Fatherless Children

I have been turning this “spiritual father” concept over in my head off and on for a few months. I’ve prayed about it. Had a convo about it. Read some stuff about it.

It actually kinda ties into a blog I can’t seem to write based on something I said in a convo in May. What I said: we have traded one priest for another (pastors) instead of the High Priest (Jesus).

The Bible says when my mother and father forsake me the Lord will take me up. πŸ—£ (please search and find it so you know I’m not making stuff up 😊). Jesus said to call nobody on earth Father because we have one Father in heaven. πŸ—£

Jesus did not mean to literally not call our father father. But, what He meant there, and in what He said in the surrounding verses, is to not replace God with man. Do not replace the offices, the different aspects (teacher, Rabbi, friend, all the titles He has) of who He is with men.

I harp on relationship versus religion for good reason. My relationship that began with religion exposed me to who He is. Our experience enabled me to build an altar that memorialized the distinction that exists between people who claim the name of Christ and Christ Himself.

That’s why I have never walked away from God and dismissed Him. I haven’t maintained our relationship the best for many reasons. That’s on me. I’ve been doing better and am determined to do better until I take my last breath. Life is better this way. He deserves it for all the grace, love, and mercy He has given me.

Ain’t no [Father] like the one I got. Just a lil lyric change that is appropriate. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚

People have decided to go to men they can see and not the One who sees everything. I have been a member of and around so many different churches. There is a residual effect of the religion we learned in America during slavery. And that is residual to a degree from the law of the Old Testament: confession and control.

The people had to go to the priest. The priest went to God on their behalf. Enslaved people had to go to their master for everything. The master then made decisions on their behalf.

In Bible days, this still existed when Jesus came on the scene. He preached and then followed through with the removal of the separation between God and man.

God knew that the way things were set up, an external relationship guided by things people had to do to be in relationship, was not working. So he came to be the last, best, and greatest sacrifice. Once and for all. And then He provided a Comforter that we receive as a gift to dwell inside and guide us. (There isn’t one specific Scripture but till Bible. πŸ˜ŠπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ)

Because of how it has been, people go to their pastors for all kinds of stuff. Instead of to God. They run everything by their pastor as though permission is required. I’m not saying we don’t need pastors, counsel from them, and approval for certain things.

What I am saying is that we shouldn’t be running every single thing by them. We shouldn’t be going to them before we go to God. We should be praying and reading Scripture to develop a relationship with God. We should be looking to Him and what the Bible says.

Unless it is direct prophecy (another topic for another day), our pastors should more often than not be confirming or providing answers to what God has already said or what we have already asked and believe He has answered.

When Jesus took His last breath on the cross, the veil in the temple tore from top to bottom. πŸ—£ I heard someone say that that defied physics. I had never thought about that or paid that much attention. But it is true. The tearing of the veil was a natural, physical, observable indication that the veil of the priest that stood between man and God was torn and no longer necessary.

The sacrifice of Jesus on the cross opened the veil and gave each of us personal, individual access to God. Therefore, no human should be standing between us and God. No human’s direction, word, or anything should trump, be more important, or followed instead of God’s. Especially concerning what He specifically instructs us to do. That is dangerous idolatry.

And He said He is a jealous God. πŸ—£ He won’t have any other god above or before Him. πŸ—£ And we are definitely guilty of doing that with the men and women who are merely supposed to lead and point us to Him. Not take His place in our lives.

Ima stop here. I dunno if I had more the day I initially wrote it. But this a lot and enough. Lol.

Go be great. He is and we can be. Should be. He’s counting on it. And so is someone else.

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The Entitlement Of It All

Short snd sweet

It is crazy to me that we have the nerve, the gall, the temerity, the audacity

To ask anything of a God we are not obeying

Like. We are out here sinning, doing whatever we want, ignoring His Word and specific instructions to us

And then we are audacious enough, bold enough

To ask the One

Who gives us grace and mercy we don’t deserve

The same One

Who was out here striking down liars, those who disobeyed, even one who touched an ark that represented His presence πŸ—£πŸ—£πŸ—£ (That means Scripture to look up for the newbies.)

The same One

Who didn’t allow Moses to see the Promised Land

Who didn’t allow Sasmson to live to see how he was used

Who didn’t allow David to build the temple

Asking Him for blessings, and miracles, and whatever else

I am convinced we don’t really know Him

Or at the very least

We don’t have a healthy fear of Him

We take His love and grace for granted

We sing songs

We quote the Bible

We make vows. Despite the Bible saying it is better to not make a vow than to make one and break it. πŸ—£ Further expounded on by Jesus in the parable where one person says no and does it versus the one that says yes and doesn’t do it. πŸ—£

We have GOT to do better

Go be great. Lives, including our own, depend on it.

What My Grandfather Taught Me

Okay look. I gotta repent off top. Cuz I said in legacy that I won’t (shout out to the ppl who inhabit where I presently live. Cuz that is what some of them would say when it should definitely be wasn’t. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£ I love it though!) gonna write about my family anymore. I never should have said that. I was attempting to provide an olive branch I probably shouldn’t have extended as far. I mean, I have shown them no grace at times. But that promise extended far too much. So, I’ll take the heat when they find out one day. Hopefully the love and grace is evident though.

That lil ramble is actually a great introduction for what is basically legacy part two. I should probably read it to make sure this isn’t repetitive. Buuuuuuuut. If it is, then it just bears repeating.

Several years ago, I wrote a note on the blue box with a white f’s website (I’m not advertising for anyone for free unless it’s necessary πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ). I was critical of my grandfather and one of my uncles saw it and asked my mom to have me take it down.

I was irritated by it considering some stuff that was going on at the time. But, I acquiesced and took it down.

To be clear, I’m different. I think about and see things differently from most of the people on my mom’s side though all of us were raised attending the same type of church-Apostolic (or Pentecostal). Including my grandfather. Shoot. Especially my grandfather.

But. I made decisions to respect and obey stuff that he wanted the members of his church to comply with. Oh. Yeah. My grandfather was a Bishop in our organization. He wasn’t my pastor until I was 10 going on 11. I was raised a liiiiiil more, okay a lot, liberal than my mom. So, it was a lot to go from how I was raised to the far more traditional church my grandfather pastored.

I don’t know if a word exists for how much disdain and dislike my entire being possessed at having to leave my life and embark upon a new one I was forced to endure. I eventually tried to make the best of it. It was hard the entire 11.5 years I lived there. I had great times and moments. Met some decent people. But, it was difficult and quite honestly, I may still be recovering 13.5 years later.

This year has brought me healing, clarity, revelation, and even forgiveness concerning so many things. One of the best gifts has been the ability to see all of who my grandfather was. Not just what hurt me or what I disliked. When the negative is what you are conditioned to see and focus on, that’s where one tends to live and how they tend to view life.

Love. Grace. That man taught me so much of this by example. Cuz I would have had far more Peter for some of those folks who disrespected him but were so effusive and had so many great things to say when he retired from preaching and then passed from this life. It was bad. Like. They got up saying and doing stuff in the pulpit. They sat at dinner tables with children who came back and told us they included us on the menu.

Confidence of conviction. Whew. That man believed what he believed and nobody was gone change his mind. The number of times that lil short, light-skinned man told me no or what I couldn’t do. I didn’t agree with his reasoning. But, I was his member so I submitted to what he said. However, at the base level, I appreciate the inheritance this gave me. I’m a lil more open to at least considering different points of view. Some I take in and some I discard. I mean, I be out here saying all kinds of stuff myself. πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚πŸ€£

Worship. I don’t have time to break down break down worship and worship versus praise. But, one aspect of worship is acknowledging who God is and not asking for anything. That man was good for having us sing old school songs and hymns. We need to make hymns great again in addition to the great music that has come along. I’m here for gospel trap, CCM, and whatnot πŸ€£πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ. But,

there is something to be said about the songs that firmly place God in the place of prominence He deserves. Songs that are simple and don’t require much to sing or remember. Songs that have been my friend in the car, at the bus stop, and wherever and whenever I needed to tell myself, God, and my circumstances who He is.

Humility. This man is kinda a big deal by some standards. I knew about some of what he did in the early 90s. But I had NO IDEA about the magnitude. He didn’t self promote. We, he, didn’t focus on what he did. The man barely talked outside of the pulpit. He talked but he was pretty reserved and kept to himself. I am quite honestly trying to embrace this since it seems to be what I need to do by virtue of how relationships work out for me. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£ He rubbed elbows with, was friends with, and was known by so many people-some prominent who could have put him in positions with more-I can’t find the word. He could have been more well known and out front than he was. I have learned so much about his impact over the almost 11 years since he passed. He was a truly remarkable man. Flawed like us all, but, I get why his kids put him on part of the pedestal. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ And it’s probably, in part, why I’m not impressed by myself and don’t tout things I’ve done in pride or arrogance.

Jesus. I legitimately wouldn’t exist if not for Jesus. Literally. He was raised around my grandmother. He wanted to marry her. He, apparently, clearly, did not accept the gift of salvation as a child like his kids and some of his grandkids. She told him he had to get saved first. He did and now here I am. His parents were both ministers. He was an assistant pastor then pastor at their church back home. Then he moved south to pastor the church I attended as a child. He made sure we were in that building. Some Sundays we had four different things in one day: Sunday School, morning service, youth afternoon service (3rd and 5th I believe) and night service. Prayer on Monday. Bible Class on Wednesday. And rehearsals for various things on various days. He LOVED God’s Word. I appreciated, and appreciate, being there. I just wished we did some more fun and creative things. But he was the boss and what he let us do worked for him so he believed it would work for us. I can’t truly fault him for that. He did shock me once and say it was okay to listen to secular music if it had a positive message. Knock me over with a feather. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

Courage. I don’t know that that is the precise word. I contemplated a phrase. Sticktoitiveness (stick to it) is a mde up word I’ve heard. I HATED preaching as a child. Before I started, I was told all the time that I talk too fast. Hey Moses with your speech impediment as an excuse. So, they would have me do announcements and other speaking things knowing full well how fast I talked and read. This made me NEVER want to stand up in front. I didn’t consider this or who that man was when I came bouncing home from church camp one summer and told him I was called after telling two of the ministers at the church no when they called me preacher/minister two separate times earlier that year. When I had had enough, I didn’t think I was ready and didn’t want to do it, I picked up the corded, landline phone and called him to try to quit. My guy’s response? Some or all of this: fast, pray, and read my Bible. I knew better than to say anything else. I legit think bye was all that was said. That is some of the best advice I have ever received. I didn’t really employ or embrace it then. But now? Tuh.

There is probably more. But I think this is on the long side. The paragraphs at least for sure. So Ima head out. Lol. Go be great. You never know who’s watching and how helpful your life is. Someone is counting on you!

I Want To See You

I’ve lived a lot of life in these 36 years.

I’ve helped people eat, shop, furnish their homes.

I’ve helped people with their money, file divorces, establish paternity, obtain child support orders.

I’ve stood before hundreds and told them what the law requires.

I’ve helped write law and ensure that the statewide child support system functions as designed and required by that same law.

I’ve made it through law school and failed the bar twice.

I’ve ensured that college kids are safe.

I’ve done some really great things that I never really talk about.

I wasn’t raised, nor does the Bible instruct one, to focus on my accomplishments and what is so great about myself. The humility of it all. But let’s not get it twisted. Lol.

I’ve been to a lot of churches.

I’ve been around a lot of church people.

I’ve espoused and encountered a lot of interesting Biblical thoughts.

Through it ALL I’ve seen Jesus.

A lot.

On many days.

In many ways.

Of all I’ve seen,

All I’ve done-which was truly no goodness of my own,

What humbles me the most,

And brings me the most joy,

Is the fact that He shows Himself to me.

While I have goals, hopes, and dreams,

The thing I desire, more than anything,

Is to see Him in ways I’ve never seen Him.

To experience all that His Word promises.

Many of my goals, hopes, and dreams,

Have GOT to come from Him.

Cuz they are nuts to me.

Any of them can go in the trash or change.

Cuz Ion want a thing that is not perfectly crafted for me.

I’ve given up on how I thought things would go,

How I thought things would look,

Who I thought would be here.

I’m better for it.

Because I see Jesus.

Go be great. Someone is counting on it!

Selfish Self-Care Siesta Sabbatical

I spoke in very general terms about life in my Three Six post.

Truth is? I was NOT okay. Hurricane Ian led me to cancel plans I’d had for weeks. I woke up the next day or two days later, the day before my birthday, and wondered if I was depressed.

Cuz sis has spent time good and depressed at various times in her life. I discovered through prayer that I wasn’t depressed. I was tired. I ended up in tears within a couple of hours.

I made the fortuitous, smart decision to call my aunt before the tears started. I was gonna just spend my birthday weekend in bed in the house doing nothing. I had a photo shoot and dinner planned later in the month. I canceled it.

I don’t like to burden people who have a lot going on with what’s going on with me. At least not new, since May me. I’ll pray, take a nap, make a comment from the glass half full lens while explaining, find a Scripture, and keep moving.

I just couldn’t do that that morning. I started crying and she started praying. She knew what to do. And she knew it was serious over here cuz I was crying and she said I don’t cry.

Because I no longer do. It has to be a lot a lot. I don’t refuse tears on purpose. They just don’t usually drop. Even if my eyes well. Even during sad movies.

I decided to do what I wanted to do this month. Without pressure or the risk of disappointment. Mind my own business. Leave others be and pray without being involved. And rest.

That’s why I canceled the dinner and photoshoot. And some things went down that made that a good choice. Cuz I needed the coin I would have spent.

I was gonna do something I didn’t want to do so I said no. I will be accommodating and just do what other people want even if it isn’t really what I wanna do or wanted to do. And be frustrated but just make the best of it. Because I’ve had to by force and then by choice to keep peace.

I’ve discovered some things about me. I realized I was pushing people to do things and I wasn’t doing all of what I should be doing.

Since May, I have also been uncovering, working on me, going through a lot, and haven’t just sat still and sat in it. I chose rest and peace in a lot of things. Old habits die hard. I sacrificed and settled in one thing.

Buuuuuuut. That went haywire and I assisted in being forced to choose peace. Ion wanna talk about it. Just know this mouth got me where I needed to be in a way I didn’t foresee and wasn’t going to voluntarily go.

I did what I thought would help after not getting help I was asking for. It was determined that that was the wrong thing. But it helped me figure out what I should be doing. The whole Romans 8:28 all things work together for good of it all.

I have done so many things and lived so much life this month. The start of my new year. 99.9% of it alone and solo dolo. Ima list it in case y’all need some ideas.

Rage Room
Day trip via train
Restaurants
Gun range
Top Golf
Axe Throwing
Sip and Paint

I still may rollerskate. I’m going to a glow event in the garden of one of the parks here. I’m decorating pumpkins. Living life that He came so I could live abundantly. Look that Scripture up. I gave you the other one for free. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I pour out or do a lot of random talking to be in relationship with other people. Cuz I want human interaction. I also worry about and am there for others. But I don’t always get the same thing back. I’ve made peace with that and have evaluated how I’m gonna move going forward.

Part of it is just who I was made to be. And that just has to be okay. Part of it is just the natural desire to be in relationship. But I don’t get that luxury to the degree that I want because of who I was made to be. I have struggled with it. Even as I’m accepting it. Old habits die hard. One more rime for the one time and the people in the back.

It ain’t easy being breezy. Like I’ve said, He didn’t promise ease. He promised ability. It’s gonna be difficult, uncomfortable, confusing, frustrating, weird, and whatever else. I’ve cried a time or two since the top of the month.

However, seeing the hand of God, my growth, and the manifestation of the prayers I’ve prayed for me and others? Gaaaaaaaaaaaah. The beauty of it. The satisfaction. The validation from God. It makes it so worth it. The patience and commitment to waiting on God revealing what He was doing? Sheesh.

I’ve stayed a while so now it’s time to go. Trust Him. Like they say, even when you can’t trace Him. It’s ALWAYS worth it. Even when it doesn’t seem like it in the moment. ESPECIALLY then.

Go be great. You need to. The world needs you to. You can do it πŸ’ͺ🏾!

Craziness of Faith

I was having a convo w my aunt and I randomly took it to faith.

I articulated some comments and thoughts I have shared with God and kinda said to other people in different ways.

Sometimes I feel crazy having the faith I have.

I don’t begrudge Sarah for laughing snd lying

You’re telling me two plus two equals four but I only see two plus one.

Sooooo where is this other one coming from??????

Go be great. Someone is counting on it!

So I sent this to a couple of people.

One of them asked me how I feel about this.

This was my response: I’m just gone keep feeling crazy. Lol. It isn’t faith if it makes sense or we can see it or we can figure it out.

And that’s on period. Periodt pooh! πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ‘ŠπŸΎπŸ’ͺ🏾

Put on Your Armor Because it is Time to Fight

See that date? First of all, the fact that it is a sermonette recorded on a cassette. Baaaaaars. Lol. But almost 20 years ago.

I thought it may have been my first one. But it doesn’t seem like it based off of what my grandfather said.

Full stop. Turning this on and hearing my grandfather’s voice. And then the pride and joy when he said I introduced him a few weeks ago. Granddaughter introducing grandfather and now grandfather introducing granddaughter. Tears. There were tears. I’m weepy still.

20 months later, after this, I left his church and have been in a pulpit once since. I didn’t think I was ready at the time. And I probably wasn’t. But listening to this? It blessed me. And it told me that I’m not new to this-these revelations and my understanding and what I write in these blogs-I’m true to it. No pride. At least I don’t think. Bahahahaha.

It is a precious and sacred gift. I didn’t want to do it for a myriad of reasons as a teenager. Who are me? What business did I have standing there as a child? Clearly plenty if this is what I was saying. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

To me, it is a weighty responsibility that one shouldn’t clamor for. Giving God’s people His word? Tuh. Okay. I gotta stop. Cuz what’s below is kinda a lot and this is gonna be a longer one.

Ephesians 6:12-18

Different pieces of armor we are told to have

Loins girt about with truth-we are supposed to know the truth about who and what we are fighting against and to be truthful ourselves as we go into war

We know that this war is a war that has been going on and has been fought for years

And now that we’re saved we are supposed to be fighting this war so that in the end we can be what the Lord would have us to be

We are supposed to take on the breastplate of righteousness and we are supposed to guard ourselves by being upright and holy because that is one of the things that we are aiming for in our goal to be like Jesus because He is holy Himself and we are supposed to strive to be like Him

We are supposed to have our feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace

We should be prepared by the word so that we can spread peace because we know that that is one of the fruits of the Spirit that we are supposed to be aiming towards having

We should be at all times trying to be peaceful and to spread peace and to help our fellow man

We are supposed to take on the shield of faith

We should have faith to believe that God will help us fight our battles

So many times we may pray that we are taken out of the situations but He has us there so that we can be a witness to somebody else to help somebody else through their time of need or through their own situations so they know that God can do it so that they will be able to have faith themselves to know that if He did it for us that He can do it for them

We are supposed to have our helmet of salvation

We should guard ourselves by being saved and by having salvation

And being saved is not just being filled with the Holy Ghost it is doing what it is that the Lord has marked in the Bible for us to do

We should have the sword of the Spirit and the sword of the Spirit is the Word

We should be studious and well versed in our Bible because it is our ultimate weapon

This will enable us to kill our enemy

We are taught in the Word how to what it is that we need to do so that the enemy will flee from us

For us to stand still and know that God is God and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him

So if we seek Him and strive to do what it is that He has set out for us to do the enemy will flee from us

We don’t have to be so busy trying to do this and trying to do that and trying to do what it is that God is supposed to be doing

We just have to stand still and know that He is God and that He will enable us to do what it is that He has set out for us to do

We should use our armor and our weapons to watch out not only for ourselves but for the other saints

We’re not here just to be about our own business we’re supposed to be about the Father’s business

And he wasn’t here on earth just fulfilling what it is that He was sent to do

He was here helping others so that they could be healed and so that they could be saved

He didn’t come just to come so that He could die on the cross

He was here ministering for three and a half years

He did that so that somebody else could be helped along the way

And we should be diligent in our watch and be prayed up so that we can do everything that we need to do so that we can be the witnesses and the light and the children that God is calling for in these last days

And the war that we are fighting is not against flesh and blood and it’s not against other people

The war that we are fighting is against spirits

The spirits of others and the spirits and things that the enemy has put out against us

We are supposed to be in the Spirit at all times because we don’t know in our flesh what it is that is out there for us to come against us to harm us

So we are supposed to stay in the spirit realm and know that it’s not about us and it’s not about all the flesh things

It’s about what God is having us to do

We should be on point at all times ad fighting this war that is being presented for us to fight

And the war is against things that we can’t even see in high places

Those things that are up in the heavens where God and His angels are at war with the enemy and his forces

Everything that’s going on we can’t see

That’s why when we pray to be protected from dangers seen and unseen there are so many things out there that will come against us

But because we are praying and because we’re steadfast in the Word they’re not even being brought to us because we’re doing what it is that we’re supposed to be doing

And we’ve go to put on our armor and be ready to fight at all times because we never know what is going to come or whatever is going to be done

We’re supposed to not just pray for ourselves and our situations and our things and our family

We’re supposed to pray for everyone and everything because you never know

Like people say when you get off of yourself or your things you get your blessing because you took the time out to pray and be concerned with others

And the war is going on so we must never get too relaxed and let our guard down because you never know what’s going to happen and what’s going to come up

And so we need to put on our armor and take place in the army of the Lord

This was so good to me!!!! Even with the poor grammar at times. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

Go be great. Someone is counting on it. And it just might be you for you.

Three Six

Kinda a mixed bag. But that’s humans and life right?

😬πŸ₯΄πŸ˜³πŸ˜΅β€πŸ’«πŸ˜©πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜Š

In May or June, it’s a lil fuzzy at this point, I told God yes for real. I was a lil combative about it. Lol. I didn’t like my life. I didn’t want to end up like some people I was around.

So I told Him that He could have whatever He wanted. He could do and take whatever. I was done playing around with what He said and what He showed me.

Hell broke loose. Not all at once. It was kinda great at first. But then things started going off the rails. Then they got a lil better. Then they went completely crazy. I’ve talked about some of it.

But, that yes I fussed and yelled and gave in my car outside the place I was living at the time, is the most important and best yes I gave. It was the impetus, the catalyst, the thing that is setting me on course to collide with purpose.

The yes I gave isn’t the yes I intended or what it turned into. However, it was the yes I was created for.

I had no idea what I was walking into once I made moves, choices, changes, decisions based on the yes.

These blogs since May have been the best writing I have ever done. But it is because I have become the best me I have ever been.

I was watching a message and the pastor was talking about olive juice. He described the process and said an olive had to be crushed and it’s nature or composition (chiii something like that πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ) has to be changed in order to get the oil to flow from it. If that doesn’t sum up the back half of 35 for me I don’t know what does.

I think this paraphrased (how I remembered it but didn’t look too hard for the correct version πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ) Scripture may too: the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21. I didn’t even remember which book just the words. Bahahahaha. But it is so appropriate.

Why? Because I’ve held on to the fact that God has allowed everything. I put myself in Job’s shoes and was of the mind that God asked the enemy to consider me. He knew I could handle it. He trusted me.

Every aspect of my life has been put through something. I mean every. And I had to sacrifice and surrender it all. Including my will and desires.

I’ve seen how I’ve grown. I’ve seen how prayer (and sleep lol) has become the true solution. Not prayer and then react or do something. Prayer (and sometimes frustration) while waiting to see what God is going to do to, for, or through me.

Cuz I got a good good prayer and a good good word when all of this started popping off. Part of it was about being prepared for what God would do through me. Boy. Has He been doing stuff.

I am excited for the journey. I’m excited, weirdly, for the difficulty. I mean the Bible does tell us to be. Cuz like the people say, if you’re not going through anything you don’t make hell nervous.

I’m quite certain that for most of my life the enemy has taken issue with me evey time I open my eyes. Cuz He had to have been given a preview. And baby this life has been a trip since I received salvation at nine. I’m sure my loose lips aided in his intel. His attempts were unsuccessful.

I’m excited to see how God is going to be God. How He’s gonna allow what He spoke and showed me to manifest. How we are gonna have to fight to get me there. How He’s going to move, bless, and perform miracles. How He’s going to use me. How He’s going to grow me-painfully at times I’m sure. How He’s going to stretch me. The no I’m gonna get from Him to be able to get the yes.

I know I’m not gonna like it at times. I know I’m gonna be hurt and frustrated at times. I know me and I’m human. But I’m gone remember our track record. I’m gonna build altars. Cuz if I trust Him I have to trust Him. He knows the way I take (that’s a Scripture to look up. Here’s the lil emoji πŸ—£. Lol). He has plans. πŸ—£ His thoughts and ways are higher. πŸ—£ His ways are past finding out. πŸ—£ There is no searching of His understanding. πŸ—£

What I do know is that He is always with me. πŸ—£It’s down, in prayer, to go up from heeeeeeeeere!

Go be great. Someone is counting on it. Lives depend on it. Success and answered prayers depend on it. Peace and joy depend on it. Eternity depends on it. You can do it!

This Place

Heeeeeeeey y’all. I feel like I’ve been neglectful. I’ve barely written anything in this space.

I just haven’t had the pull or leading to write anything long form. I’ve seen God. And I could have forced something. But He hasn’t pushed me to do anything here.

I’ve been trying to be more quiet and intentional with my words. I do post a bunch in my story on Insta (which is linked to my Facebook I barely post on).

There’s a reason for it. I got some ppl who have need of what I got going on over there. Cuz let me tell you. Left to my own devices, I’d be here and on Snapchat. And Snap is only for my inner circle. Cuz, as I’ve learned, everything ain’t for everybody.

Sometimes we are unknowingly stumbling blocks (that’s Bible) or cause people to covet (more Bible). I’m not trying to do too much on socials like I have in the past.

Y’all. I’m trying to walk out the stuff I say and write. I have been tested and tried. I’m sure I’ll have content soon. I mean, teaching these kids is plenty of fodder. As is my interactions with my coworkers. And riding the bus.

But, I’m super emotional and have been struggling. I no longer write from that place. Well that isn’t top of mind or fingers. Cuz there is emotion tied to everything. I just like to have it under control by the time I write about whatever. And I’m so not in control of much and it’s been difficult to harness my emotions. My peace and joy have been attacked. I’ve written enough about this place.

So, I’m gonna go through the growing pains and wait on the Lord. When I move from here, I’ll have a lot to say. Until then, I may just do a series of inspirational dumps. Cuz I’m fairly confident there are some people over here who could use it too.

Go be great. Someone is counting on it!

Okay Miriam

I may catch a lil heat for this. But I’m gone honor, gas, and celebrate my people. And honestly, since she taught about honor culture, maybe I’ll catch a break.

The second Sunday I was at church someone kept looking around and was playing a tambourine. Like Moses’ sister Miriam. I was low-key confused and, if I’m honest, a lil miffed. Like, what is going on?!

It all made sense after church. It was the pastor’s sister who takes care of the new members and various things in the ministry. We talked. I gave her all my seemingly chaotic energy. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜‚πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€£ I know me.

But she loved it for some reason. Lol. She told me so. Chiiiii. She may have called me sis within that short lil exchange. She, I, had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.

I asked God for new people earlier this year. I love the people I had. But I needed new ones. Because I needed present, like minded people who reciprocated.

We went to second service. This lady got up there and told us “it’s settled.” Baaaaaybay. That thang blessed me. I observed how she did what she did. We had a convo about it. It was interesting to say the least. All was well though. Better than well tbh.

We have been off to the races ever since. I have seen so much growth in both of us in the two seconds we’ve been in relationship. That is my sister for real.

I’m gone fight for this one. Other people and her. In the spirit in prayer and in convos if need be. She gets the business. And she gives it too.

I love her life. I love our relationship. There is nothing fake, forced, or contrived. It is truly heaven sent and heaven’s best for me. I’m sooooooo grateful. We in this thang FUH LIFE. I’ll GLADLY accept that sentence.

Go be great. Someone is counting on it.

Just Shut Up

Seriously.

Really.

Truly.

Honestly.

I had a DAY today. I had one last week too.

I told two people who I KNOW have my back.

I didn’t really complain. I was honest about what was going on and my state of mind. My feelings.

After I told them, I turned my phone off and went to sleep. I prayed when I woke up.

But the key thing is I didn’t just talk when I prayed. I sat and waited for Him. Prayer is a two way conversation. Not a one sided monologue. I got what I needed.

I read my people’s texts. Their response? Prayer and Scripture.

I had a text from someone else who was hot because I had my phone off then on DND. I told them what was going on cuz they have some stuff in common. They were a blessing of encouragement.

I would love to say I was good after that. I wanted to run my mouth and vent. I called two people. God, in His providence, didn’t allow them to answer. So when one texted, I just asked them about something I wanted to know in addition to being honest about how friggin hard today was.

These mountains and valleys, these rollercoasters, this cross, this death of the flesh, these altars that this life is sacrificed on, ain’t for the faint of heart.

But that’s the point. To be like Him I have to endure what He did.

He’s just teaching my hands to war.

He’s preparing me and equipping me for what He knows is ahead.

HE TRUSTS ME.

It is painful to grow.

But growing I am. I’ve seen it. My people, this one I am talking about here and my other one, have. I KNOW I’m doing what I should.

But shoot. Even Jesus took exception to what He knew He had to do. At this point, I’m inclined to believe it was more for our benefit than it was an actual issue with what He created Himself to do.

Again. He created Himself to lay down His life for us.

He, God, created a body, Jesus, to lay down as a sacrifice, to give us a piece of Himself, the Holy Spirit, to dwell in us as the Comforter. See Salvation.

Man.

Go be great. Someone is counting on it.

Be Healed And Grow Up

I think that there are a lot of us working while wounded. We were hurt and traumatized and stopped maturing past a certain age.

There are people in my life whose trauma I am aware of. I know when it happened and their actions and behavior aligns with the age they were when they were traumatized.

Though they are chronologically a certain age, they are still stuck at the age that they were harmed.

It’s why they are incapable of being in proper relationship with me and other people.

There is an Apostolic, and even just Christian, arrogance that I’ve observed. I mean I’ve been at this for almost 36 years. We receive salvation, come into the knowledge of who Christ is, and all of a sudden we are perfect.

We never sinned or will sin again. We never make mistakes. We are perfect. And everyone else around us has to be perfect or they are no good. We got heaven on lock.

Meanwhile, we are hell on earth outside of the church. Because we were taught to wear masks and facades from those before us. We weren’t told it was okay to have issues. It was okay to need therapy. Just pray about it. Go talk to the pastor. Who is a human walking around with unhealed issues as well.

Jesus sacrificed and provided everything we need. But people and this world have taught us to just get over it. Just move on. Ignore it. Act like it never happened. But it did. And people can see your trauma. That’s why all of our friends and relationships are just as dysfunctional as we are.

We attract who we are and what we are. Until we realize what is going on with us and desire better, we will always be stuck in circles and cycles, marking time being unhappy and unfulfilled. Wanting to do things but unable to complete them. Because we think we are better and more evolved than we are.

I sat I my trauma. I looked at myself. I didn’t like all of what I saw. I asked God some questions. I know this is a tad redundant from other blogs. I looked at the choices I made. I looked at who my family and friends were and the choices they made. We all have a part to play. But our experiences and relationships inform, lead us to make certain choices.

If we have horrible human relationships it’s hard to have a good relationship with God. Even when we have experienced His blessings, miracles, and favor.

That’s why who we surround ourselves with is so vitally important. I love A LOT of people. But I had to let go of them and put them out.

There’s Bible for it and I’ve written about it. πŸ—£ means Scripture to look up.

Elisha shut the door and was alone with the boy who died and came back to life. πŸ—£

Elisha told the widow to gather pots and then close the door leaving her alone with her two sons. πŸ—£

Jesus put everyone out of Jairus’ house except his family and the three disciples who went in with Him. πŸ—£

They had to create spaces and atmospheres for the miracles and healing to take place. There could be no distractions. There could be no negative energy. There could be no doubters. There could be no complainers.

If we are trying to get to certain places, we should be surrounded by and taking advice from people who have achieved what we are trying to achieve. We should never be the smartest in every room. We should never be the most evolved. We should never be the richest.

I suggest that we evaluate who we are, where we are, why we are the way we are. And seek the help that we need. Embrace the peace, love, and joy that is written in the Bible and available. He came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. πŸ—£ He came to set the captive free and give us liberty. I think that is a twofer πŸ—£πŸ—£.

I get it. You want to do what you were created to do. But you don’t know how. You want to be free and delivered. But you don’t know how. All it really takes is being honest and vulnerable with God. And accepting what He tells and shows you. Accepting who and what He sends. Being willing to be hurt and disappointed. Being willing ro endure hardness like a good soldier. πŸ—£ Being willing to die to your will and desires. πŸ—£ Being willing to undergo surgery because His Word is a twowdge sword that cuts. πŸ—£ Being willing to present not just your body, but, entire life and all your goals and dreams as a living sacrifice. πŸ—£Being willing to have to walk away and hope that it’s there or better when you come back.

Jesus never promised ease but He did promise ability. He promised to be with us. πŸ—£ His servant promised the ability to do all things through Him because He gives us strength. πŸ—£ His strength is made perfect in OUR weakness. πŸ—£Our vulnerability and inability is what He wants. It gives Him the ability to be the Potter as we become clay. πŸ—£ It takes work, heat, pressure, and a lot of other things for water, dirt, and paint to become pottery. But once it is made, it is beautiful. There are so many different things, us, that simply come from dirt and water. Oooooooh. That is a whole nother blog that will probably never be written. Lol. I kid. Cuz that was good to me. But this is long enough.

There is no reason to be sad, hurt, confused, angry, and suffering. Make the hard decisions and live well the one life we have. Go be great. Your life depends on it. So do so many others.

Do SOMETHING!

How can you love a God you haven’t seen but can’t love people you can? I paraphrased a Scripture found in one of the three books John wrote towards the end of the Bible. πŸ—£ means a verse to look up so you know what it says for yourself.

I have been vexed for YEARS about the fact that we cannot possibly know what love is. We cannot possibly know who Jesus is. Despite all the church and all the Bible.

Cuz love is an action. For God so loved the world. πŸ—£ God is love. πŸ—£Love sacrificed on the cross. πŸ—£

That wasn’t convenient. It wasn’t comfortable. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t something He did if He could fit it in his schedule or wasn’t too busy. It wasn’t something He just ignored or failed to do.

We are admonished by Him, His disciples, and His apostles over, and over, and OVER to love. Like He did. Like we want to be loved.

But. Something is amiss. Like the disciples Jesus found problematic. They had all of these reasons and excuses as to why they couldn’t follow Him. πŸ—£ People have so many reasons and excuses for why they can’t be in healthy relationship with people.

We don’t talk but when we do we pick back up where we left off. Let God take a year to answer your prayer.

I work all day and then get busy. I don’t feel like talking. Well Jesus didn’t feel like going to the cross but He did.

My bad. I was gonna call you back but forgot. Ooops. God fogot to heal you. His bad.

Like bruh. What is going on with God’s children? Christians? His disciples who should be walking, talking, acting, moving like Him?

I will say for the ones who look like me, descended from enslaved people, many of us have never been loved properly. We are traumatized. We are operating off of religion that we learned from the god the slave masters created and not the One of the Bible.

Cuz all this me, me, me selfishness ain’t it. We want people to support us but we can’t support and be there for those we say we love and are in relationship with.

What if that text or phone call is the last one before they end it all? Now they’re dead and you’re the one crying the loudest looking and feeling as stupid as you should.

What if that text or phone call is the answer to the prayers you have prayed? But since you couldn’t be bothered you missed that moment and have to wait forever to get it. When you simply could have had it if you made time for another human.

And. How hard is it to check on people and initiate contact? Scroll through the phone and send some texts? If you think about someone text or call? Could it be God placed them on your mind or they are in your phone for a reason?

I REFUSE to be apathetic and isolated and unaware of or unavailable for those around me who are in need. I keep saying it and will keep saying it. The hands and feet of Jesus.

Could it be the reason we aren’t receiving the miracles, signs, wonders, and healing of the land, because in addition to not humbling ourselves and turning from our wicked ways, we aren’t doing what Jesus told us concerning those around us? πŸ—£πŸ—£πŸ—£ That’s definitely, at least three.

Maybe we should go back and pay attention to everything Jeus said and how He said it. Cuz we just won’t get or see some things if we don’t follow instructions.

Go be great. Jesus demanded. He and those attached to, assigned to you are waiting and counting on it.

I’m Gone Move

I went to Convocation at the end of July. Almost a week of just church services and church related stuff. Ion usually like talking about this but it should put this blog into perspective. The day after Convocation I went on a consecration/fast. It was with someone else for a week. Their idea but I was down for it.

As soon as it was over, God said the rest of the month sis. That’s why I said I was on a siesta and why I’ve been moving in interesting ways with my people in real life, on my blog, and social media. Lol. I was raised to not tell people or act like you are hungry and fasting. Just go on with life as usual.

I did it in secret and He rewarded openly. I did it in secret and responded to His directives and miracles openly. But. It is important to let people know that Jesus is right about not just prayer but prayer AND fasting.

In You Gone Move Or Nah, I talked about moves I’d made. I talked about being happy about finding a new church.

I definitely withheld information. Lol. What I didn’t say was that the move was temporary. I knew before I arrived at my destination that I wasn’t going to be there for life.

I expected it to be longer than two months to be quite honest about it. I honestly feel like I look crazy.

But here are a few points that settle me. Haha. My sister for life told us she heard God say it’s settled the FIRST Sunday I met her. Whew.

At convocation someone said it looks the same but it is different. I feel like I look like a runner or a trackstar. But I really feel like I moved differently when faced with some things I endured before. And I handled them with far more grace and understanding than I did before. I grew up!

Someone else said acceleration. A speeding up of the process. I was super focused on the why. And the who. And the what. I looked for purpose in everything. I made sure to align my behavior and words in ways that surrendered to what God wanted to do.

My former pastor said that things would speed up. What would take years would take months.

Lastly. If I’m gone talk about it I’m gone have to be about it.

I love the pastor, first lady, and the members. I wish heaven’s best and the manifestation of God’s perfect will. I thought I was walking into one thing that became something else. That is perfectly fine. Who I was when I walked through the doors was perfect for what I saw.

Who I became, and in part who I already was, was not well suited. And guess what? That is okay! It is okay to evolve and grow and have no hard feelings or wish no ill will.

One of the things that they said at the church was up and out. I got rejuvenated and fortified for the journey ahead. I will never regret or despise my time there.

But, I gotta do what I gotta do. And that means going back to my home organization and finishing, revamping the work my grandfather started. I have a rich heritage and legacy I cannot run from. Dorothy was on to something. There’s NO PLACE like home. After 5 years away, 2 back, and 10 away again, I have TRULY come to realize that.

He that has begun a good work… That is definitely a Scripture to look up. I’m the fourth generation and fourth preacher. None of my mom’s generation has declared or accepted a call to preach unlike me, their father, and paternal grandparents.

Go be great. No matter what. No matter how hard it is. No matter how crazy it looks. Abraham much? Heed the voice of God and quiet any voice that doesn’t support His.

People can ask questions. But consider HOW they ask questions. Is it to understand and make sure you heard God? Or is it out of doubt and fear, in ways that will make you think you didn’t hear God because they can’t fathom that God would have you do it? Or it is something they would never do?

Job’s friends and family are great examples of who NOT to be around. Love them. I have a few of my own. But… I’m gone leave that alone. Cuz that’s all they know. Ima keep building.

Again. Go be great. Someone’s life, soul, eternity depends on it.

You Gone Move Or Nah?

My new sister friend inspired the title. I am ready for her to move closer to me. We shall see. Distance ain’t no thang though. I talk to her plenty and will see her frequently enough before she makes the move.

But it made me think about the moves that I’ve made.

I was forced to leave home as a child. My grandfather moved to pastor a church. My grandmother moved and eventually ended up ill. It was hard for my grandfather to pastor a church and take care of my grandmother. My mother’s career was geared towards individuals with the same illness my grandmother had.

We were supposed to move home after a year so my mother could marry her fiancΓ©. It was bittersweet that they didn’t get married. Lol. More bitter than sweet because we stayed put. But I doubt that change was why we stayed.

Within months of arriving, my grandmother got worse and spent a lot of time in the hospital. She eventually passed. I don’t know why we didn’t leave then. And I don’t know why, unlike my mother’s sister, brother-in-law, and nieces, we didn’t leave after he decided to remarry (I just said it that way. Them’s my people!).

The ONLY thing I can chalk it up to is the will of God for the call on my life. Nothing else makes it make sense. And chiiiii. I need some sense for all of the lives I’ve lived since we left home.

He was a different kind of pastor than I was used to. I experienced culture shock at home, at church, and at school. My mother was different once she was around them on the regular unlike when we lived a lil over an hour away from them back home.

My mother and sister ended up wanting to leave his church for a litany, variety, multiple reasons. I forced/begged them to stay. And then I decided that I had had enough so I left first.

I was looking for the church I left. It was more home than home. It was so loving and we had a family. Not to mention the Bible teaching we received there. My forever pastor, who God has called home but I will honor until there is no more breath left in my body, created a gold standard that I have chased since I left my grandfather’s church. Fortunately, 18 years later, I have found what my heart and soul longed for. God is so faithful and loving. Sheesh. I gotta move on or I’ll get lost in the sauce.

It was more of the same at that church. I was also staying put in an effort to improve my relationship with my mother. And ya know, in state colleges are cheaper than out of state. Because my father offered to move me and told me there were schools back home.

I went to another church. By outward appearance of the daughter of the pastors I met in one of my college classes, I should have been going somewhere like home. Beware of sheep in wolves clothing (das a Scripture to look up. I’m on my computer again.). Cuz chiiiii. I think that was the worst of all of the churches I attended. My God from glory. That is definitely an appropriate pause. Haha. Cuz what I could, and have, said. Thank God for growth.

I went to another church. It was even more extreme in some regards than all of the others. But definitely nowhere near as bad as the worst one.

Within months of joining that church, I left my mother’s house but stayed local. I tried to let my pastor’s wife know what was up. She wasn’t hearing it. She told me to go home and love my mother. I did.

I told people at my grandfather’s church what was up. They made me the responsible party in the relationship and never took me to him though they didn’t think what was going on was right.

I tried to talk to my pastor at the church I went to after I left my grandfather’s. I don’t remember the exact words but I know I walked away feeling unseen, unheard, and like he chose my mother’s side.

I don’t fully understand why parents are given so much benefit of the doubt. I guess there is this residual thought from slavery that they adult or the one in the position of power (slave master) is the one who is right. I guess too because of one of the Commandments. I can’t go down this rabbit hole. It was and is a lot.

I will say here, God respects us and requires respect. Parent child relationships should mirror all of the examples of how God relates to us and what is specifically outlined. Because, contrary to trash popular and colloquial belief, we do not belong to our parents and they did not bring us into this world and cannot take us out.

God gave us to them and they are going to have to answer for what they did with the gift given. Just like we will have to answer for how we honored them. One last thing. Honor does not equate to taking abuse and disrespect. I don’t care what you heard or what you think.

Things went super left with my mother due to my father and his wife’s involvement. I left her house and went home.

I said I was never going back to the church I was born in. But when I got there (due to proximity and transportation issues), I appreciated the pastor. Especially what I found at the church he founded. It reminded me of home. That didn’t last long. He shut his down to merge with his father’s that he was pastoring-the one I was born in. But he didn’t do a culture adjustment. It was more of what I didn’t want. I left. And became a church nomad for 10 years.

I would visit churches, including the one that was home but not because the pastor left to start his own, but something wasn’t right. I almost joined a church or two. There are too many to count. Some were back home and some were where we moved to because I moved back to where my mother and sister were.

I thought I needed to and wanted to go to seminary. It was where I thought I was supposed to live to do what I know I was called to do. I ended up having to leave my sister’s earlier than planned and went home for a month before I went there for seminary.

Seminary did not work out. I lasted a few weeks there. I didn’t have enough financial aid. I didn’t have the ability to make enough money for my bills. I refused to go back where my sister and mother were so I went home. That only lasted for a little over a year because I ended up having to move across town and once again didn’t have enough money for my bills. God refused to allow me to get jobs based on my educational and work experience. I needed the jobs I had though. I needed every experience. I like to say no losses only lessons. I am gonna write something with that title. πŸ™‚ (and did. and managed to remember to link it!)

I thought things were better with my sister so I moved back to where she and my mother were. And they weren’t. They got as bad as they have ever been.

I eventually moved back to where seminary was where I thought I was supposed to be. Even though I didn’t want all of what God wanted for me, didn’t fully believe I would see it even though I talked about it, I still felt like I should try. Especially based on my education and career aspirations.

I was desperate to pay my bills and give a conditional yes and try to get to where I needed to be. So desperate that I didn’t tell to many people where I was going and what I was doing. Which was living in my car at a truck stop for a few months. The people were up in arms when they found out. I had places I could have gone.

But I didn’t want to go there. For multiple reasons. Aaaaaaaaand. Van (car) life is a thing. There are entire social media accounts devoted to it. I wanted the freedom to be and not have to adapt or adjust to anyone like I did for the couple of times I lived by myself. I eventually found a room to rent and stayed put for over a year.

The entire 10 years I was out of church as a member, I attempted to maintain a relationship with Jesus. I still engaged with church. Like I said, I tried. I messed up. It happens. But I also shed a lot of the religion that I was introduced to. I said introduced because that’s not what was up at my home church. Relationship was the thing. I can’t break down the difference here. I will elsewhere I promise. I hope I remember to come back. Just search for it if it isn’t linked because I forgot. Apologies.

I don’t regret my mistakes. To regret them is to regret the beauty I see that I have grown into. It is cringe worthy. But. Jesus and I have a good thing going.

After my last hiccup, God told me I was ready and that He would spring forth water in the desert. I almost said I felt like God said. Cuz Ion wanna be out here lying on him. But it was Him.

I left where I was with a plan. Cycles. I went back to my sister’s. Things were better but not as great as I thought. But that was the last time. It wont happen again. There is no possible way. I decided to move because she decided to move. And sis will have no room for me.

I decided to move because I found a church that reminded me of home. My sister introduced me to it. I felt like the pastor and the ministry would be able to launch me into purpose. I tried to find a job in the city where the church is. Drove like four hours in the middle of the high gas prices of 2022. Twice. I let the pastor know. Wait. Let me back up.

At the top of 2021 a guy who was like a brother to me at my home church was supposed to be at the church my sister introduced me to. My friend and I decided to go up the night before. She was familiar with the church too. Ion remember how. Or maybe not yet and this got her into it. I’m not finna waste time and ask. Lol. We went. Church was canceled because of an ice storm. I still wanted to see broski.

He happened to be with the pastor so I got to meet him. I lied to Bishop. Forgive me Lord! I told him I would never tell what I saw him doing and I think I told on him in his presence with a few people. But I’m gonna hold to it and not tell it here. Just know, it was very comedic of him and suits his comedic nature.

It was refreshing that he was the same person. It was refreshing that he simply asked what church I go to. When I told him I wasn’t a member and watched online a few places, he explained and understood my generation. No judgment. No condemnation. But he did his pastoral duty and told me I needed to find a church and get planted. He didn’t push for me to join his church (an online member was a possibility).

I privately toyed with the idea of moving to a place I never considered all because of the church. I shut the idea down because of my career aspirations. But. When I came to myself (shout out to my actual pastor. I’m getting there), I decided I was going to go because my sister finally decided to move after joking about it and making comments for what seemed like forever.

I decided that I was just gonna move and rent a room two hours from the location of the church my sister was going to. I thought about it and decided I would go to another location that was still two hours away. I just needed to be under Bishop’s covering.

I was going to go to a Juneteenth event then go to church. But. My cousin lives in the same city as and wanted to go with me. She told me not to wait on her. But I decided to. I looked up a Juneteenth event and went.

Once I got there I saw a pastor and his wife who used to go to the church. I knew of them through socials and old videos of church services. I started talking to them as if I knew them forever. I have the gift of never meeting a stranger. But this was even more of that than normal. For some reason, I just started spitting stuff out.

Come. To. Find. Out. They just started a second location in this city two weeks before this, the week before I got there, the week I decided to just move. Who wouldn’t serve a God like this?! I had the realization, that it was his church that I needed to be in to do what I needed to do. Like them kids in that fairytale, God left breadcrumbs. Fortunately for me, they are leading to a great ending, unlike them.

Where is the Scripture you say? I’m glad you asked. I got an earful from someone who didn’t like that I have been wandering. They brought up my age and said I needed a job with insurance. They said I needed stability. They took issue with the fact that my sister and I were moving for a church. I ignored it. And then God had Bishop pray for me and tell me to follow the leading of the Lord for the next move He wanted to do in me and through me. So I ended up at the church that I am so excited about!

Abraham moved here there and everywhere at the word and direction of God. And look what we have today. All religions that have a God/god that share principles (Judaism, Christianity, Protestantism, Catholicism, Isalm, etc.), can be traced back to a man who left all he ever knew and followed the voice of a God many have come to know.

Joseph was sold into slavery. After ending up second in command, he ran for survival, ended up falsely accused, and imprisoned. He dreamed dreams that he shared and God allowed him to interpret the dreams of others. The dream sharing was part of why he was sold. His jealous brothers. It really be your own people. It didn’t help that he was their dad’s favorite.

While it all seemingly was disastrous. And, though not recorded, I imagine he doubted if the dreams would ever come true, the gift of interpretation led to him being released from prison and second in command of all of Egypt. His life, his struggle, his moves, what seemed disastrous, saved all of Egypt and his entire family. His father was Jacob who became Israel. Who led us all the way to Jesus of Nazareth. The Christ. The Savior.

Go be great. This is long enough. Someone is counting on you. I’m sure I could have done a better job. Oh.

MAKE THE MOVES! Your life and the lives of people you have never met are counting on it. Choose to thrive wherever you are. Your prison could become salvation for someone else. Ha. I gotta go. I’m out.

Soooooo. After two months….I gotta make another move. I feel like it’s a little crazy. But I knew this wasn’t permanent. The experience has been one I didn’t expect but necessary. I gotta go build this legacy. And this place prepared me. I had some stuff going on in me I was unaware of that wouldn’t have been great to take with me. I’m grateful for rhe stop. I kinda wish it would have been longer cuz of the optics. But hey. The Who Say What Now of it all…

Rich Soil

I was talking to Lucy’s daughter. We were fighting fighting. Just kidding. Disagreeing. But that’s fighting fighting for us. Hahaha.

I don’t know how I forgot to give her a blog of honor of her own. Therein lies one of the rubs we were tussling about.

She is one of my best friends. She was in the house and loves me like Lucy. She has truly parented me. I won’t say just mothered.

She has taken me on dates. I’ve taken her on dates. And we’ve simply just gone out together. She really is her mother’s daughter.

I told her, at some point since 2018, that I was gonna take care of her and honor my granny. She was at home all 48 years of her life that her mother was alive for. She was the caretaker for my grannny for at least the last nine years we had her. My granny wasn’t suuuupwr needy or sick the whole time. But she stopped driving and her health declined in the last two years of her 88 almost 89 years of life.

She has been there when I couldn’t count on or depend on anyone else. She has made sacrifices for me in small ways that mean so much. She was the only person to make effort to get me a gift and recognize what a feat and accomplishment law school was. That is irritating and sad when I consider the circumstances. It’s that acrimonious divorce in Happy Happy Joy Joy.

She does everything for everyone. While they love her, and do the big things like make sure she has a decent car, the day to day on the regular check-ins don’t happen. They love her but don’t inquire cuz she isn’t honest and they assume she’s good. I told her this so it isn’t some rock I’m throwing then hiding my hand. And I’m gonna send her the link. Lol.

I told her I’m the one who has to look out for her. I told her that I told her I was gonna honor my granny by looking after her. Her niece daughter. I asked her what she needed cuz she’s been on the go so much. She refused.

We argued about blocked blessings and letting me help. She was refusing to answer me cuz she already knows. I tried to guilt her by asking how would my granny feel if she knew she wouldn’t let me help. Nothing was working. I’m good and grown. I just sent her the money. I was sick of it. Hahahahaha. Fighting fighting.

Then I demanded that she take a self care day. She needs to rest. There is no point of doing all she has and not being able to enjoy the spoils of her labor. I need her around to enjoy our future.

And here is why we are here. Every so often I say something that is SUPER good to me. Like, a lot of this blesses me. But some of it surprises even me.

I started talking about her reaping what she sowed. But then I took it a step further. I told her you can’t keep sowing without reaping the harvest. If you keep sowing without reaping you will oversaturate and ruin the soil. You won’t be able to sow a thing. We both said “oh. That’s good.” Well I said it first and then she said she was thinking it. Lol.

The soil of my life has been made rich by my decision to go home in 2009. I was devastated because I was praying and things got bad. Then they got even worse. I’m realizing for real for real, cuz I think I hinted at it in Lucy, He really is a God of answered prayer. I didn’t get what I needed from the parents I wanted it from. But I did get it from the shared DNA of my father.

While my father, due to his trauma, was unable or incapable, of being what I needed, the love, guidance, correction, all the things God is that a father is supposed to be, still came through the DNA I got from him. This literally just hit me as I typed this.

God is SUCH a good, good Father. He is a promise keeper (I’m referring ro the Scripture you should look up that says when my mother and father forsake me the Lord will take me up).

I’m out. I’m overwhelmed from so much that I myself am reaping. Sheesh. It pays to endure and be in relationship with Jesus. Salvation is so worth it. My goodness.

Go be great. Someone is counting on it.

Who Say What Now

Who are you obligated to? What are you obligated to? Who are you trying to please?

I have learned and am still trying to walk out that there is a lot of truth to the quote to thine own self be true. With the caveat, the addition of seeing yourself how God sees you in line with His perfect will for your life.

This is probably kinda a part two or further explanation of Happy Happy Joy Joy and pieces of other things.

As stated, there are parts of my future that I’ve know about since 14. There are a lot of things people don’t know or forgot about. God has NEVER let me. I made the decision to be bold enough to tattoo it on my foot. The whole everywhere the soles of your feet tread of it all (πŸ—£ means Scripture to look up 😊).

So, while questioning and doubt and not fully wanting to submit, I was still out here in these streets prophesying with my feet. If you don’t know, the short version of prophesy is speaking something now that will happen later. It should reaaaaaally be done at the inspiration of God so we aren’t stating things not line with the future He has planned. I hit some of that here.

Gifts and callings are without repentance πŸ—£, you are born with them. How you use them is up to you. That’s why there are accurate fortune tellers. They have the gift of prophesy but they chose to use it for means that do not honor and glorify the gift giver, God, for reasons known to them.

Anywho. Wait. I actually planned this for once and think I need to go back to age 10 going on 11. When I was at home, we lived a little more than an hour from a lot of my mom’s family. She created a family for us at the church. Loved it.

I was seen, I was valued, I got to ask questions, I talked to adults and older people more than the kids.my age cuz this brain has always been a lil advanced and different. That’s just how He made me. I’m not the one who came up with that notion. I was just told this by my shujaa two days ago. Lol. And she is not the first….

We got to wear pants, fingernail polish, earrings when we weren’t doing certain things in ministry (ushering at the door, singing on the choir, etc.), make up, and the like. We got to go bowling, to the movies, to the skating rink, LIVE life. And that was a novel concept for many people who were raised Pentecostal/Apostolic. Still is for some.

People took the Bible and continued to, and still do, use it a s a weapon to control people. Without revelation from God and reading what the pages say in context via the chapter before and after, the black and white words can be used in isolation in ways God and the authors inspired by God never intended.

I don’t know where I was really going yesterday when I started this and stopped before unfinished rhen first sentence in the paragraph above. (I remembered one thing. My grandfather sent my mom something in regards ro her wearing jewelry and makeup. When I found it it shocked me a lil. But he was a product of his time. Can’t really fault him…)

The point of this was to discuss who and what we are obligated to as I asked the questions above. I ended up writing Church People Hurt Me which is kinda a companion piece. Other people did too.

Despite being hurt, my trauma response, coupled with my relationship with Jesus, caused me to love hard and be mistreated and mishandled. If the people you love ignore you, talk horribly to you, don’t allow for proper conflict resolution skills, make you insecure, don’t allow for great self esteem, you are gonna allow others you come into relationship with to treat you like a doormat or trashcan.

The world says because I love you I have to forgive you. Because I’m a Christian I DEFINITELY have to love you and obvi forgive you. But people like to say we should cast it in the sea of forgetfulness πŸ—£ (Scripture to look up bc you need to read it for yourself). That’s what God does. I ain’t God.

I don’t feel like the Bible demands that we forgive and forget. There’s a Scripture that came to mind that is a little on point but not really. It says should we continue in sin that grace should abound, God forbid.

Should God continue to heal and deliver me for me to go right back to the one hurting me? God forbid. I love you. I want heaven’s best for you. But the Bible also says guard your heart because the issues of life flow out of it.

My guy, my bff, I Am, JESUS picked 12 then picked 3 of the 12. He kept a tight circle and knew who they were and that they supported purpose. Judas was necessary. And He knew who they would be to and for Him after he ascended. He didn’t obligate himself in relationship with everyone.

He wouldn’t even really go home to perform miracles cuz of how they saw Him.

I have made conscious choices and decisions that are painful. But necessary. If you try to save your life you lose it but if you lose it you will save it. πŸ—£ What profit is it to gain the world, be in relationship with people who harm and don’t support, be in places and spaces that don’t aid in getting to purpose, and lose my soul? πŸ—£Lose what I was created to do and be…

Cuz being out of His PERFECT will won’t allow me to maintain this peace and joy. It’s why someone made a comment to me about not going through something every few years. I’d get fed up and focused. But I missed people and went back. Only to be hurt and fed up again.

Few people choose me without my involvement. Why keep doing that when I know who God says I am? I decided to choose Him and choose me. Cuz at the end of the day, the only person responsible for me is me. And the only “person” I owe is Jesus.

When I cried myself to sleep, when I cried so hard I had to lie about why the floor was wet, when I just didn’t want to face life, when I had nothing and nobody to help, the list goes on.

I’m not obligated to anything or anyone. Unlike the disciples who made all of these excuses as to why they couldn’t follow Jesus πŸ—£, well unlike them now cuz I def didn’t have a completely surrendered yes, I will drop anything and anyone to get where I need to go. If I gotta pick it back up later I will.

This body isn’t just a living sacrifice. πŸ—£This life is. The people in it. The things I do. The places I go. I have no time for idols and little gods. I can’t place anything or anyone above the plan of God. I could do certain things and entertain certain people. His permissive will allows that.

But ion like His permissive will NEARLY as much as His perfect one. And I definitely don’t like when I’m not in His will AT ALL.

The Bible definitely says owe no man. And while many may think or just see that as currency, I’m not finna be out here living life any longer like I owe somebody anything. Cuz they didn’t create me, sacrifice for me, save me, keep me, or anything of any more value or significance than what God did.

Live yo life on purpose to tap into the greatness inside of you. It won’t always be easy. Jesus never made that promise. He did promise that it was possible and that He would be with us. πŸ—£ So go be great. We need youuuuuuuu!

Church People Hurt Me

This is a title of one of the books I decided not to write. But I thought about it again just now and there is some merit and value in talking about why I wasn’t a member of a church for a whole daggone decade.

I know I keep repeating some things. But a piece in one spot versus a focus in anova (another) is what you just gone get today. Lol.

By virtue of being born into a family of church people and going to so much church, NEVER by force cuz I LOVED it, the people I was around were the ones with access and opportunity to hurt me.

Also, when I say I never went to church by force? My sister and I were arguing so much when I was in college and she was in or on her way. Our mother threatened to not let us go to a special Friday night service if we didn’t stop. That’s why I said elsewhere that sitting at the house for 10 years wasn’t on my bingo card. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

I keep having this same conversation with someone about church hurt. They are adamant about the semantics of it. They split hairs by saying the church didn’t do it it was the ppl. Since I’m a fan of semantics, words mean what they actually say, I gotta give that to them. My frustration comes in when they wanna kinda police what people get to be hurt and offended by and how they wanna assign blame.

We don’t get to control the recollection of the trauma of others. We often blame others or act out with others when one, the source of the trauma is no longer around. Or two, there was so much trauma it isn’t always apparent which one caused it because they were all there causing it at the same time.

I was a teenager with a boyfriend at my grandfather’s church. For some reason ppl liked to play matchmaker from birth and I wasn’t the wife on their bingo card. Her aunt lied and said she saw the two of us on the church van. Really?

Nobody was giving either of us a key. I was not dumb enough to steal a key. And I was in one of the sanctuaries cuz I wanted to be in church for Bible Class where I was.

Being part of the pastor’s family after just being a regular church member for almost the first 11 years of my life was TRAUMATIC. Home has some of the why and I’m working on something else that may as well (find it here). 😊 Cuz, I love my guy. But it was A LOT. And we not even gone talk about the woman he married after my grandmother died. Bless her now Lord. Whew.

I found myself attending some super religious and controlling churches. Even some that, by outward appearance, didn’t present that way at first.

I dyed my hair this BOMB shade of red. Somehow the minister of music found out. While I was out shopping for the choir banquet, he told me I couldn’t sing until I dyed it back. That was one thing of so many. Not necessarily with him. But there in that place. It still hurts thinking about what we had to endure. I don’t blame anyone for choices made in response. I just hope Jesus is still alive and well or He is invited back before we close our eyes on this side. Same for people at the other stops along the way.

The next one. My God. I got recruited in a college class my the daughter of the pastors. What did it for me was what she looked like on the outside and how friendly she was. I was desperate to find home again. It was cool at first. Then someone told me I was in a cult. Seriously. I had to tell them where I was all the time if I wasn’t around. They created and cultivated an environment where people, mostly their family, worshipped the ground they walked on. They could do absolutely no wrong.

The pastors were married and she was the more senior or one who was mostly the pastor. He did from time to time. I am 20 at this point. Like social says, funniest stuff be in church.

My guy is preaching and going off on us. He kept saying the word hell and was not using it solely as the place sinners gone bust wide open. So I texted my “friend” and was laughing and said he was borderline cursing.

At the last church I was close to people related to the pastor. We made fun of stuff all the time. My friends and I made fun of my grandfather. Cuz the stuff was crazy and funny at times.

Chiiiii. That was the WRONG thing to do. She told her parents. Her mom talked about it during Bible class. I think the lady even read them. She was angry and the people were shocked, aghast, and upset that someone would DARE say something like that. I’m quite sure the lol and smiley faces were omitted for shock value.

Like a good, little, obedient, trained puppy, I allowed myself to be gaslit into believing I was wrong. I put on my best sad, shame face and apologized to both pastors and their son. Ion know if I did to the daughter. I left soon after. And I acted up eventually. πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ I told her off a time or two on messenger and blocked her so she couldn’t say anything. I still pray for alla these people. Jesus said to.

I ended up going to a church that my grandfather and the one after fellowshipped with. I started wearing skirts exclusively year round with the exception of my job in HS, maybe freshman year of college, and the year n change at the cult church. But chiiiii. This church was my first experience with what some people call chapel veils. Or what others call doilies (spelling πŸ€£πŸ˜‚) for the head. Head coverings people. Lol.

What ya girl is going to do is obey them that have the rule over me. πŸ—£means a Scripture to look up. If da people set standards and I have submitted to the leadership, I’m gone follow what is required. Whether my theology lines up with theirs in full or not. Cuz let me tell you a secret. The Bible doesn’t prohibit pants or jewelry. Someone interpreted it that way and people still go with it. πŸ—£πŸ—£πŸ—£πŸ—£πŸ—£Pray for revelation then research it for yourself.

I loved these people and looked up to some of them. Some even had a singing group. I just wanted to be involved and help. I ended up getting tasked with doing social for the group. Cool. Til one day I was locked out. That was the end of that. I had helped with their first live recording. I was so hurt. It took YEARS for me to be able to listen to their music.

I remember one Sunday we were condemned for tattoos, I was unblemished at the time. At this point I technically have 10 but one has been covered twice. I’m finna get one more too. Bahahahaha.

Leviticus talks about not cutting in the flesh for the dead. πŸ—£ I’m of the mind that this was an instruction based on what they had seen the Egyptians do in service and worship to their gods. The Israelites needed a lot of help and direction. And God wanted a people set apart and different so He gave instructions that set a standard for His chosen people.

As a Gentile who is living in the New Testament that fulfilled the Old Testamant via Jesus (who wasn’t even worried about or concerned with what so many people hang hats on in what he taught), respectfully, if you eat pork and your wife sleeps in the bed with you while she is on her period, please kindly show yourself anywhere but my face with the mess about tattoos. Skirts and jewelry too. Cuz if we ain’t doing ALL of Leviticus and recognizing that EVERYONE wore robes, skirts only, no jewelry, and no tattoos is above me now.

I left. Some other stuff went down too. I sent letters with no return address. I did go back and visit the next time I went back. But I acted up again. Salvation is a process. I had cut my hair, they weren’t a fan then but the ppl be doin it now, and the pastor asked me why.

I told him cuz I wanted to. He just stalked away a lil wounded. I mean. I can see in part why the pastor of the church after my grandfather’s and the female cult pastor told me to watch my mouth. But part of it was because they didn’t like my honesty and questions. The first one didn’t know or forgot that I was preaching at my grandfather’s church. The cult people didn’t know. I wasn’t ready so I wasn’t tellin anyone.

Bruh. This next one. I think I’ve recovered 10 years later. I called him Daddy Bishop (that is soooooo cringe to me now. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ˜³ Sad, lil hurt 22 year old). By the time I got back to my birthplace, my dad abandoned all responsibility except what was required by law and the graduation gifts. He chose his wife over my sister and me and in an effort to not deal with my mother. That acrimonious marriage from happy happy and I believe something I mentioned in that’s all they know.

He stepped in a void. He supported me. He called me O2 or the second coming of Oprah. He let me talk on his radio show. I still have the cassette recording 12, 13 years later. He was telling me one thing. But, I found out later he may have exposed what I told him in confidence. He was well acquainted with and familiar with my mother. Cuz my family found out some stuff only a couple people knew about. He will not tell me if it was him.

Regardless, we got super close and then, for reasons I don’t know, he started pulling away and treating me differently. It was here that I sat and was angry in the sanctuary. I didn’t want to be there. Was never gonna be there if I had had my way. But I loved him and how he preached. So I stayed though it was not what was best for me. Out of love and obligation I created based on what he had done and who he had been.

Well, he merged his church, the one that reminded me of home, with the church I was born in that he took over for his dad. It didn’t change. I couldn’t do it. Y’all. I left this man’s church before watch night service. I can’t with me. That is nuts and tickles me.

For those who don’t know, that service starts (or used to for some) the evening of December 31st. 9, 10 PM. And it goes overnight to January first. We watch through the night as we leave one year and enter a new one. A lot of places stop service a few minutes before midnight to pray as the clock changes.

So, I left the church at the end of the year but was still in service when the new year started. Team too much. But. Hey.

Some other people left and said he acted funny with them and didn’t talk to them anymore. Even though he had already started pulling away, I just knew that wouldn’t be my testimony. Wrong. That one really hurt. But there was nothing I could do. I did end up going back when he retired. I have reached out a couple of times. Little to no return communication. And that is his right to choose.

After that, I sat at the house a lot. I would visit places for a little while. Nah. I went online sometimes. But mainly, I was just in the house chillin. I prayed. Not like I should. I read my Bible. Not like I should. I had some accountability. I did an okay job maintaining a lack of obviously, overt sin. I failed and fell a couple times.

But the thing is this. I was able to hold on and get back where I should be because of the foundation from home. I shudder to think about what would have happened if some of these places was all I knew. Cuz man.

Yes. People who go to church hurt me. But it was necessary. I believe there’s a Scripture that says something like it was good for me to be afflicted. πŸ—£It made me me for who I was, who I am, and who I will be. It prepared me for all of what my future holds. And I’m a decent human. And this future? Sheesh.

Don’t let what happened make you see yourself as leas than great. God allows it becuase He KNOWS the greatness He placed inside of you. We are all waiting and counting on it. 😊

What Is That

I was having a conversation about legacy and my vision for something I’m putting together for my future. I was talking about the body of Christ and all of the denominations coming together. Somehow, some way, I ended up in Acts 2.

When the people began speaking in tongues in the upper room when they received salvation, the people outside were confused. They were befuddled by the fact that they were different but heard all of their languages. They thought the people were drunk.

My gangsta boo, BFF Peter was like “nah playa. We ain’t drunk like y’all think. We drunk off Jesus. Dis dat fiya (fire) that they talked about. Let me tell you something about this.” And then he went on to preach the single best and most important message anyone besides Jesus preached.

I have been in churches off and on for almost 36 years. I have read Acts 2 COUNTLESS times. I have talked about it. I have written about it. I have thought about it. It is the foundation of my belief system.

Yeeeeeeeeeeet. Never has it hit me like it did today. That’s why people say it is a living document, the living word, the bread of life (I’m fairly confident some of those are actually written in the Bible. You should search and see. Gotta make sure I’m on the up and up after all).

They, and clearly I, say that what it says to you can change depending on when you read it and where you are in life. What it revealed or said to you before can be totally different. It doesn’t change. But our maturity or prayer life or circumstances may cause us to see it with new eyes. My regulars should know that’s true for me. Cuz sis be over here baffled about some of what these fingers tap out. He’s a mighty good God like that. And I’m grateful. Ok. Detour pit stop over.

Jesus died for the sins of the world. πŸ—£I’m just gonna have to act right. That means Scripture to look up. He didn’t die just for His chosen people Israel/Jewish people. πŸ—£He was including and being inclusive of everyone. πŸ—£

Cuz before His death, the Jews were isolated and separate. πŸ—£ I almost said something. But I need yall to know the Holy Ghost won’t let you say errythang that comes to mind. I didn’t always let it be my guide over this little member of a tongue. That’s two πŸ—£πŸ—£. Oh. All things are lawful but not expedient. πŸ—£AKA I could but I shouldn’t.

When He came on the scene, as a Jewish person, He was everywhere with everybody. πŸ—£He set the stage for what we find in Acts 2.

The Bible talks about how the church is one body and many members. Some are arms, legs, feet, etc. That’s where I started when talking about the Christian denominations coming together. And ended up connecting how intentionally inclusive it was of God that the witnesses of the evidence of the promised Comforter were able to identify with the move of God. They were able to “see” themselves in the fulfillment of the promise He made.

His choice opened their hearts and minds via their ears hearing what was familiar to them. By being able to “see” themselves in the people of God, Peter’s job was made easy when he addressed them. What started out as 120 in the upper room led to 3,000 more taking part.

He said He came for everyone and had to make good on that promise. I am fascinated and in awe of the way that He chose to do it. Never read it like that but wow. His wonders truly never cease.

Go be great. He’s great and if we are His disciples we have no choice. He’s waiting. And so are we!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

A lot of people comment on my energy. Some like it and say don’t change. Some say calm down and quiet down.

There are moments when both are the appropriate thing to tell me. I ain’t perfect and I’m never gonna be.

I’ve littered some of these posts with some of what I’m going to say so apologies to the regulars with good memories. Lol.

I’m the product of an acrimonious divorce. I wasn’t seen. I wasn’t heard. I wasn’t valued. I was different and the people who shared DNA with me were not equipped to handle who God made me. Thank God for Lucy and then people He placed in my life to raise me. Even now I still have good help getting to purpose.

Those who should have valued me didn’t. I loved anyway and ended up in friendships, relationships, and situationships where I was still treated like a trash can, a door mat, and an insignificant afterthought.

I think I made myself small because of how I was raised and treated. Then I looked at the arrogance and cockiness in the church and in the spaces I occupied. Ewww. Lol. After consideing this and consulting the Bible, I decided to be humble and don’t feel the need to flex or act like I have accomplished all I have.

I’m a silent assassin. Bahahahahahahaha. I know who I am and where I’m going. I know how smart I am and how much wisdom I have. Cuz I, without knowing what I was doing asked for it and He DEFINITELY gave it to me. I am gone flex a lil in a bit though. It will make sense. Haha.

As a result of focusing on the storms and people around me without a lot of guidance on how to focus on Jesus, I didn’t want to live. I begged God to let me die. More times than I can count. The last time was about three months ago. Because my identity and value was placed with people and not the One who has been there with me all along.

Before I finished the previous paragraph, I was on the phone with my aunt and got some great revelation I’m gonna bring here. This is about to be one of the longer posts. But let’s just take this ride together. Lol. Especially since I thought to myself that I haven’t mentioned much Scripture lately. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚

David was out in the field shepherding his daddy’s animals. While he was dirty, stinky, ignored, and alone, he was being prepared for the palace. He was developing a relationship with God. They had no idea who David was. Cuz if they did he probably wouldn’t have been an afterthought when Samuel came to anoint God’s choice for king. Please go read whatever is Scripture for yourself. Search the internet. Y’all need to hold me accountable. Lol.

When it was time for Goliath to be slayed, they wouldn’t have counted him out and talked down to him because they would have been aware of his track record with God.

Huh. I just had a thought. If David had a better earthly example would he have struggled as much? Cuz buddy went through and that is evident in his Psalms. Would he have messed up as badly with the Uriah and Bathsheeba of it all?

Cuz our earthly relationships affect the one with God. No matter what we’ve built with God, if we aren’t super careful and focused on maintaining it, it is easy to slip into old habits and patterns. I’ve done that too many times to count.

Anywho. David knew who he was and what he had been through when he spoke up about his ability to kill Goliath. He clearly knew better than the did about who he and didn’t waste his time telling them or defending. I mean his heir Jesus is the one who said a prophet is without honor in his own country and he WOULD have performed miracles there….

David tried it their way but couldn’t. He spoke up and said let me do it my way, the way God and I did it. Uniquely. And He killed that man and four others. With improbable tools.

This is what hit me and is interesting. To my knowledge (and my aunt and friend), after David slayed the Philistines, we never hear from or about his father and brothers again. While they helped prepare him for purpose, they appear to be insignificant footnote once he arrives.

Everyone we love can’t go with us. Or can’t go at first. Scripture says to lay aside first weight and then sin that besets us. It would appear, because of the order of words, weight is more important.

Weight must be what aids in or leads to sin. The weight of not having love and what he needed possibly led to David resting in the office of king and doing what he wanted. Cuz he wasn’t where he should have been or praying while resting in his identity as a man after God’s own heart.

Karlissa means consecrated to God and endeared. Set aside for God and to cause to be loved. I have struggled with relationships of all kinds since I received salvation at nine. People love me or like me but inevitably most fall away or off unless I do the work. Or I have been frustrated cuz I gotta do work.

Naaaaaaaaah. I don’t force myself or work hard. I know my value and my worth. I know what I deserve. I don’t play small. I used to say if it was just me and Jesus I would be fine. I’m honestly happier when my circle is smaller. It definitely sucks and hurts to have to be like Jesus in this regard. Cuz my guy chose 12 then narrowed it down to three at times.

When I said yes for real this tome earlier this year, I had to put the people out. Family. Friends of 20, 10, 15, x amount of years. I just couldn’t be distracted. My heart breaks if I think about it for too long.

But if people aren’t aiding and propelling me to purpose, I gotta let em go. I have been some places and made some decisions I wouldn’t have made, didn’t want to make, at the advice of people who wanted things for me that I didn’t want for myself. I died inside and wanted to die trying to please and make folks happy who weren’t happy themselves and were never gonna be happy no matter what I did.

Something curious happened in May though. As soon as I asked to die I rebuked myself. How dare I ask the one who created me and gave me life and has a plan and purpose to just say forget it? How dare I ask the One who was with me and went to Calvary for me to make His time and sacrifice not worth it.

I should have been keeping them out when I put them out before. I should have been building altars. Cuz He was the one who kept the tire from jumping the median and killing all nine of us in the car at the mention of His name.

He was the one who made an F disappear in the ninth grade after I dropped band after panic attacks and hazing so my GPA wouldn’t be trashed.

He was the One that restored my mind that I lost during that time.

He was the One who let my racist teacher go on maternity leave allowing my grade to improve during that time.

He was the One that led me to get up and ask a question when I almost lost my mind again because I couldn’t figure out why I was praying and things were getting worse.

He was the one that led me to ask the right person the right question earlier this year when I put myself in a horrible situation and ran my mouth to too many ppl and had too many voices and almost lost my mind AGAIN.

Those are just a few of the MANY times He was there. I got stories fuh days.

The slew foot thief tried and tried and tried. Cuz he knew if I EVER got here, it was over for him. The same for this entire Joel generation. He knows if we EVER stand up it’s over. That’s why life is so daggone hard for us.

I choose to be happy and have joy. Cuz it’s a good gift from above (that’s Bible). I choose to have peace and faith. All four require work. Especially when you haven’t always had the first three and you ask for whatever to exercise the fourth like He’s a genie or Santa.

At this point, I only want who and what He wants when, where, and how. That’s the only way I’ll have true joy and peace. I ain’t forcing or rushing a thing. I’ve actually stopped purpose.

Preach? Called at 14 started at 16. Did it for a year and a half. Tried to quit and had to leave my grandfather’s church to stop. I wasn’t ready. I don’t go around telling ppl. Especially not several of my previous pastors. It wasn’t time for a pulpit in a building. Still isn’t. But I preach here and wherever I’m led to. Cuz trust. I could get a license tomorrow. Legacy and such.

Song writer? Nasty with words if I say so myself. Lol. Other ppl have told me i do a decent job. I just record what’s on my heart. I know ppl and know ppl who know me or my ppl. Ain’t asked a single person with connects to help. I did offer them to someone who has a record planned who can do what they will. I mean, I was gonna offer them just cuz (for free without the need for a songwriting credit cuz I wanted to sow and I can always write more) and found out they had plans in the works. Timing. And allowing God to do it so He gets the credit.

Lawyer? Soon. Got the degree rolled up the way they gave it to me when I finished school in 2016. I haven’t landed where I will be permanently on this Abraham/children of Israel wanderer life so it hasn’t been time yet. But when it is. Baaaaaaaybeeeee.

Those three things are not the most important parts of who I am. They really are insignificant. It isn’t false humility. I’m not moved or impressed by a job title, church title, or gift. I’m not impressed with or by stuff. I’ve been exposed to all kinds of stuff. I’ve stood in front of hundreds who had to sit and listen as I trained them on the knowledge I acquired at work.

I mean since I’m here. People all over the state had to follow guidelines I wrote and gudance i gave when a answering questions. Aaaaand they are using a new system I helped write the business requirements for to tell them how to code the system. Basically, we wrote what the documents have to say and what the key strokes have to do so the people who make the computer programs set up the system correctly. I’m that chick. Bahahahaha. It’s not thaaaaat big of a deal. It is kinda cool though.

What matters to me is your heart, my heart. How you love. How you serve. How you relate. How you interact. Cuz at the end of the day, the life we lived, the people we impacted, the humility and kindness, and reflection of Jesus is all that matters.

Not chasing money, fame, and the trappings of this world. Sure. Trappings come to some. I fully expect to receive some. But that’s not my goal. My goal is to be a light and a help with everything He’s bringing my way. I wanna give til I can’t give. I wanna empty out to be refilled to empty out again.

Cuz the only difference between me and the stripper, crackhead, wino, and whatever else society looks down on is access, support, and Jesus.

That’s why I’m determined to be wisely transparent and give the people Jesus. Not me.

I feel like I have dropped pieces but didn’t explain my why or how. I think it is in something from 2013-now that I hid. Cuz I ain’t new to this. I’m true to this. Lol. This is super long and thank you and congrats on making it here.

Now that I’ve built this altar, I can’t wait til Sunday to dance, jump, holler, and lay on the floor (that’s my choice of prayer posture. Pretty sure it’s Biblically sound. I’m def not flexing. Cuz that aint a secret in the sanctuary haha). Lol.

He deserves it all every chance I get. And I’m gone give it to Him. Honestly, He’s gone get some of it sooner. Cuz these miracles and making it here is daily worship. But that’s another blog for another day.

Chose joy. Choose happiness. Go be great. We’re all waiting on it, counting on it. Whatever He called you to and purposed you for is necessary and important. Come from under the juniper tree Elijah (more Bible but also this)!❀️😊