Ok. So I’m having some people problems. It seems as though folk don’t like me. And to be honest I don’t really care for them either. But I have to put up with them. I can’t get around it.
But I want to avoid them as much as possible. I think I’m giving them too much control. I can’t say anything to them. But I haven’t had the strength to smile when I want to say something or when they have irked me. I haven’t had the strength to pretend.
I’ve had to be okay with being mistreated and disrespected. I’m tired. I spent so much of my life pretending. And I’m tired of pretending. It’s hard when people can say or do whatever with no immediate consequences. It would not be a good look for me to express how I feel. I’ve tried that. They are obstinate and not required to change.
I have to change. And I’m tried of having to make other people comfortable with who I am. I get that I may need to improve. I’m not perfect and necer will be. But when you have a problem with me and I feel like you do the same thing and worse…and when everybody doesn’t have the problem. You and your clique have the problem…and you seem to look for a problem. And I’m not the only one guilty of the same offenses…just the only one you have a problem with.
It’s all part of this war. Some days, like today, I feel like I’m losing. Some days I think I’m imagining the problem and it’s not as bad or really what I think. I honestly think some mind games are going on. I’m going to have to cast down some imaginations and things that are exalting themselves.
What I know for sure is that this is going to make me better and God is going to get the glory. I’m not above wishing that this would hurry up and be over. I’m not above wanting this lesson, test, trial, season, process, attack, whatever it is to just end. I have the victory because Christ overcame so I can overcome. I just don’t feel victorious…