lol.

My adopted big sister. I get to be a baby sis and I take advantage. I KNOW I tap dance on her nerves. We been at this since ’08. And made it through a quiet time when I was fed up w folks. We didn’t talk for at least a year. I’m sure it was longer. But we stuck FA life.

And chiiiii. My younger sister. You know how they say siblings are your first best friend? Maybe up until when we were like two and four. The dynamic in our household played a part. We were NOT friends growing up. I bear responsibility for some of it. We have fought. Verbally and physically. The last physical fight was, I’m ashamed to admit, January ’21. In front of her, at the time, seven year old. At the big ages of 34 and 32. Clothes were destroyed. Jewelry was destroyed. I’m amazed by where we are. Cuz we didn’t even talk for months after that. But God is gracious. Whew. Grace is what our middle name Ann means. God gave us some and I feel like we have given each other far more. I truly, after some ups and downs the first time I thought I was there, consider her not just my sister but my friend.

If anybody ever questions the existence of God and why I would choose to have a relationship with Him, it’s the little stuff like this. I’d never kill myself because I feel like suicide is murder and I don’t know that I could repent before I completed it because I’d be dead. I just feel defeated and hopeless. But, as I’ve done over the course of my depression, I take it to Him and it gets better.

If you feel like me, I dare you to find a Bible. Holla atcha girl (karlissa.ann@yahoo.com) if you need to talk. We all we got.

Okay so I DEF forgot about someone. She’s like an aunt and big sister all rolled into one. She listens to my foolishness, questions me, laughs at me, corrects me, and most recently called me silly because of what I said via text. UNTIL I explained it on the phone. Lol. We think so much alike that at times it throws me when sis be on a totally different page. I admire her soooooo much and am so grateful to have her for an example. Even if she stays super busy being the awesome human she is to the ppl in her life. I can count on her to make time despite the many balls she juggles.

I’m Alive

I’m sitting in God’s beautiful creating in a temp that has dropped to 35. It’s 10 at home. So there’s that…

I’m listening to Rich Tolbert Jr.’s song Alive. Lyrics below.

God knows the plans he has for us, great plans
He controls it all
The reason why we’re alive is because God is in control
Hmm the reason why there’s more, the reason why there’s a next
Is because God is in control, hallelujah, thank you JesusGod knows the plans
He has for me
He knows the thoughts
He thinks toward me
And nothing is an accident
I’m alive, because there’s more
C’mon
God knows the plans
He has for me
He knows the thoughts
He thinks toward me
And nothing is an accident
I’m alive, because there’s more moreI’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
And this is not an accident
I’m alive, because there’s moreGod knows the plans (God knows the plans)
He has for me (he has for me)
He knows the thoughts
He thinks toward me
And nothing is an accident
I’m alive, because there’s moreGod knows the plans (God knows the plans)
He has for me (he has for me)
He knows the thoughts
He thinks toward me
And nothing is an accident
I’m alive, because there’s moreI’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
And this is not an accident
I’m alive, because there’s more
(Sing I’m alive)
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive
And this is not an accident
I’m alive, because there’s moreHe didn’t let me die, let me die
(He didn’t) let me die, let me die
And this is not an accident
I’m alive because there’s moreHe didn’t let me die, let me die
Let me die, let me die
And this is not an accident
I’m alive because there’s moreThis is not the end, not the end
(This is not) the end, not the end
And this is not an accident
I’m alive because there’s moreThere is more, there is more
There is more, there is more
And this is not an accident
I’m alive, because there’s moreAnd I am not an accident
I’m alive, because there’s more
And I am not an accident
I’m alive, because there’s moreI’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s moreI’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more
I’m alive, because there’s more

I know that’s a lot. This song resonates with me.

I’m fairly confident some post on here references this, but there was a time I prayed to die. Life wasn’t worth living to me.

How crazy that I would ask God to destroy His own creation. It was rough. I was depressed and the people around me made me feel worthless, as though nothing about me was good enough.

I’ve also been in multiple car accidents and some near misses.

If left up to me and the enemy, I would be dead.

God said no. There was more.

If the holidays and this 2020 life have you considering ending it all, don’t. I promise it gets better. Try Jesus. Best decision I’ve ever made!