A lot of people comment on my energy. Some like it and say don’t change. Some say calm down and quiet down.
There are moments when both are the appropriate thing to tell me. I ain’t perfect and I’m never gonna be.
I’ve littered some of these posts with some of what I’m going to say so apologies to the regulars with good memories. Lol.
I’m the product of an acrimonious divorce. I wasn’t seen. I wasn’t heard. I wasn’t valued. I was different and the people who shared DNA with me were not equipped to handle who God made me. Thank God for Lucy and then people He placed in my life to raise me. Even now I still have good help getting to purpose.
Those who should have valued me didn’t. I loved anyway and ended up in friendships, relationships, and situationships where I was still treated like a trash can, a door mat, and an insignificant afterthought.
I think I made myself small because of how I was raised and treated. Then I looked at the arrogance and cockiness in the church and in the spaces I occupied. Ewww. Lol. After consideing this and consulting the Bible, I decided to be humble and don’t feel the need to flex or act like I have accomplished all I have.
I’m a silent assassin. Bahahahahahahaha. I know who I am and where I’m going. I know how smart I am and how much wisdom I have. Cuz I, without knowing what I was doing asked for it and He DEFINITELY gave it to me. I am gone flex a lil in a bit though. It will make sense. Haha.
As a result of focusing on the storms and people around me without a lot of guidance on how to focus on Jesus, I didn’t want to live. I begged God to let me die. More times than I can count. The last time was about three months ago. Because my identity and value was placed with people and not the One who has been there with me all along.
Before I finished the previous paragraph, I was on the phone with my aunt and got some great revelation I’m gonna bring here. This is about to be one of the longer posts. But let’s just take this ride together. Lol. Especially since I thought to myself that I haven’t mentioned much Scripture lately. 🤣😂
David was out in the field shepherding his daddy’s animals. While he was dirty, stinky, ignored, and alone, he was being prepared for the palace. He was developing a relationship with God. They had no idea who David was. Cuz if they did he probably wouldn’t have been an afterthought when Samuel came to anoint God’s choice for king. Please go read whatever is Scripture for yourself. Search the internet. Y’all need to hold me accountable. Lol.
When it was time for Goliath to be slayed, they wouldn’t have counted him out and talked down to him because they would have been aware of his track record with God.
Huh. I just had a thought. If David had a better earthly example would he have struggled as much? Cuz buddy went through and that is evident in his Psalms. Would he have messed up as badly with the Uriah and Bathsheeba of it all?
Cuz our earthly relationships affect the one with God. No matter what we’ve built with God, if we aren’t super careful and focused on maintaining it, it is easy to slip into old habits and patterns. I’ve done that too many times to count.
Anywho. David knew who he was and what he had been through when he spoke up about his ability to kill Goliath. He clearly knew better than the did about who he and didn’t waste his time telling them or defending. I mean his heir Jesus is the one who said a prophet is without honor in his own country and he WOULD have performed miracles there….
David tried it their way but couldn’t. He spoke up and said let me do it my way, the way God and I did it. Uniquely. And He killed that man and four others. With improbable tools.
This is what hit me and is interesting. To my knowledge (and my aunt and friend), after David slayed the Philistines, we never hear from or about his father and brothers again. While they helped prepare him for purpose, they appear to be insignificant footnote once he arrives.
Everyone we love can’t go with us. Or can’t go at first. Scripture says to lay aside first weight and then sin that besets us. It would appear, because of the order of words, weight is more important.
Weight must be what aids in or leads to sin. The weight of not having love and what he needed possibly led to David resting in the office of king and doing what he wanted. Cuz he wasn’t where he should have been or praying while resting in his identity as a man after God’s own heart.
Karlissa means consecrated to God and endeared. Set aside for God and to cause to be loved. I have struggled with relationships of all kinds since I received salvation at nine. People love me or like me but inevitably most fall away or off unless I do the work. Or I have been frustrated cuz I gotta do work.
Naaaaaaaaah. I don’t force myself or work hard. I know my value and my worth. I know what I deserve. I don’t play small. I used to say if it was just me and Jesus I would be fine. I’m honestly happier when my circle is smaller. It definitely sucks and hurts to have to be like Jesus in this regard. Cuz my guy chose 12 then narrowed it down to three at times.
When I said yes for real this tome earlier this year, I had to put the people out. Family. Friends of 20, 10, 15, x amount of years. I just couldn’t be distracted. My heart breaks if I think about it for too long.
But if people aren’t aiding and propelling me to purpose, I gotta let em go. I have been some places and made some decisions I wouldn’t have made, didn’t want to make, at the advice of people who wanted things for me that I didn’t want for myself. I died inside and wanted to die trying to please and make folks happy who weren’t happy themselves and were never gonna be happy no matter what I did.
Something curious happened in May though. As soon as I asked to die I rebuked myself. How dare I ask the one who created me and gave me life and has a plan and purpose to just say forget it? How dare I ask the One who was with me and went to Calvary for me to make His time and sacrifice not worth it.
I should have been keeping them out when I put them out before. I should have been building altars. Cuz He was the one who kept the tire from jumping the median and killing all nine of us in the car at the mention of His name.
He was the one who made an F disappear in the ninth grade after I dropped band after panic attacks and hazing so my GPA wouldn’t be trashed.
He was the One that restored my mind that I lost during that time.
He was the One who let my racist teacher go on maternity leave allowing my grade to improve during that time.
He was the One that led me to get up and ask a question when I almost lost my mind again because I couldn’t figure out why I was praying and things were getting worse.
He was the one that led me to ask the right person the right question earlier this year when I put myself in a horrible situation and ran my mouth to too many ppl and had too many voices and almost lost my mind AGAIN.
Those are just a few of the MANY times He was there. I got stories fuh days.
The slew foot thief tried and tried and tried. Cuz he knew if I EVER got here, it was over for him. The same for this entire Joel generation. He knows if we EVER stand up it’s over. That’s why life is so daggone hard for us.
I choose to be happy and have joy. Cuz it’s a good gift from above (that’s Bible). I choose to have peace and faith. All four require work. Especially when you haven’t always had the first three and you ask for whatever to exercise the fourth like He’s a genie or Santa.
At this point, I only want who and what He wants when, where, and how. That’s the only way I’ll have true joy and peace. I ain’t forcing or rushing a thing. I’ve actually stopped purpose.
Preach? Called at 14 started at 16. Did it for a year and a half. Tried to quit and had to leave my grandfather’s church to stop. I wasn’t ready. I don’t go around telling ppl. Especially not several of my previous pastors. It wasn’t time for a pulpit in a building. Still isn’t. But I preach here and wherever I’m led to. Cuz trust. I could get a license tomorrow. Legacy and such.
Song writer? Nasty with words if I say so myself. Lol. Other ppl have told me i do a decent job. I just record what’s on my heart. I know ppl and know ppl who know me or my ppl. Ain’t asked a single person with connects to help. I did offer them to someone who has a record planned who can do what they will. I mean, I was gonna offer them just cuz (for free without the need for a songwriting credit cuz I wanted to sow and I can always write more) and found out they had plans in the works. Timing. And allowing God to do it so He gets the credit.
Lawyer? Soon. Got the degree rolled up the way they gave it to me when I finished school in 2016. I haven’t landed where I will be permanently on this Abraham/children of Israel wanderer life so it hasn’t been time yet. But when it is. Baaaaaaaybeeeee.
Those three things are not the most important parts of who I am. They really are insignificant. It isn’t false humility. I’m not moved or impressed by a job title, church title, or gift. I’m not impressed with or by stuff. I’ve been exposed to all kinds of stuff. I’ve stood in front of hundreds who had to sit and listen as I trained them on the knowledge I acquired at work.
I mean since I’m here. People all over the state had to follow guidelines I wrote and gudance i gave when a answering questions. Aaaaand they are using a new system I helped write the business requirements for to tell them how to code the system. Basically, we wrote what the documents have to say and what the key strokes have to do so the people who make the computer programs set up the system correctly. I’m that chick. Bahahahaha. It’s not thaaaaat big of a deal. It is kinda cool though.
What matters to me is your heart, my heart. How you love. How you serve. How you relate. How you interact. Cuz at the end of the day, the life we lived, the people we impacted, the humility and kindness, and reflection of Jesus is all that matters.
Not chasing money, fame, and the trappings of this world. Sure. Trappings come to some. I fully expect to receive some. But that’s not my goal. My goal is to be a light and a help with everything He’s bringing my way. I wanna give til I can’t give. I wanna empty out to be refilled to empty out again.
Cuz the only difference between me and the stripper, crackhead, wino, and whatever else society looks down on is access, support, and Jesus.
That’s why I’m determined to be wisely transparent and give the people Jesus. Not me.
I feel like I have dropped pieces but didn’t explain my why or how. I think it is in something from 2013-now that I hid. Cuz I ain’t new to this. I’m true to this. Lol. This is super long and thank you and congrats on making it here.
Now that I’ve built this altar, I can’t wait til Sunday to dance, jump, holler, and lay on the floor (that’s my choice of prayer posture. Pretty sure it’s Biblically sound. I’m def not flexing. Cuz that aint a secret in the sanctuary haha). Lol.
He deserves it all every chance I get. And I’m gone give it to Him. Honestly, He’s gone get some of it sooner. Cuz these miracles and making it here is daily worship. But that’s another blog for another day.
Chose joy. Choose happiness. Go be great. We’re all waiting on it, counting on it. Whatever He called you to and purposed you for is necessary and important. Come from under the juniper tree Elijah (more Bible but also this)!❤️😊