Tag Archives: christ

Sin.

I started this on 12-24-20. I didn’t take the time to look up the Scriptures or edit I until today.

People like to take prominent Christians or Christian organizations to task about their stances om abortion and the LGBTQIA community. If the response isn’t sufficient, the individual or organization is subsequently canceled.

This baffles me slightly. People want respect, acceptance and tolerance for who they are and what they believe but are unable to give the same for others who hold different beliefs.

Those who are against abortion and the LGBTQIA community aren’t much better. Just because those are seemingly visible sins, they have the capacity to, and potentially do, sin. They have tolerance for what they deem “little” sin or their own sin.

Just because something is mentioned in the Bible as an abomination, there is no big sin or little sin. All of it separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2; Ephesians 2:12; Ephesians 4:18).

We don’t even have to “actually” sin to sin. The Bible says to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin. (James 4:17 KJV)

Jesus warned that there would be people who would do all this stuff in God’s name but he will say he didn’t know them at the day of judgment (Matthew 7:21-23).

There are things for me that are okay and not okay. Others view those things differently.

Here’s the thing that’s great. Our relationship with Jesus and salvation is an individual, personal thing.

We can share beliefs. We can disagree on beliefs. We should never condemn. We have no heaven or hell.

We can judge depending on the circumstance. If you profess Christianity, we can look at the Bible, Jesus, and his teaching. We can examine if your life lines up and if you are bearing fruit of relationship with him.

Now, I’m not saying go around with a clipboard and point out people’s faults. That’s too much judgment.

But, if I’m deciding if I’m going to take your advice, be a member of your church, be in any relationship of any kind, or we engage in conversation, I can try the spirit by the Spirit (1 John 4:1). I can assess what the fruit you’re bearing looks like (Matthew 7:16-20). That’s part of guarding your heart and using wisdom (Proverbs 4:23).

We are called to love. Jesus said so (Matthew 22:36-40). Our beliefs should never make peope feel unloved. Love came to earth and was crucified on a cross (John 3:16). Love took on sin so we could be sinless.

But, the sinlessness is a personal choice. Sinlessness is the decision we as individuals get to make based on the revelation we receive after reading the Bible and entering into relationship with God.

I’ve been too judgmental. I’m sure I will be again. Some of it is learned behavior. However, if I know to do good and don’t, it’s sin. I’m working on it. Amongst other things.

Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). That doesn’t mean we can just be out here wildin because we are loved. Love allows us to recognize and stop sinning. Love gave us salvation to remove the sin.

Love someone today-especially yourself.

Time

There is this dope mom on Instagram (@mytransparentmoments) run by one of the dopest chicks (@shanickavailhouae) I’ve encountered on Al Gore’s innanet.

I’ve been peepin her game for at least six years. I know cuz it was before she got married in 2014. Ha!

The way she allowed God to use her in her singleness concerning her personal life and job as an assistant was cool. But THE WAY she has evolved it into THE transparent mom. Tuh. She is an inspiration to single and married folk, to parents and the childless.

Ima send her link to this. The church folk say give people their flowers while they are living. A.K.A. take the time to show them you appreciate them while they are around to hear it.

The way she parents, seeking God and valuing her children as the gift they are, is something to behold and should be THE standard.

She is hard on herself. With reason sometimes and without others. She is self aware and holds herself accountable. If more humans only took the time tondonthat…

She’s been talking about time and planning lately. It has blessed me. I got a whole vision situation taking place with my brother this week.

She recommended this sermon by Dr. Dharius Daniels. It’s called Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That as part of a series entitled Boss Moves.

Let me tell you. The lady never gets it wrong. He. Man. I won’t tell much. It’s only like 40 minutes. I’m linking it and her pages. Do yourself a favor.

Anyway. The point. He discusses the importance of managing our time.

It’s five something where I am. I have been taught, and heard others say, when you can’t sleep or you are awakened, that’s the time to pray. So I started and this hit me.

Dr. Daniels said praying is an investment with a great ROI (return on investment). I’m for real not giving too much more cuz watching or listening would be a great investment for you.

It is imperative, if you are a follower of Christ and a believer, that you take the time to cultivate a relationship. Relationships with people require intention and communication. Time.

Prayer is time with Christ that is intentional communication. Dr. Daniels talked about distraction when praying. Peter, James, and John were distracted by sleep when they should have been praying in the garden of Gethsemane before Jesuswas taken and eventually crucified (Mark 14:32-42).

Things come that distract us from intentionality in our relationships and our relationship with Christ.

But, there is good news. Peter is a superstar in the Christian faith. For those who believe in the Apostolic doctrine (Acts 2:38), he was given the authority to began building the kingdom per Jesus (Matthew 16:15-19). He got his prayer life and relationship together. He wrote two books of the Bible.

John got it together. He told us about Jesus through the lens of love in the book of John. He continued to talk about love and some other important things in the three additional books attributed to him. There’s some dispute about if the John who authored Revelation.

James got it together enough to be present in Acts 2. Jesus had a brother named James. There’s a dispute about who wrote James too.

Dr. Daniels was teaching us about the importance of prayer. I think it is safe to assume that he has a great prayer life. He’s pastoring and edifying, blessing the people with his sermons. I’d wager a yes to his improved prayer life.

The great thing about time is this: for a time, God gives us time to get it right. Where our treasure, including our time, is exposes where our hearts are (Matthew6:22). Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there is a time for everything.

The MOST important time is time with Jesus. That gives you the blueprint for what to do with the rest of your time.

I took the time to write this here lil post. I’m gone take the time to pray. And then I’m gonna hope I get the time to go back to sleep for a bit on this here vacation.

My Transparent (MOM)ents: https://www.instagram.com/mytransparentmoments/

Shanicka (Shuh-nee-kuh not Shan-nick-uh. It was a whole thing with Alexa. 😂🤣) Vail House: https://www.instagram.com/shanickavailhouse/

Dr. Dharius Daniels (Change Church) Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That: https://lifechange.org/sermons/aint-nobody-got-time-for-that/

Eh. I decided to watch the sun rise on on the beach in 45 degree weather.

Why? Did you text me today?

I sent those sentences as two separate texts to someone today.

I was in a whole situationship with this person for a few weeks the past couple months.

It was bananas. It went super fast and ended faster. I knew trouble was brewing three days in.

I learned some stuff-good and bad about myself. It honestly made me better.

I asked for closure that never came.

So, color me surprised to receive a text three weeks and four days later that said good morning.

A plethora of things ran through my mind and out of my mouth.

But, like I told my friend, I had my good Holy Ghost on.

I have learned to think and be calculated, not in a sinister way, in my responses to people.

Cuz everything one wants to say isn’t the best thing to say.

I’m trying to represent Christ well. Especially to this person.

True, to my feelings, emotions, and people who love me, he doesn’t deserve it.

But, like I asked my friend, did I deserve grace, new mercies today?

I told her it is a mutually beneficial situation, not from him though. I am storing up treasure in heaven. I am setting up some good reaping. Maybe it’s diminished some by talking about it. I dunno.

I told her vengeance is the Lord’s and he will repay. I told her about what Jesus said, blessed are ye when…

I just want this person to be okay. I want this person to be won to Christ. They were raised basically the same way as me. They endured some things. They chose a different way than me. I was fine with it. There were some other things, maybe related to the different way they chose, that were not fine with me. They didn’t make it difficult to walk.

Despite the poor treatment and ill feelings, I left the door open. I don’t know if they realize what kind of door is open. I don’t think they realize how crazy it is for them to act like nothing happened after what they did. My friend said she may need the Holy Ghost again cuz I’m more patient than her. She wants me to just leave him alone.

My feelings say leave him alone. My hurt says block him again. But my heart says he may just need something I have. I forgave him.

These feelings, this flesh, has me torn. I don’t wanna be a doormat or get played like I was. I don’t believe Christians should be martyrs and just take whatever from whoever. There’s just something inside of me, I hesitate to say God cuz I don’t wanna put anything on Him that isn’t Him, telling me to show him the love of God.

I told my friend I wish people would have been patient with me when I was in a similar state. I wish people would have been there for me or given me the benefit of the doubt. I’m, hard as it may be though I’ve continued praying for him, gonna tread lightly and respond when he chooses to reachout.

I’m just not getting back into a situationship. I refuse to go down that path. Fool me once, okay multiple times but all back to back, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I ain’t here for the shame. Lol.

Christmas is Canceled…Just Like Thanksgiving

I’m an odd bird. Check out some of these posts if you haven’t. Facts.

I’ve always been different and fitting in has proven difficult at times.

I have tried to quit Christmas for years. Ending up with a sweet, precious nephew thwarted my plans.

This year I’m sticking to it. Just like I quit Thanksgiving. Or rather, Colonizer’s Day.

It isn’t really surprising to me that this is the conclusion I’ve come to. I have already rejected certain things about the way I was raised in church. This is merely an extension of that.

I sat down and examined some things and came to conclusions that were different than what I was taught. Some critical thinking. Same goes for the history of these holidays.

The colonizers celebrated living due to help from the Native Americans they stole land from and killed. I don’t care that we have tried to rewrite history and co-opt it. You can’t erase it and I won’t celebrate it ever again if I can help it.

Instead, I am going to celebrate passover. I think being grateful that God spared the life of the firstborn of the children of Israel who put blood on their door posts so the death angel would pass over is a great substitute. Because the children if Israel continued to procreate, Jesus was born to die for my sins.

Who gives gifts to others on someone’s birthday? I wish somebody would give my shine to others on my day who were born on another day.

Christmas is a pagan, commercial, money grabbing holiday. We can say Jesus is the reason for the season. We can have lil speeches and plays. But is he really and truly? Or is his shine taken by gifts and food and insanity?

Listen. If people wanna celebrate either, good for them. But I don’t. And again. The history.

Roman emperor Constantine wanted to convert people to Christianity. The people already celebrated the winter solstice. So, Constantine decided they would celebrate the birth of Christ at the same time to support his conversion efforts. Ain’t that about nothing? I kid. Noble idea poor execution.

I did some light research. I came across an article that included the thoughts of others that didn’t necessarily bear the same conclusions. To me, that’s a well written article. https://jewsforjesus.org/publications/issues/issues-v23-n02/when-jesus-was-really-born

The conclusion is that Jesus was born in September or October in the lead up to Rosh Hashanah. So guess what ya girl will be celebrating? Lol.

My thing is, like TD Jakes once preached, make the main thing the main thing. If we are really celebrating and reflecting on Jesus, none of the other stuff should come into play-the tree, the gifts, the capitalism, the frenzy.

Plus. There are TONS of holidays and birthdays all year that provide reasons, or just cuz, to give gifts.

But hey. This is just me. Do you boo. Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday Jesus.

Look

Ok. So forever I’ve been trying to come up with an intelligent, politically correct way to state my feelings on this whole equality and gay marriage situation. I can’t remember if I’ve attempted and dotlnt wanna go read all my posts this early before work.

What I will say is that my religious beliefs opposes homosexuality but love every single homosexual. People will wonder how can that be. It’s the whole hate the sin love the sinner that Christ, you know the dude who Christians are supposed to follow and model themselves after, spoke and mote importantly exemplified.

I mean come on. He loved a liar, betrayer who assisted his choice to lay down his life, a prostitute, a multiply married bed hopper he should have never associated with, and a doubter. A man whose life mission was to destroy his people and the legacy he died to create was the greatest apostle ever.

Almost every single person I’ve encountered who is a homosexual or believe it’s ok are awesome people-some of the best people I know. While I don’t agree with their beliefs or lifestyle, and they don’t agree with mine, I see their value and worth. Some of these people are Christians. Some aren’t. But I will tell you at times they’ve treated me better than those who lay claim to the same faith.

The interesting thing with Christians against homosexuality is that they seem to have something in common with Christians for slavery. Pause. I can’t believe I wrote it either. I don’t think that the fight for love and marriage equality is on par with the fight against slavery and for equal rights. But the Christians share an absolutely common trait.

Both sets of Christians have decided to pick and choose certain parts of the Bible to stand behind while conveniently ignoring others. I’m guilty of it in areas of my life.

Jesus told Peter to render unto Caesar what is his when the fish provided a coin. Not only that. The Bible says, paraphrased, to obey them that have rule over you. The Bible says, again to paraphrase, that you have to obey the law.  I fail miserably every time I speed.

One of the core ideals of this nation is the idea of the separation of church and state. That’s why prayer is gone. That’s why people have campaigned against God on money and in the pledge. I don’t agree but I can’t fault them. That’s what this country’s law has allowed.

This country’s law has now allowed same sex marriage. All these politicians and government officials don’t agree. That’s fine. I’m sure no contract said they had to religiously agree. But they have to do their jobs. They have to obey the law.

The Bible also says there is a time for every thing under the sun. Talk radio, the news, the pulpit, the barbershop, Sunday dinner, op-eds, whatever, that’s the place for these grandstands.

Sure, I can see belief coming into play when arguing or voting for or against the law. It’s completely rational to argue that there is no true 100% separation. But the law is the law. And loving your neighbor is loving your neighbor. Modern day Christians are so much like Bible day Saducees and Pharisees. Again. I’ve been guilty.

Don’t agree. That is your right. Refusing to love, accept, and obey the law makes you just as bad as those you judge. Sure some sins are abominations. But sin is sin. No big one. No little one. They’ll all send you to hell-that is if that’s what you believe.

Forward Goodbye

This has been a draft for a minute. And I changed the title. At first i was just going to talk about saying goodbye. But then i wanted to talk about moving forward. We’ll see if they mesh well enough.

Many times in life we have to say goodbye. Some of the hardest goodbyes are those that life forces on you. Like when people you love walk out on you.

I have talked some about this before. Being in a toxic environment and then cultivating relationships makes the chosen relationships so much more emotional. Having someone you think loves, understands, and appreciates you means a lot. Giving all you can and only wanting a little in return only to have the person refuse to give it is devastating.

I made the decision to walk out on the life that was forced upon me. But I wanted to carry some of the friends with me. To this day I have tried to maintain friendships that the girl I said goodbye to made. I even tried to reconnect and rekindle some things from before I was even forced to move.

I’m realizing that I have to move forward. I’m going to have to say goodbye to some more people and some more things. I can’t force relationships. I may love these people with all that I am. But I deserve more, I deserve better. It’s hard because I’ve known some of these people for over half of my life. But I’m not OK with constantly bringing what I want to the table and desiring more from them.

One great thing about moving home was the ability to reconnect with my family. Especially my granny and aunt. I think I’ve said it before but it’s worth mentioning again.  Even though I moved back it was a forward goodbye. I went back to a place where I was happy. I expected things to be different than they were. I was disappointed.

But I’m happy now. I’m realizing goals and dreams. I’m on my way to becoming the me I want to be. Not the me others planned or wanted. I’m not perfect. Every day isn’t sunshine and roses. But I’m getting there. I said goodbye in order to move forward. I’m going to say goodbye a few more times. After all, the Bible does say to everything there is a season. Seasons change. Nothing stays the same.

Late Night Musings

I had a blog in mind. It’s a draft. It may get written it may not. Oh well. Been dealing with a lot of foolishness this past month. There is one common denominator.

I’m stuck in a situation. I thought I prayed about it. I was slightly pushed into it. I may have reacted to little things too hastily. I definitely wanted to help not just me. But it’s been a point of contention and difficult for me far more than it has been pleasant.

Though life could have robbed me of my heart and kindness, I chose to let go and strive earnestly to be like Christ. My situation isn’t as dire, but it reminds me somewhat of Hosea marrying his unfaithful wife.

I can’t say with certainty this situation was at the leading or in the will of God or even that He told me to do it like He told Hosea. But Hosea’s intentions were honorable like mine. He kept at it.

I’m sure people called him crazy. Nobody’s called me crazy to my face about it. They are concerned and feel bad for me. I’ve had to constantly defend myself. I’ve tried not to “go there” but when you poke a bear…?

This situation will be over in less than a year. I’m going to honor requests that have been made that go against my nature. And I’m going to stick with it even if back peddling occurs.

People teach you how to treat them. I’ve tried to teach how I want to be treated. The lesson isn’t being learned. But I’ll learn the lesson I’m being taught. And I’m gonna try to be angry and not sin. I’m going to try to let the Lord repay the vengeance that’s his.

Jesus was confrontational without being disrespectful. His existence before he even spoke a word confronted the nature of the world as it existed then. And when he opened up his mouth? If I can’t stand firm and hold to my convictions in this space what will happen if a bigger space opens? I won’t be able to handle it.

God equips. It’s up to us to pay attention, learn the lessons, and be prepared to move into where He takes us.

Love

So I was going to write like three different blogs based off of the last one. I’m not in a mood or that frame of mind anymore. However, I’m sure some of what was going to be in there will make its way into this blog.

I think I’ve talked about love before. I may repeat so bear with me. I think I felt loved as a kid. At some point after ten I don’t think I felt loved.

The cool thing has seemingly always been being in a relationship. I had my first kiss in a Bally’s daycare playing house at like five. I had a boyfriend off and on until ten. My mom championed the cause of the last boyfriend around ten.

When I moved I eventually ended up with a boyfriend. I just wanted what everybody else had. And I’m sure I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. He was a typical kid but it was hard to deal with his behavior and everything else going on in life.

After we broke up I vowed to God freshman year of high school that I didn’t need a boyfriend until he wanted to give me one eve. If that was after school. Foolish little girl.

I ended up obsessing over several guys, before my next boyfriend, before I finished school. I wanted to be loved. I wanted what the other kiddies had.

I was so foolish that I told some work friends, some with the same beliefs but not living it and others with different beliefs not living them either, that I wanted a boyfriend for my 20th birthday. Can you say mistake?

I always said I would give my virginity to my husband. I remember being at the dinner table as a teenager being adamant, even after they warned me about what I would and wouldn’t do, that I would give it to my husband. In my quest for love and being like others I made a foolish choice. Not only did I give my gift away, I didn’t do it safely. And I’ll be honest, I’m a tad nervous to find out if there are lingering consequences. I will find out before the one finds me, if I’m even supposed to be found.

I put my life in danger in more ways than one. Supposedly this dude was a triplet. I never saw all three. I think somebody I know saw them. I’m not sure. I do know that somebody was chasing my car through the streets. I do know that I was dumb enough to go wait at Walmart til he called me after the police left and went back to where he was.

Depseration will cause you to things you never said you would, never thought you would. Like, in addition ti the ither foolishness, spend money on a no good dude who couldnt answrr thr phone and was nowhere to be found. I fully believe my life would be far different had I not heeded a warning from God.

So I went to church urch one Sunday. I actually invited him. He said he would go. Of course he didn’t answer the phone. I went without him. The pastor called me out. She said something along the lines of “Karlissa. God says you are stinking and you’re dirty.”

Mind you she was like another mother. She usually knew all my business. But I was too embarrassed and ashamed. I knew what she was talking about. Though I didn’t want to stop, sin is nice especially when it was something God created to be and feel good, I told him we had to. And, thankfully, when i wanted to be weak he refused.

Of course there was no point in us being together after that. I haven’t seen or heard from him. Nor have I fallen on the seven years since. God CAN keep you if you want to be kept. 

I’m grateful for God’s love and his warning. I beleive if I would have kept on I would have had his kid and maybe ended up in jail. Worse, I may have caught something. Again, i am currently willfully ignorant.

God reminds me and shows me of his love for me. His love was demonstrated on the cross when he sent Jesus to die for my sins in my place. He showed me my woth and sent people to tell me. He sent me home where could heal and eventually be loved unconditionally.

I will forever be grateful to my grandmother and aunt for giving me what I needed at a critical point in my life. I will forever be grateful for those, past and present, who helped me and loved me along the way. There are some true Christians in “the church.”

Throwaway Part 2

I felt unloved.  My mother compared me to a father she seemed to hate.  She went around telling half truths, exaggerations.  She threatened to put me out.  She called and told my father and grandfather on me.  She told on me in person.  She talked to me however she wanted.  She never listened.  She let my sister talk to me any kind of way.  My dad remarried.  Because if the craziness post and prior marriage, and because he may be a little too saved, he put his wife and her kids and grandkids before me.  Though my dad and step mother begged me, for a while I refused to move home and live with them.  Well one day I decided to change some things, give away some things.  I told my dad and stepmother what would probably happen.  My dad told me to call the cops.

I wrote my mom a letter, telling the truth.  It pissed her off.  Not to mention me giving away my personal property.  I refused to go take it back.  At 22 years old my mother slapped me.  And she slapped me hard enough to leave an impression long enough for me to call the cops, get a picture taken, talk to the cops, drive thirty minutes, text her for I don’t know how long.  Maybe it wasn’t on there that long.  The details are hazy.  She put me out.  Then she let me come back.

I went and talked to the first lady of the church I was attending.  I almost lost my mind that night. I had been desperately trying to cultivate a better relationship with Christ, yet all hell broke loose.  The first lady and the mother of the church told me the devil was attacking me.  They wouldn’t let me speak.  They sent me home to my mother.  After years of being sent home, nobody helping me, nobody confronting her, the next day I had had enough.  I quit my job.  Packed my car and left.  I went searching for a friend I let my mother talk me into throwing away.

I got lost on my journey.  I changed my number.  I told my dad and stepmother I was coming.  I asked her not to give away my number.  But she did.  My mom tried to get me to go back.  When the manipulation didn’t work she tried passive aggressiveness.  I only lasted two months at my dad’s. My stepmother was a trip.  She put me out.  When my dad found out he asked her if she got the key.  He didn’t come talk to me.  He didn’t listen when I tried to tell him how she treated me, how she behaved.  They wouldn’t let me drive one of their cars so I had to walk.  Even though they claimed they would help me.  And once I moved to my grandmother’s he came in twice.  Never asked about me or came to my room.  I will say my stepmother apologized.  My dad hasn’t.  I don’t think my mom has either.

Number 3 was there for me.  Pushing and supporting me.  But when I tried to return the favor that didn’t go over so well.  I struggled to maintain friendships with those my age and younger once I moved.  I was loopy and trying to sort through the turmoil and crazy that was my life.  I said one thing but wanted another. The whole destruction of three relationships occurred not too long after this.

Number 1 was struggling.  Another not so great friend was refusing to be there for him because he couldn’t forgive get over what Number 1 had done, and Number 1 had no idea.  Number 1 ended up in crisis and the friend refused to help.  I was incredulous.  I had decided to start throwing away some things myself. I ended the friendship. 

I could no longer be surrounded by people who didn’t want to me.  I was no longer to beg, buy, borrow, or steal friends.  If I wasn’t good enough for you to pick up the phone and call or respond then deuces.  I could no longer surround myself with “Christians” who know nothing about the message of Christ.  Or should I say who knew about it but weren’t trying to accept and display it.  Again, I’m not perfect.  But I try to forgive.  That’s why I can talk to my family, though they almost destroyed me, and constantly threw away the pieces I gave them.  I was already lonely surrounded by people. Why not celebrate, and embrace me?  Why not actively decide to have peace? 

So here I am today.  Everything isn’t perfect.  But I’ve tried to perfect accepting things.  I don’t need people.  I am fortunate with the few I have that accept me as I am and love me for who I am.  I don’t think I accomplished all I set out to do in this blog as I attempt to wrap it up.  Maybe I’ll do some ISSUES or WORTH blogs. I dunno.  But as the Donald Lawrence and Company song “Happy Being Me” says:

“So happy being me, I’m regretting nothing
Bout me
To busy living life giving love… freely
I’m so happy being me”                                                                                                                                                       http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/donaldlawrence/happybeingme.html

Throwaway Part 1

Ok.  As promised, here is this blog.  Throwaway, as a noun defined by google means: a thing intended or destined to be discarded after brief use or appeal.  I’ve been thrown away a time or few in these short 28 years of life.  The first time I actually remember being discarded was in fifth grade.  I had been at the school for the past two years.  I received the gift of salvation.  I don’t recall being any different.  But something must have been.  What began was many years of hurt, betrayal, and displacement.  I belonged to a group of girls thick as thieves.  All of a sudden they turned on me.  The wouldn’t be my friend anymore.  I still remember trying hard to get the fearless leader to like me.  I had been by her side all day trying to get into her good graces.  I came back from the restroom.  I overheard her say something along the line of being her pet.  Dejected, I went to the cafeteria to eat lunch alone.  That school year was rough.  My mom had conferences with my teacher.  It was also the last school year before I had to move.  I didn’t want to.  I had a life.  I volunteered to stay with my dad though he wasn’t my favorite.

We visited the south every summer for my grandfather’s pastoral anniversary celebration.  I knew of the kids.  They knew who I was.  I didn’t really hang with them because I had my cousins and sisters when we would go visit.  Well, I hung with one set of kids and that was pretty much it.  Once I got there permanently it was disastrous.  I remember one of the boys asking me why my legs were so big.  I guess I need to write a blog about WORDS.

I thought these kids were my friends eventually.  A set of cousins seemingly didn’t get along.  They played me for a fool and put me in the middle.  I had a boyfriend, crazy but common in the sixth grade.  He treated his friend, the one he was supposed to be with according to the “church” folk, better than me.  He felt he could do whatever but let me do the same thing and it was awful.  That lasted off and on for about two years.  He didn’t treat me well.  I promised to be done and that I didn’t need another bf.  Well, I have had one since the ninth grade.  And tons of infatuations that were fruitless…sad.  (Sidebar-he tried to, in an email, get back with ya girl freshman year in college.  I knew better and said no.  And, though I don’t recall, he tried again later before he proposed to his wife.  Again no.  Glad he seems happy with his wife and kids.)

School friends got better eventually.  The few that I had.  At least in middle and high school.  The “church” friends not so much.  I tried with all my might to have friends by showing myself friendly.  I was there when I didn’t have to be.  All I wanted was attention in return.  Maybe I attempted to buy their love.  Maybe I was “too saved.”  I admit at times I was.  It took me a while to ever need GRACE.  But when I did, boy did I ever.