Tag Archives: conviction

Grandfather

My grandfather has been gone for two years. I don’t think I valued the awesomeness that was him as much as I should have. I allowed our theological differences and his wife to get in the way. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind emotionally, mentally, or spiritually to take the time to understand.

To be honest I was hurt and disappointed by things that were going on in his church and our family. This week some things fell into perspective.

One of the most important things is my gradfather’s inability to care. Now I’m not saying he was this mean evil man walking around. My grandfather was actually very kind in his way. He had a heart for God and His people. But he was stuck in his ways as well. He inherited a belief system that he wholeheartedly accepted and passed on to his family and church.

He believed it and taught it with a dogged determonation. He didnt care if people didnt like it.  He didnt care if people didnt want to hear it. He taught his truth. He held people to a standard. He truly refused to take down or get off of the wall.

It was hard to be taught something for the first 10 years of my life only to be told a lot of it was wrong. I questioned him and I challenged him. He never wavered. I didn’t come to truly believe what he did. But out of respect for him as my pastor I did most of what he asked.

When he died I was amazed by all the people who loved him and were touched by him. We didn’t have the greatest
relationship. Through no true fault of my own. I wasn’t going to force myself on his wife. I worried about him and I was sad for him. But I didn’t like feeling unwanted or unwelcome.

I have decided to stand up and walk worthy. I have to embrace the legacy my grandfather left me. I have to be focused and pursue my destiny with the same intensity, determination, and ferocity. I can’t worry about who does and doesn’t like me  I can’t worry about who does and doesn’t understand. I can’t worry about who will and won’t go with me.

God always equips us. He won’t ever leave and forsake us. As long as I can hold onto that while enduring persecution I can ensure that the essence of who my grandfather was will live on through me. I am going to do my best and I like to believe that, contrary to our differing beliefs, he would be proud of me.

Late Night Musings

I had a blog in mind. It’s a draft. It may get written it may not. Oh well. Been dealing with a lot of foolishness this past month. There is one common denominator.

I’m stuck in a situation. I thought I prayed about it. I was slightly pushed into it. I may have reacted to little things too hastily. I definitely wanted to help not just me. But it’s been a point of contention and difficult for me far more than it has been pleasant.

Though life could have robbed me of my heart and kindness, I chose to let go and strive earnestly to be like Christ. My situation isn’t as dire, but it reminds me somewhat of Hosea marrying his unfaithful wife.

I can’t say with certainty this situation was at the leading or in the will of God or even that He told me to do it like He told Hosea. But Hosea’s intentions were honorable like mine. He kept at it.

I’m sure people called him crazy. Nobody’s called me crazy to my face about it. They are concerned and feel bad for me. I’ve had to constantly defend myself. I’ve tried not to “go there” but when you poke a bear…?

This situation will be over in less than a year. I’m going to honor requests that have been made that go against my nature. And I’m going to stick with it even if back peddling occurs.

People teach you how to treat them. I’ve tried to teach how I want to be treated. The lesson isn’t being learned. But I’ll learn the lesson I’m being taught. And I’m gonna try to be angry and not sin. I’m going to try to let the Lord repay the vengeance that’s his.

Jesus was confrontational without being disrespectful. His existence before he even spoke a word confronted the nature of the world as it existed then. And when he opened up his mouth? If I can’t stand firm and hold to my convictions in this space what will happen if a bigger space opens? I won’t be able to handle it.

God equips. It’s up to us to pay attention, learn the lessons, and be prepared to move into where He takes us.