I apologize now if anything is ever redundant. Just go with it.
I’ve been reckless a time or two about a thing or two. But I gotta say the biggest thing I was reckless with was my life.
How you ask? Unprotected sex with a virtual stranger whose last name I don’t even remember.
If you’ve read any of my blogs this week that may be puzzling. Shoot. It’s my life and it puzzles me.
I was raised in one of the strictest Christian denominations there is. But I embraced it. I vowed to never have sex until marriage. I remember sitting at a table and being told to never say never. Again, just like Peter (who I think I’m most like in the Bible now that I think about it), I confirmed that wouldn’t be me.
I guess it’s something that I lasted longer than many of my peers. But it makes it more insane and foolish.
I’m of decent intelligence. I had sex ed. I saw the news.
When you don’t love yourself, are caught up in what the world around you has, and want what the world deems as important, you’ll do silly stuff.
I managed for a time not to give away the only thing that I had kept for myself. Cuz I gave everything else one could give to be loved and accepted-money, time, love, my identity, my beliefs, etc.
But one day I wasn’t strong enough. And like the serpent beguiled Eve, this slick talking dude was given my most prized possession and whispered words I needed to hear. But they didn’t matter in that moment. I regretted it immediately.
But that’s the funny thing about things we find wrong. I enjoyed it. I mean it is in part for human pleasure. But I didn’t want to keep doing wrong.
Yet I did. And never asked about or sought protection. I took pregnancy tests and kept going. I was even chased through a neighborhood by some chick and waited on his call one night. 🤦🏾
Eventually I went to a particular church service-I hadn’t stopped going. He actually flaked on me. The message hit me like a ton of bricks. I told him we were done with it.
I, of course, attempted to go back on that decision. For some reason he wouldn’t let me. I choose to believe it was the grace of God.
No surprise that our relationship was over not too long after that. It would be years before I got the courage to be tested. Mercifully, I have no diseases.
And to me, despite about 6 months of crazy, I’ve got a little over a decade of celibacy under my belt.
Honestly, I haven’t struggled too much cuz I’ve focused on trying to love me. I haven’t put myself in too many places or positions to have an issue. And when the desire to be loved externally, or an infatuation, has popped up I worked on leaving it alone.
I have no deep or good way to end this. Well maybe. You are the only you you’ve got. And you’ve only got one life to live. Love you. Cherish you. Heal you. Respect you. Demand the best for you. You’ll be better for it in the end. Don’t be reckless.✌🏾