I was gonna write a book. Several times. In different formats. I was gonna tell all my business. Expose me. Expose friends, family, coworkers, good bad and ugly. I struggled. I kept praying and first God was like nah to to fam. Then he was like nah period. I realized there was too much of me and not enough of the Jesus I was trying to show ppl.
So I was like ion know what to do. Ima just serve and support others. Two different ppl told me to write a book of blogs so I am. Imperfect Nails probably should be first one cuz it’s gonna be the book title. But nah. I think this is the perfect blog to launch whatever book I write. Here goes! 🙂
I also could have called this drama, drama, drama. Cuz yeah.
There is a lot of trauma in my DNA. Being a descendant of enslaved people (cuz they weren’t slaves. They were humans snatched, bred, and sold who were forced into slavery.) is its own set of DNA trauma.
One of my cousins told me about shadow work. I just looked it up. I don’t know if that is exactly what I did. I do know that I sat with my trauma. I talked to Jesus and myself. I had conversations with other people that unknowingly helped. I wanted to know why I was the way I was. I looked around at various family members.
It helped me have more grace to understand why the people who claim to love me have hurt me and refused to see me or relate to me in ways I desire and find healthy. I have attempted to walk away from people who don’t serve what I need. I have begged and pleaded. Then I walk right back. I go back to what I don’t like.
These people have some of the same or similar trauma. They don’t see their behavior as wrong or something to change. Honestly, I could chill a little bit when I feel a type of way. But, relationships are give and take. I think because of trauma, a lot of us have isolated and become selfish. But that just exacerbates the feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, and suicidal/death desires.
By virtue of putting stock in and pressure on my human relationships, when they fail to reciprocate, I have experienced all of those feelings. But when I look up. Like my bff/boo Simon Peter (hahahahaha. I can’t with me sometimes. Lol.). I can walk on the water of the storms of life as long as I am focused on and looking at the Savior who loved me enough to step down from heaven and wrap himself in a suit of fleshly sin that he hates all because He loved me enough to provide salvation so that we could be in relationship for all of eternity.
Who wouldn’t serve a God like that? He sacrificed so I could live. He sacrificed so I could heal. He made the decision, even without the work at Calvary’s cross, to be everything I need.
Because before He died, He told one of His children who let me know that He would never leave or forsake me (look it up). He hasn’t.
He inspired His child to let me know that He would take me up when forsaken by my parents (look it up). And has.
He inspired His child to let me know I am fearfully and wonderfully made when everything around me wanted to tell me otherwise (go find it). And did.
I can agree with His child who said I will lift up my eyes to the hills where my help comes from because all of my help comes from the Lord (yep. You guessed it. Scripture).
And then, when He came, He let me know that He loved me because He came to die (Okay. This is in John. A lil help).
He promised to send a Comforter (there are a buuuuuunch to find. Happy hunting!). He did. The Holy Ghost (or Spirit. It isn’t either one. I blame the translator. Go check this blog out.).
One of His children let me know that the Holy Ghost would lead and guide me into all truth (haha. If you thought I was coming with this you were correct. And another one). And did.
E. Ven. when I acted like I was alone. E. Ven when I acted like I didn’t have the Spirit of God dwelling inside. He was there waiting to heal my trauma. I don’t fully know how or why I ended up off course.
I understand the generational curses that have plagued both sides of my family. That understanding held back a lot of what I was going to say about what I endured. The grace that He gave me demanded that I give them grace. Because He gives me grace up on grace. Far more than I truly deserve.
Why do I say more than I deserve? Because I didn’t let Him heal me when He could have and I acted like I wanted to. How? I didn’t continue walking in the healing but went back for more trauma. Or new trauma. Because I made bad decisions being impatient and in response to the trauma.
People often say deliverance is a process. I want to take it a step further and say that some deliverance is continuous. You have to keep being delivered. Sometimes daily. It is hard to disconnect from and distance yourself from people you love and care about.
But, at some point, you and what God has called you to have to become more important than people who just can’t or won’t get it. I firmly believe God is going to do what I have asked Him for and prayed for in my family. It just isn’t time yet. And I can’t keep being distracted and trying to force it. I have to go where I am needed, where His Will for me is.
Cast your cares because He cares (I’m baaaaaaack. Lol. This really is a great Scripture to go hunting for). He already did the work at Calvary. He is just waiting for us to accept it. To give Him what He already knows we are dealing with. It is easy to give it to Him. But. He is waiting for us to give it to Him AND leave it there. In my experience, the leaving it is the hard part.
Sometimes we go through cycles because it’s hard or just isn’t time for some reason. But, if you have been struggling in a wilderness and are tired of the cycles, leave it there. Cry if you must. Tell Him you don’t like it if you must. He already knows. Do whatever you have to do for you.
I KNOW it hurts. It’s supposed to. It is a sacrifice to be who He wants us to be. It hurt the animals to be killed in the Old Testament. It hurt the Lamb of God who came to take the sins of the world (that’s Jesus if you don’t know. And I’m pretty sure that isn’t just a song but can be found…I’ll give a hint. I think it is in the book of Revelation. 🙂 Haha.).
He told us we’d have to deny ourselves and take up a cross like Him. His child told us we would have to suffer with Him to reign with Him. (Both sentences.)
To be a Christian is to be a follower of Christ. It is to emulate, be like, reflect, be a carbon copy, to walk around making the account of His life alive when people come into contact with you. We were born in sin and shapen in iniquity (bye. Lol. Make sure you come back though. Cuz it is almost over.). NO good thing is in our flesh (but you gotta find this one too.. That’s why we have to sacrifice and die and it hurts. To be like Jesus.
Okay. Enough. Go be great. Someone is counting on it.