Ok. As promised, here is this blog. Throwaway, as a noun defined by google means: a thing intended or destined to be discarded after brief use or appeal. I’ve been thrown away a time or few in these short 28 years of life. The first time I actually remember being discarded was in fifth grade. I had been at the school for the past two years. I received the gift of salvation. I don’t recall being any different. But something must have been. What began was many years of hurt, betrayal, and displacement. I belonged to a group of girls thick as thieves. All of a sudden they turned on me. The wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I still remember trying hard to get the fearless leader to like me. I had been by her side all day trying to get into her good graces. I came back from the restroom. I overheard her say something along the line of being her pet. Dejected, I went to the cafeteria to eat lunch alone. That school year was rough. My mom had conferences with my teacher. It was also the last school year before I had to move. I didn’t want to. I had a life. I volunteered to stay with my dad though he wasn’t my favorite.
We visited the south every summer for my grandfather’s pastoral anniversary celebration. I knew of the kids. They knew who I was. I didn’t really hang with them because I had my cousins and sisters when we would go visit. Well, I hung with one set of kids and that was pretty much it. Once I got there permanently it was disastrous. I remember one of the boys asking me why my legs were so big. I guess I need to write a blog about WORDS.
I thought these kids were my friends eventually. A set of cousins seemingly didn’t get along. They played me for a fool and put me in the middle. I had a boyfriend, crazy but common in the sixth grade. He treated his friend, the one he was supposed to be with according to the “church” folk, better than me. He felt he could do whatever but let me do the same thing and it was awful. That lasted off and on for about two years. He didn’t treat me well. I promised to be done and that I didn’t need another bf. Well, I have had one since the ninth grade. And tons of infatuations that were fruitless…sad. (Sidebar-he tried to, in an email, get back with ya girl freshman year in college. I knew better and said no. And, though I don’t recall, he tried again later before he proposed to his wife. Again no. Glad he seems happy with his wife and kids.)
School friends got better eventually. The few that I had. At least in middle and high school. The “church” friends not so much. I tried with all my might to have friends by showing myself friendly. I was there when I didn’t have to be. All I wanted was attention in return. Maybe I attempted to buy their love. Maybe I was “too saved.” I admit at times I was. It took me a while to ever need GRACE. But when I did, boy did I ever.