You Call This A Blessing?!

Some blessings don’t feel good.

Like. My feelings are legit hurt right now. They have been hurt a lot lately.

I prayed and asked for some stuff. I was gonna refrain from doing some stuff but prayed and felt like I should still do it. Like. There isn’t one singular person or situation.

I just reaaaaaaally don’t like being embarrassed. I really don’t like making mistakes. I really don’t like bothering people with all that is me. I dunno. Peopling ain’t fa me. Yet I’m for the people.

I would love to just be alone still. Sitting in the house. Under a rock. Chillin w the people who know and accept me. Chillin with me, myself, and I.

Cuz I’m not gonna hurt me. I’m not gonna ignore me. I’m not gonna give me mixed signals or messages. I’m not gonna be like uuuuuuuuh yeah, I want a refund. Or exchange. Or a cheaper, watered down version.

I’m in a weird space. And, if I’m honest, this is about the part of the journey where I turn around and quit. I turn around and say I’m out. I turn around and just give up.

I’ve been here sooooooooo many times. I hate it here. Like legit. I have told God this multiple times.

Phantom and Two Things Can Be True and even Build An Altar come to mind.

I have clearly failed this test time and time again. I recognize what I’ve done before. Cuz the faces, names, and bodies have changed. The question is have I?

(While proofreading this, I decided to give myself some grace. Maybe I didn’t fail. Maybe it was just like school. You learn so much at one grade level and then you use what you learned at the last one for the next one. Idk. But I’m bound and determined to do it right.)

The question, again, have I changed? I’m inclined to say yes. I’ve moved differently. I am far more calm. All I really, truly wanna do is just pray about it. I don’t wanna make any moves or decisions. I don’t wanna drop a nuclear bomb and say oh, this was me this wasn’t God.

Cuz that would be a lie. There is a blessing in this. But it feels awful. I’m a G who doesn’t cry much anymore. That was definitely not true recently. And I really wanna weep now.

Trauma never really goes away. My feelings and actions are a response to what was hardwired in my body as a child, teenager, adult, and before I was ever born.

I have got to be about the words I type. Cuz clearly they are for me. This has been a draft for weeks. I don’t even know if I’m gonna get to what was in the notes.

I wrote Phantom not knowing how relevant it would really be in a few hours. If even that long.

Uuuuuuuuuuuugh. Human. I was told that that’s what I am. Facts. It’s difficult being a human.

It’s difficult to want things or accept things but then the process looks nothing like one would expect.

Cuz let me tell you something. Had I known what this yes would entail? Tuh.

But I have no options. I have no way to do anything but what I’m doing. He made sure this yes was gone be a yes.

I’m gonna Leave. It. A. Lone. Right at the foot of Calvary’s cross. I’m gone lay myself down right there. I’m gone pray til it feels better. I’m gone pray til it looks better. I’m gone pray til it is better. Then I’m gone keep praying cuz something else is gone come.

Yeah. I didn’t get to where I was planning originally. Jacob/Israel’s limp is some Scripture to support this. As is Paul’s thorn in the New Testament that my person who blogs here told me points back to something in the Old Testament in Joshua or Judges. And finally David and all he went through.

Chiiiiii. I’m tired. All this dying is exhausting. Go look up crucifying the flesh and dying daily and whatnot. It’s Bible. Did I say I hate it here? Hahahaha. Karlissa does. Her flesh does. But her Holy Ghost? Her soul? Chiiiiii. She is in hog heaven. That’s why Karlissa is gone DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

Go be great. Someone’s counting on it.