There are so many things

Things I see right now

I see skin

Pale, caramel, coffee

Brown, black, mauve, and tan

Freckles, noses, and lips galore

I see red, blue, purple

Pink, orange, yellow

Brown, black, and periwinkle too

I see flushed and bright pink

Crossing some faces

Calves and butts

Ankles and wrists

Necks and waists

I see blue and hazel

Turquoise and brown

Red and green

All colors

Found anywhere around

I see hands in pockets

Tongues hangin’ out

I hear laughter and sighs

Screams of terror and horror

Secrets being kept and shared

I see a menagerie of things

Some big and tall

Some short and small

But really I see

One thing at all

Woman, that’s what it is

Wise beyond her years

A calm beyond her tears

I see her brave and strong

Standing proud and tall

She is a survivor

Nothing can hold her down

From the first to the last

She’s our future and our past

04-05

What is beauty

What does it mean

Is it a size zero frame

Flawless skin

And zero body fat

Or could it be a size 20

250 pounds

With a shake in her hand

Is it really only skin deep

Or does what lies inside

Count more than the outside

Is it the rose on the trellis

Stars that light the night’s sky

Or even the snow covered mountains

Is my beauty

In the eye of my beholder

Who even knows

My beauty if my confidence

The way I hold my head

The way I carry myself

It’s me

The real me

Everything inside

First and foremost

My word is my bond

You may not agree

You may not even see

Anything I see

But you see

There’s something else I know

About all of my beauty

It’s not changed

Not even limited

By anything you see or think

My beauty

Is my beauty

Beauty

04-05

I’d cry

But the tears won’t come

I’d have a pity party

But the decorations won’t come

There’s no point to the madness

The deflation and sadness

The party’d take more energy

Than optimism would give

I have to have hope

I have to be happy

I can’t complain

I refuse to be sappy

A road that’s higher

That’s the one I choose

A road of self-improvement

Yet I’ve got nothing to lose

It took something wretched

So unlike the person I should be

For me to look onside myself

And see how I lacked wealth

God tore me down

Only to build me up

He’s molding and making

What he’d have me to be

I won’t be angry

I shan’t have that party

Because you see

It’s exactly how I wanted it to be

12-4-02

I wanted to write a letter

Just to say thank you

To express my gratitude

Remember when you hurt me

Injecting poison into my soul

Your words were atom bombs

Exploding in my psyche

Your anger, lies, and hate

Was a semi automatic to my emotions

You didn’t really know me

You never really saw me

Knocked me over and stepped on me

To get where you were going

I wanna say thank you

For every tear

Every sleepless night

Every thought of death

Somebody was bottling my tears

Somebody was bringing rest

Somebody was breathing life into every dead place

All you did was make me stronger

All you did was send me into the arms

Of a lover so capable

A lover so sweet

He knocks me off of my feet

While you wouldn’t

Answer the phone, text, or fb me

All I had to do was say Jesus

And my boo, my best friend comes running

So, after all you’ve done

He’s the reason I love you

He’s the reason I forgive you

He’s the reason I pray God’s blessing upon you

So, again, for leading the way to my man

The Clyde to my Bonnie

A rida who already die

I write this letter

Just to say thank you

To express my gratitude

2010

From the day I was conceived

I was told of Your majesty

I went to church

And was taught about Your works

Sunday School

Sunday morning and evening

Bible class and prayer too

I knew just how to shout

Worship and speak in tongues

I knew about the death, burial, and resurrection

I knew how to look the part

I knew how to play the game

I learned how to be arrogant, mean, and backbite

I knew what it was like to have it all together

Yet, in the midst of all of this

I knew Your Word

I read the scriptures

What I saw and knew

Was no reflection of You

I tried so hard to be like You

In a dry and barren land

The more I knew and understood

The harder life became

I knew who I was

I knew whose I was

But I was attached to the people

I longed for their love

There came a day

When I was tired of life as I knew it

All that mattered was You

All that mattered

Was Your Word, Your will, my destiny

So I gave it up

All that I was

All that I had

All that I wanted

All that I loved

Simply for the glory of You

I longed to know You

In the power of Your resurrection

And the fellowship of Your suffering

I desired less of me

And all of you

So I laid down my life

And I picked up my cross

I journeyed from religion to relationship

I journeyed my God to You

As I stand rooted

In this spot

Waves are crashing in

Winds are blowing

Hail, thunder, and lightning

Fall, clap, and flash

There is something

So familiar about this

I’ve been here before

I remember the last time

The feelings were the same

Others did the same thing

Others said the same thing

As I stand here

I think about what I did

I think about what I said

I think about the outcome

So this time

I call for Jesus

I yell, I pray, I cry

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

I can’t do it alone

I can’t do it halfway

I need you all the way

Suddenly it stops

The Son shines

Suddenly I’m on a beach

I summoned the courage

To stand still and fight

I saw the salvation of the Lord

Now there’s peace

I can sit and relax

He did all the work

I simply had to ask

2010

There are pieces of me

Scattered everywhere

Every time they left

They took a piece away

My mind is busted

The lies they told

Dissembled it every time they spoke

My soul is chopped up

Like meat through a grinder

I’ve given my all

I hung my head

I have to pray

I call out to God

It’s a guttural cry

Help me

I scream over and over

I have to make sure he hears

I have to make him take notice

Help me

I hear a sound

It sounds like

Somebody being hurt

It’s a real-life passion of the Christ

But every time I hear a lash

Or some form of torture

A piece of me appears for a second

Then it disappears again

I’m confused

I can’t lose me

I start to panic

But then I look down

I look new

I look within

My heart is mended

My mind is intact

My spirit is whole

I hear something else

It sounds like a faraway announcement

He was wounded for our transgression

He was bruised for our iniquities

The chastisement of our peace was upon him

With his stripes we are healed

I’m on my feet running in circles going nowhere

Praise bubbles from everywhere

Worship exudes from my pores

Before I was ever born

Before I ever knew my name

Before I knew any pain

Before I was like humpty dumpty

With nobody to put me together again

Jesus was the only glue

He went to Calvary

Just for broken, lil, ol me

2010

I’m alone in a room

It’s cold, dark, and stale

I’m scared and lonely

They said I love you

But walked away

They said I need you

But couldn’t stay

They raped me of my peace

They stole my joy

Leeched my anointing

Mocked my praise

I let them have it

They took it all away

And now I’m locked

In the prison of my mind

I want shrivel up

I’ve begged God to die

I can’t say anymore

I just lay and cry

I don’t know when I got here

I can’t tell the time of day

I cry and cry

Until morning becomes day

I see the light and roll over

I’m not in the mood to face life

I’m on empty

All of a sudden

I see something I didn’t notice

A Bible stares me in the face

Like a tidal wave

Taking over my mind

A mental rolodex

Of its contents passes through my mind

The movie that is my life

Plays before my eyes

When I almost lost my mind

I wasn’t alone

When the other people left

I wasn’t alone

The last time was in this room

I wasn’t alone

Every time I cried

Every time depression strangled me

Every time I wanted to quit life

I wasn’t alone

Something rose on the inside

And hugged me from within

It wrapped its arms around me

And just wouldn’t quit

The love of God surrounded me

It brought everything that was taken back

As I reflect on those times

I look up

I’m not scared and lonely

The room isn’t cold, dark, and stale

I’m not alone in a room

I wrote this in February 2016. I have no idea why I didn’t publish it.

But in light of the celebration of Independence Day yesterday-a celebration that is really only for those who are descendants of American citizens in 1776-I’ll publish it now.

And I’m going ALL out for Juneteenth next year. 😊

—

Proud to be an American
Where at least I know I’m free
What a nice song lyric
Too bad I’m not really proud
Too bad I don’t feel free
Too bad the oppression is real
Sanctioned and legal
Too bad there’s a double standard
Too bad there’s immaturity
Too bad reality is uncomfortable
So it’s dismissed
Too bad people are so blind
To the hurt and plight of others
Too bad people can’t understand
The fabric of this society
Too bad noses are in the sand
Too bad justifications are forced
Instead of acceptance
Too bad inequality is real
But explained away
It’s all
Just too bad

MLK had a dream
That dream is all but dead
Tamir gets no justice
Just like Trayvon
Or, as of yet,
Freddie Gray
We haven’t overcome
I appreciate
Being a brown girl
In law school
Educated
With opportunities
But my heart
It still hurts
It’s hard
We’ve come a ways
But
So much further to go
I
Can’t even
Say all I want
Express all I feel
It’s a shame
A travesty
We can’t even heal
I grieve
Mourning
When will it end
When will
Delusions and dreams
Become reality
What happened
What happened
What happened
What happened
To the dream

I gave away
Pieces
Of who I am
Of my heart
It was just
So difficult
Being me
Being different
I thought
It would
Just be easier
If I tried
Tried to fit in
If I
Shaved some of the square
Fit me
Into that round hole
Or if I
Trimmed the rectangle
To fit in that box
But the more I shaved
The more I trimmed
The hole and the box
Shrank
Nobody was happy
The more pieces I gave
More pieces were required
Until
I couldn’t even
Recognize
What I was
Who I was
One day
I looked around
At all the shattered pieces
All that was left of me
I decided
I couldn’t
Be a broken
Unhappy, mess
Made up of pieces
That weren’t truly me
I took my time
As much as it hurt
As difficult as it was
And picked every piece up
I took all those pieces
Back to the potter
My tears
My prayers
Were the life
That watered the pieces
And that potter
Unlike humpty dumpty
Put me back together
Ha
No more pieces

Frail and flawed
Totally human
Scars and wounds
Received and self-inflicted
Hard times
Sad times
Wanting to quit
Wishing it away
Hoping for change
Dreaming of better days
Timeout
Reflection
Understanding
Making sense
Making me
Love it all
Love me

At the end of the day
All I am is dirt
Breath brought to life
The dirt that is me
Water called life
Is added to that dirt
Then it’s pounded
Mixed and molded
More water is added
If the shape just isn’t right
When the dirt and water
Make just the perfect shape
This dirt that is me
Is thrown in heat
Left uncomfortable
Baking and baking
Until the dirt
Becomes something beautiful
Something the potter
Saw all along
When I was just some dirt
I don’t always
Quite see all the potter sees
Sometimes
I don’t want the water
Definitely not the heat
But whenever
I see the finished product
The potter’s masterpiece
I can’t help but be grateful
Grudgingly appreciate and accept
The next time
The potter
Adds water and bakes this dirt