Identity Crisis-What’s in a Name

I knew I left something out of Throwaway.  In Sadness I talked about my tattoo.   Well, my first one.  Well technically my second two. 

Karlissa, I’m told, means endeared and consecrated to God.  According to google endeared means cause to be loved or liked.  I always do as much as I can to be pleasant and liked, even loved.  For years I struggled with feeling loved and liked.  Completely contrary to what my name means.  I guess I needed to love myself, like myself.  I needed to trust God’s love for me.  And forget about all the others who don’t like me or love me.

Dictionary.com defines consecrate as: to make or declare sacred; set apart or dedicate to the service of a deity.  I, Karlissa, consecrated.  Not only to a deity but specifically to God.  Life itself could have, and has at times, caused me to pull away from the very thing my name states I am set apart or dedicated to: God.  I am so grateful that I didn’t let the behavior of “Christians” and the “church” to define who God is to me.  I am so grateful that despite everything that made me temporarily, and potentially, lose my mind and life, that I still believe, love, trust, and have a relationship with God.

Ann, according to babynames.com, means gracious and merciful.  Google’s gracious: courteous, kind, and pleasant.  I usually have that on lock.  Lol.  I try.  But people make it hard sometimes!  I was dealt grace a time or two so I try to dish it out-even when it’s hard and I don’t want to. 

Lastly, according to google merciful means showing or exercising mercy.  Wikipedia, I know I know, says mercy refers to benevolence, forgiveness and kindness in a variety of ethical, religious, social and legal contexts. I think I’ve been merciful.  I know God has been merciful.  It’s haaaaaaaaaaaard to be merciful.  But I choose to walk in mercy, again, even when I don’t want to.

I went through this vocabulary lesson for a reason.  There is a lot in a name.  Life has a way of attacking the core, the essence of who you are.  Life came and could have caused me to become the opposite of the identity I was given at birth, at times at the hands of the ones used to choose the identity.  But it didn’t work.  I am Karlissa Ann.  I am uniquely me.  And God loves imperfect me perfectly.  Until I draw my last breath I will forever try to be Karlissa Ann.  Oh. And create a new house via the meaning of what this X on my wrist stands for…

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